"You’re certainly no raver, commonly known as a drag. Do us all a favour, here... wear this polythene bag. " - John Cooper Clarke

Tuesday, March 9, 2010 – 7:08 pm

It doesn’t help, you Third World Country.

Belgium seems to think that it will help this commune by cutting down on our gas and electricity bills.  Naturally, in order to do this, works have to be undertaken.  In order to undertake these works, our gas and electricity supplies have to be cut off.

It’s all very well telling us about this in advance; in fact, how very civilised of the commune.  But when you suddenly realise that there will be no gas or electricity from 7.30am – 4.00pm,  first thing in the morning by which time, if you are unemployed, it is too late as you suddenly realise that oh shit, that piece of paper on the kitchen table did warn me about this and I am now going to have to wait until this power-cut is over for my first cup of tea today and fuck the shower – I’m not exactly going anywhere.

There again, if, like the Twat, you are employed, I forgot to tell him as he usually has several cups of coffee and a shower well before that time.  Except this morning.  My bad there.  So seeing as the house was freezing again I decided to read a book in bed until the leccy came back on again, which it did, earlier than expected.  (I should thank the workers for that but I think it may be because the ground is frozen, therefore I expect several more power-cuts in the very near future.)

And talking about ‘cuts’ in bills, I was overjoyed to receive a letter entirely in Flemish which, when re-typed into Google Translation meant nothing more than a reduction in my house tax bill for the princely sum of €140.  Still, it’s better than a poke in the eye, I suppose.

And just as I was coming up here I realised that my water softener was making a very strange gurgling noise and that there was a red light on.  Knowing that my neighbours have the same water softener I braved the cold and pressed their stupid doorbell that plays ‘Green sleeves’ which sounds incredibly out of tune and moronic on the best of days – yet they never answer their door.  I have no idea why as I get on very well with them – but they are so anti-social.  So for all I know, my water softener is still making a strange noise down in the garage.

Just for that I feel like letting the Twat have his shisha pipe back to smoke at the end of the garden – but it wasn’t just them that he annoyed with that damn pipe – it was the entire road.

I’m always the last to know.

By Zoe | Posted in Belgium | Tagged , | Comments (3)
Thursday, March 4, 2010 – 8:45 pm

TQOTD

A friend visited us yesterday and turned to me at one point asking:

“So you’ve been pretty abstemious then?”

“Errrrr, What? What does abstemious mean?”

The Twat: “No, you wouldn’t know what that meant, would you?”

Pffffft.

By Zoe | Posted in Belgium | Tagged | Comments (17)
Monday, March 1, 2010 – 9:15 pm

It was good to get away.

Thanks to the Twat I was allowed to “go fishing” last weekend with a superb friend of mine of at least 8 years.  We talked a lot, ate a lot and drank a lot, as you do.  Getting away was a great relief from everything and I hope that I can do it again some time very soon.

The Twat, on the other hand, was responsible for my son having his arse signed by the female guitarist of The dIPLOMATS – the singer of which used to be Todd’s English teacher.  I don’t doubt that his former teacher missed that.

Mmmmm.

Perhaps I should go fishing more often.

By Zoe | Posted in Belgium | Tagged , | Comments (10)
Tuesday, February 23, 2010 – 7:46 am

Brrrrr.

The house started cooling down slowly on Saturday although we were lucky to get some sunshine to warm up the living-room.   On Sunday morning the thermostat told me that the house had gone down to 15°C and I spent most of the day trying to find ways of crawling into Hermie’s cage and basking under his heat lamp with him.  I left his lamp on overnight and yesterday, the room temperature had dropped to 14°C.  It was positively freezing and Hermie didn’t emerge from his welly all day, but that may be due to the fact that I’d left his lamp on overnight for two nights in a row and so the poor mite wasn’t sure what was happening.

Tortoises need routine, you see.

One of the chauffagistes called me back yesterday to say that he could make it today and my pleas of desperation begging the man to come as early as possible paid off as another client had cancelled and he could come around then.  Yes, that very minute.

When he came around I explained that it was an old heater and that I wasn’t sure how much he could help me, but he seemed happy enough to look at my ‘antique’ (his word, not mine), fixed it, stayed to make sure that it worked properly and only charged €20 – the happiest €20 that I have ever parted with.

Slowly, the house started heating up and all I have to test now is the hot water.  I have asked for a quote for a new boiler and heating system – having the two separately seems to be the obvious solution for a house this size – it’s just the cost of buying them.

So I have heating, glorious, wonderful heating – and hot water.

You don’t realise how much you need these luxuries until they’ve gone.

By Zoe | Posted in Belgium | Tagged | Comments (14)
Saturday, February 20, 2010 – 1:10 pm

Oh great.

Whenever the children were sick and needed to see a doctor they always adhered to Murphy’s Law and fell ill over a weekend.  Whenever something goes wrong in this house, Murphy’s Law also applies.

My heater broke this morning.

This means no hot water and no heating until I can get a chauffagiste in to look at my 16 year old boiler-thing.  He will, naturally, tell me that I need a new boiler.  I have been trying to put off buying a new one until I was earning enough money to pay for one but it appears that job or no job – I am going to have to fork out for a new boiler.  The old one is in a state – the front looks as if it’s been burnt from the inside and there’s a round patch where the front has got so hot that the white covering has actually burnt off.

I have tried calling a couple of chauffagistes but ended up leaving messages on their answering machines.  The first that can help is the one who gets the job.

That is, if he works with my make of boiler.

Belgium really doesn’t make life easy and only certain chauffagistes will work with certain boilers.  Surely, if you learn to work in the heating trade, you are taught how to deal with different boilers.  How different can they be?

In the meantime, it’s wrap up warm and a visit to Tony’s for a shower.

By Zoe | Posted in Belgium | Tagged | Comments (13)
Thursday, February 18, 2010 – 8:40 am

Thirty-four.

I used to love this day of the year but for the past twenty years it has become nothing but a drag, usually spent in the office where it was of no significance to anybody else and after a bit that rubbed off on me too.  It’s Thursday today and so far my week has been very boring.

Monday – I looked for jobs and watched TV.

Tuesday – I looked for jobs and went on my shopping date.  I also cleaned the kitchen, watched TV and was told by the Ex to clean my gutters.

Wednesday – I looked for jobs, prepared supper early and watched TV.

Thursday – I’ll look for jobs, clean the kitchen, have lunch with Tatiana and watch TV.

So the highlight of today is having lunch with Tatiana and having received LOST 5 from the Twat before he dashed out of the front door to a conference.  I obviously do other things such as check the letter box, send emails, talk to myself but the reality is that this is a really bad time to be out of a job for many reasons such as this darn weather and I may well lose the house next year.  Once this mood sets in it takes a lot to get out of it.

On the other hand, had I not been at home I’d not have seen the parakeets so close to my window, nor the green woodpecker, and I’m really grateful for that.  Nor would I have become more adventurous with my cooking and cleaning so all in all it’s not bad.  I miss going out, that’s true, but I can’t wait for the warmer weather so that I can go cycling around this village, collect my free dustbin bags, send off about 6 packages and lose weight.

I’m going to have a fun day, starting in the kitchen.  Snow is forecast for tomorrow if the forecast can be relied upon, but my snowdrops look lovely.  All the other flowers seem to be having trouble appearing although I think my wild daffodils are faintly protruding through the sodden earth.

Numbers can be so deceiving.

By Zoe | Posted in Belgium | Tagged , | Comments (11)
Tuesday, February 16, 2010 – 9:16 pm

The Twat is asthmatic.

And yet he has started to smoke again on a regularly basis.

I ’saved’ his life once, back in 2002, when I blackmailed him into going to hospital.  He could have died then.

I only allowed him home on the promise that he would give up smoking.  Even I gave up to help him back then.  But now he’s scrounging fags off friends and smoking again.  I’m not sure what route to take:

kick him and his fags out?

give him a second, third or even fourth chance?

There are so many complications that I really don’t know.

Happily die here – or go home and die.

Whatever he does, he is going to kill himself.

So…

By Zoe | Posted in Belgium | Comments (20)
Tuesday, February 16, 2010 – 9:36 am

My postman.

The postman that does the rounds in this area has to be the most miserable sod ever created.  He stands up to the typical ‘Belgian stereotype’: moody, silent and very, very Flemish.  Oh, and customer service?  Yes, well, I think that’s best left aside.

I dislike stereotyping any nationality, but whenever I do see groans and moans from expats about Belgians, my postman is the first person to come to mind.  He is also perhaps the only one seeing as the women at the post-office here appear to have got their act together and no longer refuse to speak French to me after a vain attempt at speaking Flemish which never results in very far other than “ik heb een letter voor Engeland…” and if I do manage better than that then they reply in full flow with the result of my asking them if they speak French or English (said in perfect Flemish).

No, my postman really takes the biscuit.  When it’s cold and wet, I can understand that he must be feeling pretty miserable as he cycles around these roads, and it must be even worse with this snow on the ground.  But each time I see him I do wave and wish him a good day – in French, admittedly, but this is a Commune de facilité which means that both languages are accepted.  And what does he do?  The man will glare at me as if I’ve just called him a wanking cock-sucker.

I even say it with a smile, and anybody that knows me knows that smiles are reserved for official occasions or for when a handyman has mended something for free after a rather melodramatic breakdown.

But not this postman.

I think the icing on the cake was when he knocked over my wheelie-bin.  Fair enough, Tatiana had put it right in front of the letterbox, but the bin wasn’t hiding my letterbox, it was perfectly visible and accessible.  But that wasn’t enough for old Grumpy – I saw him push my wheelie-bin right over onto my lawn.  How fucking juvenile is that?  But I still wish him a bonne journée whenever I see him, although why I bother is beyond me.

He doesn’t deliver letters until 1.30pm, if at all.

By Zoe | Posted in Belgium | Tagged | Comments (14)
Sunday, February 14, 2010 – 10:25 am

It’s Annual Shag Day!

Well, this snow goes back to last December,  but even so, isn’t it just oh, so jaw-droppingly romantic?  The Twat didn’t pee out the words but instead, spent ages shuffling out the words to make a wonderful sign in the road, for perhaps four neighbours to see.  The heart had been done earlier by Tatiana, but to think that the Twat had even thought of adding the extra words felt rather sweet.  And loving.  Especially coming from a poncy-poofy-tracky-trainer-wearing man.

As I sit here, smelling like a Fruit Opal, according to some person called Johng who deserves nothing but insults from my darling possums here, I am wondering as to what the expensive gift that he was ordered to buy for me yesterday is.

That’s correct: the Twat needs ordering about so as to get what I want.  Bugger his shed – there is simply no space in my garden.

I did, however, ask him if he had bought croissants and orange juice for breakfast.

“Why?”

“Because that is the sort of romantic thing couples do together.  You know, breakfast together.”

“No, I didn’t buy them.”

“Oh.  Why not?”

“Because it wasn’t on the shopping list.”

It feels silly to think that even after 8 years the man has still not learnt anything about romance, even though he has sent me a rose on two occasions, before he moved in.  But still, after a rocky year that we managed to get over, I do look forward to a surprise.  However little.

[And NO, not that sort of 'little' surprise.  Jesus.]

If the gift is not up to my expectations, then the Annual Shag is OFF.

By Zoe | Posted in Belgium | Tagged | Comments (7)
Saturday, February 13, 2010 – 11:07 am

Annual Shag Day.

Christ – a reader has pointed out to me that tomorrow is Annual Shag Day and I’d forgotten.  Yes, people, I had actually forgotten about the day when I have to get the rust seen to and the joints oiled, not to mention all the other preparations.

And so…this starts off with shaving my legs etc and then onto more fun-pampering such as seeing to the exfoliation of my arms with my wonderful kiwi fruit scrub.  I am thinking of exfoliating my legs with the nut scrub and my back with the wonderful mango scrub.  I know that I shall smell a dream.

Having come out of the bath smelling like some fruit cocktail it is time to apply body moisturiser and I am thinking along the lines of either cranberry or mango as they are a saucy mix.  I think I’ll go along with the mango as it is strong when applied, but after a day smells simply divine.

Not that I don’t on any other day, obviously.

Seeing as I didn’t get to go to my hairdresser’s, I shall simply have to do something with my hair tomorrow.  It can’t look any worse than it does today and who says the Twat will even notice?  I certainly won’t as I won’t be wearing my glasses, nor even be the one looking at me.

That’s a thought, how will I know that the Twat is even looking at me?  I’m beginning to feel like the eyes of Gordon Brown right now and am hoping that the Twat will say something about how soft and appealing I feel.  Yes, that’s quite right.

I shall also invest in some WD-40 to put on the side table for a little bit of lubrication to my joints. You may snigger, but this sort of thing is needed with age and so I shall see that I am totally prepared, but before that I am going to invest in some sexy underwear, why, I have no idea as it rarely stays on for a minute once the Twat has seen it, going by previous years. He has always told me that it’s a waste of money – but heck, did I buy them for him? (No – I got them in the sales in January, for me.)

If I’ve forgotten anything today, that can be rectified with cucumbers and lemon tomorrow, as there is one thing that never happened last year:

using my new bed on Annual Shag Day.

By Zoe | Posted in Belgium | Tagged | Comments (9)
Thursday, February 11, 2010 – 9:13 am

Crisis.

I have one tea-bag left.

I can’t cycle to Carrefour as the brakes on my bike need replacing, not that they’d be that useful when cycling on snow.  I think that the tea-bag has already been used once, so I could, at a push, make two more cups of tea with it, but that is going to taste dire.  This is definitely a crisis.

It’s -3°C outside so I really don’t feel like going all the way into town to the small English shop and buying another box at twice the price as they do at Carrefour.  I don’t want any of that herbal tea that the Twat has given me over the years as a ‘guilt gift’ on a trip back from Holland.  I need proper, hot builder’s tea.  I have the hot water and splash of milk, but one miserable tea-bag for the entire day and this will not do.

The Twat’s suggestion of drinking coffee is stupid because after 3 cups my tongue starts to feel all furry.  I’ve no idea why, but it does.  So I shall have to persevere throughout the day by hand-wringing every simple drop of tea still left in my tea-bag.

Unless.

I owe Tony two eggs.  He drinks builder’s tea.  Hmm.

By Zoe | Posted in Belgium | Tagged | Comments (17)
Wednesday, February 10, 2010 – 8:20 am

This isn’t funny anymore.

I love snow, I really do, and the first time that it snowed this winter, back in December, made a picturesque little scene.  And then it all died, the earth was soggy and people started backing onto my front lawn.  Then it snowed again later in December, carefully avoiding any chances of a white christmas and this time, quite a lot fell, enough to screw up the trams until midday that Sunday morning.

And then that all died too.

About two weeks ago we woke up to yet more snow, although it was a pitiful amount yet very slippery.  And this morning, we have yet another coating of snow, the fourth time this winter, and this simply doesn’t happen in Belgium.  It’s either once or never.  It’s a bit of a pathetic fall but it doesn’t look like it’s finished yet, and what’s worse is the fact that it’s freezing outside.

But it’s all my fault.

Yesterday, when standing against the sink trying to find out where I was getting stains from the spag bol sauce I checked to see if my snow drops were pushing through, and sure enough, there were hundreds of little stems under my hedge.  So I thought to myself “snow drops look so pretty when there’s snow on the ground.”

And now there is.  Please don’t hate me Belgium, although I suspect you already do.  Tatiana obviously does as she found my box of All Bran hidden away in the garage, so I couldn’t deny her a hearty breakfast full of good, solid fibre to get her bowels functioning.  Dammit.

Just look at the snow and think how pretty it is, what a wonderful excuse not to go into work by car today – public transport is great.  But please don’t hate me – at least not too much.

And I promise not to talk to my plants again.

By Zoe | Posted in Belgium | Tagged | Comments (11)
Monday, February 8, 2010 – 11:47 am

Update on the ‘wolf’.

Last Monday the police visited Todd at school.  They asked various questions and listened to the two messages that the perv had left on Todd’s phone.  He was asked to describe what he looked like and after Todd’s description, the police woman showed a mug-shot of the perv to Todd and asked him if that was the man.  Apparently, the two photos shown were of the man in question’s profile and face, holding a placard – as you see in films, I suppose.  Todd identified him as he obviously matched his earlier description.

The eerie thing about it all was that the man had already been charged on another occasion for the same thing but obviously, nothing had been done about it.  Todd doesn’t like talking about it, but I think that he has got over it after gloating that he got the ‘pretty police woman’s card’ and he missed biology.

It’s quite a refreshing way of looking at life – “How was it at the dentist?” – “I didn’t make it as I was giving a statement.”

I must try that one day.

By Zoe | Posted in Belgium | Tagged , | Comments (6)
Saturday, February 6, 2010 – 1:57 pm

What is it with him?

Some may remember when the Twat went and left his card in an ATM and very shortly after that, went and left my card in an ATM.  Well, I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised that he’s gone and left his card in an ATM again and is giving me grief over it for no reason whatsoever.  It’s almost as if it’s my fault.

Aaaargh, what a TWAT.

By Zoe | Posted in Belgium | Tagged , | Comments (14)
Tuesday, February 2, 2010 – 9:30 am

So far, not so good.

I’ve been suffering from Crapitis for the past week, more commonly known as gastric ‘flu and lesser known as butt ‘flu.  It’s a refreshing thought to know that my toilets function, that I have vast quantities of loo paper and smelly things that I put in the loo at quite some expense, considering the amount of times that I have to flush either loo each time.  And each time I do flush, I get a horrible shiver with regards my yearly water bill.

And then this stupid cough started.  It’s a very dry cough which means that whenever my head hits the pillow my body decides to cough and cough and cough me to sleep, until I wake up in the early hours of the morning coughing and listening to my stomach swirling like a mini-tsunami.  By the time it’s a decent hour to get out of bed I have not only a sore throat, but ear-ache aswell, and more often than not, a very sore tummy that is telling me to run, Forestt, run! just as I had earlier in the morning.

Yesterday was my court case.  I was so nervous the entire day that I fell asleep in front of Jeremy Kyle as he went around collecting those all important DNA tests.  The only thing that that man and I have in common is that were I to support an English football team, it would be … West Ham United.  Kyle’s own favourite team.  That is a scary thought.

I’ll find out what the judge rules re: my court case next month, but my lawyers will be de-briefing me between now and then.

The Twat came home from work saying that he thinks that he’s coming down with something and has had to try to avoid his colleagues all day due to constant farting.  I would have thought that they would be used to it by now, but apparently it is farting of a different kind.  More along butt ‘flu farts.

Oh dear.

I meant to apply for a job today but I was so dozy that putting together a cover letter and taking chunks out of my CV to set it to one page, as requested deemed un-doable, unless I changed the font to 8, or something.  Hopefully, I shall be feeling better tomorrow and will send my application off and get an interview unless I die before now and then.

So February, could you be a wee bit nicer than January?

By Zoe | Posted in Belgium | Tagged , , , | Comments (17)