"You hear laughter breaking through, it makes you want to fart. You’re heading for a breakdown, better pull yourself apart. " - John Cooper Clarke

>Where are the bloody vegetables?

>I have mentioned the Twat’s dire approach to cooking before, in that apart from his infamous pasta bake which we all love, everything else comes out of either a jar or a packet or is ready-made. So I decided to help.

The first introduction was a vegetable to a vegetable.

“Twat, this is a carrot. It is easily distinguishable by its phallic shape and bright orange colour.”

“Owdoo, carrot.”

“This is a potato, but you know all about potatoes. These are mange-tout, green and look like squashed pea-pods.”

“Owdoo spud. Owdoo mange-tout.”

That went fairly well, considering. It wasn’t until I showed him 2 chicken legs that he looked worried, as if to say that the vegetables were for fun – but chicken is meat. What should he do with 2 chicken legs. I explained how they should be cooked and gave him a tip for cooking everything together so that he didn’t have to deal with more than one pyrex dish and one saucepan, as he tends to forget about things.

And it worked – we started eating meat and veg at last.

But on Saturday, as I entered the kitchen to help the Twat tackle a bit of roast beef and found everything almost ready to be served, something didn’t seem to be quite right.

“Q, where are the mushrooms?”

“Oh, I forgot.”

“The onion?”

“Oh, I forgot.”

“And where the fuck are the beans??”

“Oh I forgot…”

“Get the fuck out of my way.”

As the Twat carved up chunks of beef (his carving skills are non-existent) I boiled up a kettle of water, top-and-tailed the beans as fast as possible while stirring the brown stuff that the Twat called Bisto or something.

We ended up with half a carrot each, barely-cooked runner beans, potatoes and roast beef. So to avoid asking where the fuck the vegetables are tonight, I’ve already prepared them with Todd’s divine help. Watching him top-and-tail runner beans 2 at a time was amusing and I certainly wasn’t going to show him how to do it quickly – let the boy find out. And he did, remarkably quickly, I’m pleased to say.

This is going so well that one day the Twat will ask me “where the fuck the meat is.”

I shall smile sweetly and say:

“In Delhaize.”


  1. Posted Monday, January 5, 2009 at 11:36 pm | Permalink

    What about the lentils?

  2. Posted Tuesday, January 6, 2009 at 3:12 am | Permalink

    No swede, or corgette? (I think I spelled that right.. That’s rutabega and zuccini over here.)

  3. Posted Tuesday, January 6, 2009 at 4:21 am | Permalink

    “The meats in the oven… get er own, ’cause ‘m eating mine!” is what you should say! rofl

  4. Posted Tuesday, January 6, 2009 at 6:26 am | Permalink

    Vicus, the Twat farts enough as it is so no to lentils.
    MrN, I thought about courgettes but had already made up my mind. Broccoli tonight, wooohoooo.
    Mal, the Twat is going to end up a vegetarian again. I’m working on it.

  5. quarsan
    Posted Tuesday, January 6, 2009 at 7:08 am | Permalink

    I’m just trying to imagine you ‘smiling sweetely’.

  6. Posted Tuesday, January 6, 2009 at 9:21 am | Permalink

    “Beware a goddess that smiles sweetly” – my father never said that to me but I wish he had …….

  7. DavidK
    Posted Tuesday, January 6, 2009 at 5:19 pm | Permalink

    YOu seem to have forgotten the Yorkshire Pudding when you had the beef?

  8. Posted Tuesday, January 6, 2009 at 5:27 pm | Permalink

    I have absolutely no idea how to make Yorkshire pudding 🙁

  9. Posted Tuesday, January 6, 2009 at 9:30 pm | Permalink

    Hang on a minute… You’re in Brussels…. but, but, but, no mention of sprouts!!
    The shame!

  10. Posted Wednesday, January 7, 2009 at 12:44 pm | Permalink

    Zoe, Yorkies – nor did I until boxing day and they came out brilliantly.
    equal amounts of egg, milk and plain flour (2/3 cup of each enough for twelve small puds – that will be three eggs), pinch of salt and pepper and very importantly, a squirt of vinegar. Beat until mixed. put small amount of oil into pudding tray(s) enough to cover bottom by 2-3mm. Heat until bubbling – must be very hot. Tip in mixture – if it doesn’t bubble straight away you’ve ballsed it up. Stick it in the top of a very hot oven for about 20 minutes. Do not open the door. Perfect yorkies.