"You hear laughter breaking through, it makes you want to fart. You’re heading for a breakdown, better pull yourself apart. " - John Cooper Clarke

>Albino poo.

>Saturday was such a beautiful day that I thought it right to introduce Herman to the Great Outdoors that is my garden. I put him on the patio where he stayed totally immobile, deep in thought. He even looked bored so I thought introducing him to other inhabitants of my garden was a good idea. The newt looked at Herman. Herman looked at the newt. Neither moved. So I put the newt back in his home only to find my tortoise heading back towards the house.

Tortoises like grass – normally, so I moved him onto the lawn in a lovely sunny bit by the washing line. Herman didn’t move for forty-five minutes until it seemed to dawn on him that he was, in fact, sitting on an enormous plate of food. He liked the clover and the dandelion leaves as a tortoise is expected to and I blessed my garden for being so full of weeds. As he became more adventurous he decided to head towards an ex-flowerbed and try and hide in the stuff growing there. After an hour I had had enough of baby-sitting Herman and took him inside where he did a huge, white poo.

I need to check up on this as I’m not sure how normal it is, especially as he did another one today. But he can’t be too ill as he was chewing away on a week old turd yesterday after getting stuck in his water bowl for half an hour.

There are newts aplenty and I must get a run made for Herman. Stick in Todd and you could say that I have a tropical zoo.

Coralie came back on Saturday after a week away visiting various parts of France and Spain for her Tourism studies WITH A BLOODY SUN TAN. She’s looking rather pink today and her nose is peeling so perhaps we get to have the last laugh, but really, visiting all these places where it’s 25°C is making me extremely jealous. Plus it was fun. The last thing studies are supposed to be is fun.

Todd made a fleeting visit only to disappear again when requested to clean his bedroom for the sixth week running and Tatiana scored a goal in her hockey match meaning that her team didn’t lose for the first time in months. The Twat shaved his head without any mishaps and Jade Goody passed away, RIP. Jade, a woman who I only knew about via the Shelpagate Affair but whose strength and determination to stay alive for as long as possible has made me realise that perhaps I shouldn’t be so lax about visits to my gynaecologist. What does make my blood boil is when women in England wait to “be asked” to go for a smear. Surely a Family Planning Clinic will do one without sending out an invitation?

Maybe I’m just lucky living here as nobody asks me, it’s up to me to go. There again, if it were done for free here I’d be a little stricter with my visits.

Right. I have a phone call to make.