"You hear laughter breaking through, it makes you want to fart. You’re heading for a breakdown, better pull yourself apart. " - John Cooper Clarke

>Albino poo.

>Saturday was such a beautiful day that I thought it right to introduce Herman to the Great Outdoors that is my garden. I put him on the patio where he stayed totally immobile, deep in thought. He even looked bored so I thought introducing him to other inhabitants of my garden was a good idea. The newt looked at Herman. Herman looked at the newt. Neither moved. So I put the newt back in his home only to find my tortoise heading back towards the house.

Tortoises like grass – normally, so I moved him onto the lawn in a lovely sunny bit by the washing line. Herman didn’t move for forty-five minutes until it seemed to dawn on him that he was, in fact, sitting on an enormous plate of food. He liked the clover and the dandelion leaves as a tortoise is expected to and I blessed my garden for being so full of weeds. As he became more adventurous he decided to head towards an ex-flowerbed and try and hide in the stuff growing there. After an hour I had had enough of baby-sitting Herman and took him inside where he did a huge, white poo.

I need to check up on this as I’m not sure how normal it is, especially as he did another one today. But he can’t be too ill as he was chewing away on a week old turd yesterday after getting stuck in his water bowl for half an hour.

There are newts aplenty and I must get a run made for Herman. Stick in Todd and you could say that I have a tropical zoo.

Coralie came back on Saturday after a week away visiting various parts of France and Spain for her Tourism studies WITH A BLOODY SUN TAN. She’s looking rather pink today and her nose is peeling so perhaps we get to have the last laugh, but really, visiting all these places where it’s 25°C is making me extremely jealous. Plus it was fun. The last thing studies are supposed to be is fun.

Todd made a fleeting visit only to disappear again when requested to clean his bedroom for the sixth week running and Tatiana scored a goal in her hockey match meaning that her team didn’t lose for the first time in months. The Twat shaved his head without any mishaps and Jade Goody passed away, RIP. Jade, a woman who I only knew about via the Shelpagate Affair but whose strength and determination to stay alive for as long as possible has made me realise that perhaps I shouldn’t be so lax about visits to my gynaecologist. What does make my blood boil is when women in England wait to “be asked” to go for a smear. Surely a Family Planning Clinic will do one without sending out an invitation?

Maybe I’m just lucky living here as nobody asks me, it’s up to me to go. There again, if it were done for free here I’d be a little stricter with my visits.

Right. I have a phone call to make.


  1. Posted Monday, March 23, 2009 at 12:43 pm | Permalink

    If you are too young they will refuse to give you a smear even if you ask.

  2. sue-que
    Posted Monday, March 23, 2009 at 2:00 pm | Permalink

    There is now a vaccine against the virus that can cause cervical cancer. Most parents here in Canada are having their daughters innoculated in their early teens. Not available in Europe?

  3. bb
    Posted Monday, March 23, 2009 at 4:09 pm | Permalink

    The vacine is being rolled out in UK but the govt decided to go for the cheaper version that doesn’t protect women from warts too.
    About Herman’s white poo: does this make him a retro 1970s tortoise as I only ever saw white poo then?

  4. Posted Monday, March 23, 2009 at 5:43 pm | Permalink

    We have the vaccine here, Dom was too old to qualify. I have to see the Swedish chef with his telescopic microscope once a year and I get an invite for a mamogram every two years.
    You mean Todd askes if he can clean his own room? Please let me know how you managed that one.

  5. Posted Monday, March 23, 2009 at 6:12 pm | Permalink

    Herman isn’t crossed with a poodle is he?
    The white poo made me wonder!

  6. Posted Monday, March 23, 2009 at 9:56 pm | Permalink

    Not heard of the vaccine over here, but smears and boob checks (once you reach 35 for the latter) are a yearly event. If you’re good to yourself. No invites – nada.
    Girls over here can get a smear test at quite a young age – before they are sexually active, even.

  7. Posted Monday, March 23, 2009 at 11:24 pm | Permalink

    Smear test. *shudders* Couldn’t they give it a more attractive name? (Available to give boob checks).

  8. Posted Monday, March 23, 2009 at 11:44 pm | Permalink

    Turtle-sitting? OMG! hahaaaa

  9. Posted Tuesday, March 24, 2009 at 1:15 am | Permalink

    Just found out that my friends down the road have a tortoise called ‘Pastie’, because they found him in the garden of a deserted house in Cornwall last year.
    He must have been there years fending for himself after the previous owners moved away in 19something!

  10. Posted Tuesday, March 24, 2009 at 4:51 am | Permalink

    Cervical cancer vaccines are very new here, though they don’t cover all varieties of the disease. Not sure when they will have it over there yet.
    At least if Goody’s death prompts more awareness for early detection, then she will have not died in vain.

  11. quarsan
    Posted Tuesday, March 24, 2009 at 7:02 am | Permalink

    Hyenas have white poo. It’s because of the bones they eat.

  12. bb
    Posted Tuesday, March 24, 2009 at 10:02 am | Permalink

    Nice fact, Q. (Or did you make it up?)
    Whose bones is Herman eating?

  13. Posted Wednesday, March 25, 2009 at 5:57 pm | Permalink

    White tortoise poo is quite normal. My ex-wife’s Bobby used to regularly crap white all over the shop. And if you buy your dog bones you can recreate that 60s and 70s poo fun quite easily.