"You hear laughter breaking through, it makes you want to fart. You’re heading for a breakdown, better pull yourself apart. " - John Cooper Clarke
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At the seminar, which was very interesting, we all got a goodie bag. I couldn’t believe it when I found it contained an Obama doll. It’s a bit wierd and out of proportion but, lets not quibble. It is just fantastic.
And just what I needed.
He’s now in the tortoise cage shouting “Yes we can!” at our laggardly inert tortoise.
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At an interesting seminar, looking at how Europe can learn from Obamas use of IT EC VP Margot Walstrom speaking
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Here’s the latest news on the tortoise traumatising front.
Deep breath. Last night my beloved, whom I love deeply, grabbed the hibernating tortoise and bunged it into a tub of warm water. not surprisingly, this woke him up. He then had a run around the floor where he did an amazingly huge poo, then spent his time scuttling off to any dark crannies he could find.
Put him in his cage and he headed for the welly and dug himself in and slept.
This morning my dearest darling, once again grabbed him from the welly, but he didn’t wake up when she left mih by the food bowl. There’s only one thing that can happen. Eventually it’ll wake up and think it’s been sleepwalking. This is going to be the world’s most traumatised tortoise. Amazingly, it’s not dead yet.
How on earth did this become a tortoise blog?
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Good morning. Went shopping yesterday to get my belved’s plonk and saw this chap. Marvellous.
Right here’s the run down.
1. Am now Belgian. Well I got an ID Card, but my dearest darling thinks it’s a change of nationality and I just don’t have the energy to correct her.
2. Why does Duncan Bannatyne tell every new contact on Twitter this:
It goes without saying please don’t put anything the papers can use against me on Twitter.
I replied with
Good to point this out. Cool people discuss their mistresses, coke habit, nazi spanking romps on Facebook instead.
I’ll let you know if he responds.
3. What’s the difference between a hibernating tortoise and one that’s just damn lazy?
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Here is the animal after Zoe, my beloved, whom I love deeply, dragged the poor bugger from under the welly, dazed and confused into the light.
I think it has to be said that these are not the most exciting of pets.
Personally, I’m looking for more entertainment value, especially as we bought it from the animal world’s equivelent to Aldi. And got the bugger a sunbed. We haven’t seen the bugger since.
Anyway, if you click through the photo you’ll see bad mobile phone photos of a highland terrier in a kilt and a Belgian parking his car, amongst other delights.
Otherwise, I’m having fun with my Belgium Newsfeed Enjoy the best reporting, from the source that journalists respect.
>Well, I gave up on that clay-drinking business as I had managed to crap enough for the Twat to make our own dry-stone wall, although I didn’t go as far as to scoop the bricks out of the loo as that would have been a little too much. My skin is less red but has enough spots to entertain a child joining them up with a marker for an entire afternoon. I’m feeling very good about our carbon footprint these days.
As for Tortoise. I came back from work yesterday to find him still under the welly, so picked him up, spoke to him, stroked his chin and put him back in the middle of his cage. And that’s where he stayed, yawning several times. I didn’t realise life as a tortoise was so tiring. About 20 minutes later the Twat joined us and suddenly Tortoise picked up speed and fled back to his welly, except instead of burrowing underneath it, he decided to climb on top of it, walk to the heel end, look over the side and consequently nose-dived off the heel. With its arse in the air we watched as Tortoise scrambled madly with its front legs to find some ground. Finally, the Twat moved the boot a little so that Tortoise had enough space to fit and do his thing.
I’ll go and check on him in a bit to see if he has made himself comfortable. The Twat has been reading up on all things tortoise and apparently mine is supposed to be an energetic sort of tortoise. An energetic tortoise? As a friend of mine said to me after lunch “maybe the battery has run out?”. Well, Tortoise did come from a very dodgy-looking place so it is possible that his batteries need replacing. I am also supposed to give Tortoise a weekly bath. I don’t think so. I’ll check with my Tortoise Hotline. Personally, I think he’s lonely, but I can’t afford a second one, much as I’d like another one. People, think “Zoe’s birthday” and “lonely Tortoise”, not that I’m suggesting anything at all. As if.
Tortoise doesn’t have a name yet.
So far, I’ve called him ‘Mental’ quite a lot. Can you do better?
>Belgian Waffle, her dying partner and darling snotty boys who are going to empty my house of everything Pokemon – so they rock – came to pick me up yesterday to buy a baby. I wasn’t sure who of the family didn’t have a cold, but the younger boys were definitely livelier than their mum or dad. And that’s a good thing when your mum happens to be Belgian Waffle as even on her death bed she is uber lively and wonderful.
They drove the Twat and I to Animal Express which is somewhere out in the boondocks and looks dodgier than a dodgy thing on a dodgy day. The shop reeked but was full to the seams of everything animal-related, animals and shoppers. It was so packed that at one point Fingers latched on to some woman’s leg thinking she was his mum, despite being told otherwise by his dad. I’m so glad that it’s not only my kids who would gladly swap parents.
Lashes showed me the way to what I wanted. Tortoises. Loads of them. His dad told me which one to buy. I held it. It peeed on me. It was love at first sight. I was then advised on which box to buy, which lamp, a piece of cuttlefish (calcium and tortoises love it. Apparently.) and some wood-shavings. BW’s partner told me how long to keep the light on for, although I have forgotten already, suggested putting a welly boot in the box as they like hiding in things like that and I was ready to rock and roll.
My tortoise is now in the living room and after desperately trying to hide under the welly boot, finally disappeared into it an hour ago. The Twat thinks he’s dead already – or simply hiding from me. Tortoise didn’t seem too interested in the carton that once housed a bottle of wine. Anyway, I have decided that the Waffle household’s phone number is now my Tortoise Hotline. Just in case.
You see, I didn’t tell them what happened to my first tortoise.
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Had lunch with my darling, whom I love, at our favourite pasta restaurant. The food was delightful. I was off the plonk after getting shedded last night at the European Parliament. Here is a photo of Zoe, who I love deeply, getting molested by Giovanni the owner. Zoe is also moblogging me blogging this. Lunch 2.0!
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Senator Nancy Orrock, from Georgia, speaking at a cervical cancer meeting. She must be dedicated to leave DC on Inagural day.
>Considering that the man has been in this country for seven years, is registered in this country and pays taxes here, I thought that, during his rather long spell of unemployment the least that Belgium could offer the Twat was a real Belgian ID Card. Not a simple Expat one that has to be renewed every five years, but a real one.
Why?
Because this should entitle the Twat to unemployment benefit and all the benefits that come with that. Such as free French or Flemish lessons, free courses in advanced IT and all the rest. This country is all for encouraging people to better their skills so as to be employable, and what better way than that to do it? Every country should have this system. It’s fantastic.
So I forced the Twat to trot down to the Maison Communale to see if he could get a green card. Not for the US, for Belgium. He was there for a short 5 minutes, called me and said that all he had to do was sign a piece of paper, go back with a photo and 13 euros. And he did. In three weeks time – well, two, now, the Twat will officially have British/Belgian nationality which will stop him worrying about buying a new passport for his next visit to the UK – whenever that will be.
I love that. The Twat sold his soul for Belgian nationality. HA.
He swears that he’ll die an Englishman first.
>Who’da thunk six years ago that this here blog would still be running in 2009? I didn’t. Well, to be honest, I didn’t really know what I was doing back then to even contemplate what I’d be doing now, but My Boyfriend is a Twat is still up and running, as is the twat, just to keep me amused, if anything else. And annoyed.
It’s had one makeover by Gordon as a generous freebie start-up to his web-design company or something. And do note, the colour of this blog is PLUM. Even Gordon will tell you that. Apart from that, I’ve learnt how to add pictures from Flickr and that’s about it. Well, I can muck about with my template a bit, although that is never a good idea, am a bit more competent using html – although that’s debatable, and, well, that’s it.
I’ve made and even met many (blogging) friends over the years and they are all still alive, although The Cartoonist ought to start counting his days. I love having new visitors and even if you don’t get blogrolled immediately, I do check back on you. Such as Richard, 3limes and many more.
And I was even the winner of 3 Bloggies for Best European Blogger – so someone must like me out there, and a book deal which is out of stock at Amazon but is available directly from me. Just email me. The Serbian edition is coming out soon as well, which is quite exciting. I must brush up on my Serbian so that I can read it myself seeing as I haven’t read the English version yet.
So yes, happy birthday blog, you seem to keep some people amused. Probably the posts made by the Twat himself.
My aim is to become as distinguished a blogger as Peter or Mike – but I think I have quite a way to go there.
Let’s face it Zoe, you’ll never make it.
Oh well, let this little space on the internet enjoy its day – and if anybody can find a favourite post from here – I’d love to know which one and why.
Oh god, please can at least one person reply to that last request.
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My beloved, whom I love deeply, took this photo of the disabled signs being sprayed outside Berlaymont yesterday. On her new phone.
Anyway, she thought that you would like it.
I’m off in search of a large truckstop for an article. I’m taking pics of the Red Bull Girls – whatever they may be – this evening at the Old Inn. I am hoping to go to Democrats Abroad inauguration do, but it looks like i’ll be spending more time photographing a meeting in the Parliament.
My darling beloved’s book is almost out in Serbian, the cover looks amazing. No doubt this publication will bring peace to the Balkans.
In the meantime we’re catching up with Celebrity Big Brother. They’re audioioning for Big Brother and I feel that my dearest beloved should be nominated. Apparantly all you have to do is upload a video to You Tube. The plastic bottles should do it.
Join The Put Zoe in Big Brother Campaign – Obligatory Facebook Group
>That idiot of a Twat that I happen to live with decided to back away from me and close himself in Coralie’s bedroom as the kids are not here this week.
BOOM! BANG! CRASH!
“Q, what the fuck have you done?”
“Nothing” he said as he opened the door, “but let’s see you try and get out of this bedroom,” while pulling me in and slamming the door shut.
I turned on the light.
One of the ‘crashes’ or ‘booms’ that I heard when the Twat entered and shut the door in Coralie’s bedroom happened to be a rather large mirror of hers’, and not in its’ entirety. A large chunk of it had broken off when the Twat had taken recluse in her room.
“You TWAT! Look what you’ve done.”
“Oh fuck. It was bought second-hand anyway.”
“But coralie loved it, and now you have seven years’ bad luck because of that.”
“WHAT?!? ANOTHER seven years?”
Pffffffft.
>On Saturday, a friend who wanted to buy some wardrobes in the Sales asked if I wanted to go too as he remembered that I had mentioned needing something. The idea of getting out of the house was good enough and so we trekked on to those mammoth-size shops near IKEA. My friend disappeared towards the wardrobe section and I decided that testing out beds was fun.
I found an extremely good-quality dressing gown that had 30 euros knocked off it, and despite the fact that it is obviously a bloke’s dressing gown, decided to get it as the one that I have is several years old and looks like I’ve shat on it from the back. I also grabbed a new mattress cover as the one that I have at present is going a manky yellow colour and has definitely seen better days. Probably when it was still white.
My friend measured up some wardrobes and left with a shawl with a little Mickey Mouse motif on it. I’m not sure if it’s a good idea to mention that he’s 57 (probably more, actually), but I’m sure he’ll look very sweet wearing it around his shoulders as he watches TV.
When I got home I was welcomed by the Twat rolling his eyes at the sight of the two large bags and asking me what I got. I proceeded to show him making sure that my two purchases were justified by pointing out that I didn’t get the 33 euro loo-roll holder. Impressed by the quality of my new dressing-gown which meant that I had the ‘thumbs up’ for buying it, I decided that that was the time to tell the Twat that I had also bought a bed. With matching bed-side tables (“why do you need more? We already have 2″ – I digress) and a new mattress (“what the fuck for? We already have one.”
“We do, but it’s 10 years old and I have a bad back. Besides, the total came to less than my old bed – the one that you broke. Completely.”)
Hopefully it’ll be delivered in time for it’s christening on Annual Shag Day.
Best European Blog For Three Years Running -
Bloggies 2005, 2006 and 2007
Tell me I'm gorgeous. All you need to know about me, and more, if you ask.
About the Blog
This blog is mainly rants about my household, which has been described by a friend as a mixture of 'The Osbournes', 'Absolutely Fabulous' and 'My Family'.
People who have said this weren't smiling. Let's face it, it's bleeding obvious.
The household is made up of myself, Zoe, an oasis of calm, Coralie, a 21 year-old stroppy little cow, her twin sister, Tatiana, who bosses the Twat and me around and winds up their brother Todd, a seventeen-year old with the attention span of a goldfish.
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You can buy my book by emailing me direct. It's made from recycled trees and no newts were harmed during the production. The Twat was. Much to my delight, mwahahahahaha ....
Spend, Spend, Spend at my gorgeous emporium - or shop for Merkins.
Spend more here. at my specially designed Euro Boutique.
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What's on in Belgium
Up Front Brussels
Expat Social Networking Website
PictureNose - Current movie reviews, movie news and movie gossip.
Together magazine
Non Twats
3limes -
A wonderful Expat blog brought to you from Uganda. Yes. Uganda.
(The) Aardvark Speaks -
Clever, funny, captivating.
AmberBamberBoo -
Life with 4 kids and Len.
Andy Ramblings -
A bit of this and a bit of that.
Anji Patchwork -
Family life in France.
Area Trace No Search -
A police-blog. It keeps me captivated and is well worth a read.
Bart -
Another Belgian. Another excellent blog.
Bibil -
She cooks, she's smart and she gets me talking French again.
Big n Juicy -
Random mumblings about random things in a random way.
Blaugustine -
Nathalie's cartoon alter ego.
Blogeois -
Once mistaken for Canadian Royalty - shocking!
Blog from Abroad -
New house, DIY, a dog, a husband, two toddlers and a baby. Oh, and Lisa, who can cook.
Blogzira -
Lucy versus Portugal. More fun than the World Cup - well, we'll see this year.
Brain Lint -
Ellen, RIP.
(The) Brussels Jungle -
Satire at it's best.
(The) Cartoonist -
Quirky sketches from a quirky guy.
Chase me Ladies ... -
I chased, I read, I laughed.
Daddy Papersurfer -
A bizarre blog by an old git - and just because he now has his own domain name, nothing changes.
Diamond Geezer -
Everything you need to know about London - and more.
DulwichMum -
An amazing blog; funny, sarcastic and very tongue-in-cheek. It needs dusting though.
Family Affairs and Other Matters -
A continuation of a blog plus a huge picture of her arse.
Foilwoman's Diary -
When the going gets tough the tough gets going ....
F:lux -
If he does it, she blogs it. Makes good reading, not to mention the photography.
[from fuck-up to] fab! -
Female, frazzled, very kind. I'd say bonkers, too.
Gemmak -
A biker girl with a soft heart.
Goat Food -
An excellent blog written by somebody really quite lovely.
Gordon McLean -
All round genius. I owe him a Lada.
Guyana-Gyal -
Stories from South America.
Homo Escapeons -
He's from Canada and manages to come out with more than science and kittehs. Give him five.
How to Learn Swedish in 1000 Difficult Lessons -
A gay couple coping with foreign languages.
Invader Stu -
An English bloke stuck in Holland, drawing great cartoons, getting married (sort of) and having accidents.
Inspector Gadget -
The first police-blog that made me realise just what else is out there. Incredible, fascinating - read the others.
John Strain -
Sense and sensibility with a touch of sparkle.
Jo in Japan -
Life and musings of an English teacher in Japan.
Jonny B's private secret diary -
Life. In Norfolk.
Kaliyuga Kronicles -
He claims to be witty, urbane and handsome. Trouble is, he's not.
Krimo's (cookery) Blog -
An interesting and funny insight into the cooking world. Full of humour, love and compassion.
Life is a Pig! -
Life after 70 and several beers.
Little.Red.Boat -
A simple blog that captures each moment perfectly. She also loves making lists.
Me and my big mouth -
Scott Pack's blog.
Mimi in New York -
A Brit in the US.
Mr. Nighttime -
Superb writing from a usual suspect.
Mommy has a Headache -
Sex, children and laughter. Why wasn't she here before?
Past Imperfect -
Pat's life. A treasure to read.
(The)Pissed Kitty -
Insanely funny.
Publog -
A bloke, a pint, a wheelchair and a great sense of humour.
Raised by Chaffinches -
He's flown back.
(The) Red Mist -
Only added seeing as he thinks my Wish List is naff. And he lives in Wales.
Ricardiblog -
A Canuck finally starts blogging. After 6 years of persuasion, and all he blogs about is science and cars??
Sablonneuse -
How does this woman live with what she puts up with - inspiration to us all.
Saltation -
A bloke who makes life sound funny.
Scaryduck -
A duck with a passion for Belgian buns.
Sim -
Sim's blog - powered by Girlpants and a small child.
Smaller than Life -
This blog makes my day complete.
The Mommy Blog -
A 21st Century Mom.
Tine -
Another Belgian, a great photographer.
Troubled Diva -
I love this blog which contains
the best photo of 2002.
Turquoise -
Lisa and Cameron back in Blighty, with yet another daughter.
Vallalar - In the Eye of the Beholder -
A photoblog from another lovely Belgian.
VeryVeryBored - The produce of someone who is incredibly bored.
Walls Come Tumbling Down -
Kenny. He's mad.
(The) Wrath of Dawn -
A Canuck. With a chainsaw.
AWOL Bloggers
A Free Man in Preston -
Oodles of laffs from t'up North.
Audi Olympics -
A screamingly funny blog from someone called Nigel.
Chez Milady -
The Slapper has disappeared again.
Counting Sheep -
There's more to counting sheep in this blog.
Daphne Wayne-Bough -
She's so classy, she's bonkers.
Goth of some sorts -
Based in Belgium, has Spanish roots and is originally from Wales. A Eurocrat, to be sure.
Honey Letting off Steam -
A family blog living in Wales which never fails to surprise, no matter what faces Honey.
It Always Rains in Wales -
Brought to you from Wales.
Joliet Jake -
He's absolutely off his head.
Mannekin Pics -
Daily photos of Brussels by Quarsan. An excellent photoblog.
Naked Blog -
Saucey, daring, and incredibly interesting.
Rachel North -
Incredible. Strength, wit, love and dedication make this a top blog.
My Trailer is Bigger than Your Trailer -
This blog reads to you. Accent and all. Highly amusing.
s e v i t z d o t c o m -
Great humour, lousy speling.
Quickos Daily News - An update on Quickos' exciting
life with the Twat !
Speaking as a Parent -
Well-written. A blog that I can understand.
That's the way Life is ... -
A lovely little blog all the way from the West East Coast.
Watski's World -
Whacky humour.
Flowers that I'd love to receive
T-Shirt Humor
The only T-Shirts that I'd ever buy are from T-Shirt Humor
Thanks To...
FeedBlitz - for the email update service.
Bravenet - for the guest map.
Andy - for being such a twat as to set all this up for me.
AND
Andy Hopkins for hosting and helping hugely to set this up.
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