"You hear laughter breaking through, it makes you want to fart. You’re heading for a breakdown, better pull yourself apart. " - John Cooper Clarke

>Beneath the smoke, there’s Spring.

>Oh gawd, I’m a mess in the kitchen, I really am. The Twat is correct, just don’t let him know about this statement, but really, I should not be allowed in the kitchen. Last night he prepared a watery curry for me before leaving for something. It may have been a meeting or a drink; I have no recollection, but he did prepare my watery curry. He left the noodles on the table and also the naan bread. How sweet of him. Then he left.

I went downstairs to start heating up the water-curry and throw some egg noodles into some pre-boiled water, and before you ask, the two simply do not go together. I was too lazy to find the couscous as the cupboards in the kitchen scare me somewhat. When I open one of them it tends to spit out all my tupperware and faux tupperware which upsets me endlessly. There is another cupboard which throws out a box of cereal each time I open it. This is most distressing until I open another one which is empty. This particular cupboard pleases me in some ways, but not in others. Next to it is the biscuit cupboard. I hate that one as it’s always empty when it should be full. Culprits? Todd and the Twat. Moaners? Coralie and Tatiana.

So there I was in the kitchen, half-heartedly heating up my water-curry whilst checking on my noodles thrown in pre-boiled water. Ooooo, I thought, I’d better heat up the naan bread so as to soak up all that water. So I chucked a piece into the microwave, turned it on and dealt with the rest of the runny stuff. Time was ticking by quickly and Eastenders had just started so I thought “bugger this, I’ll grab the bread out of the microwave and try and take everything into the living room without spilling anything.”

I turned around only to witness smoke pouring out of the microwave. What had I done? Set the thing on fire? Was the bread on fire? Help, I needed firemen in uniform. Lots and lots of them to save me from this microwave that was about to explode.

Common sense kicked in, as it so often does when you know you’re not going to get what you want.

I opened the microwave only to be overwhelmed by the fumes emanating from the damn box and found a shrivelled piece of bread in it. Well fuck, that’s my naan bread literally up the chimney, so I took it out and threw it in the sink, burning four fingers in the process. I opened the window, shovelled some water-curry on top of the noodles and hurried as fast as I could into the living room, making sure to shut the kitchen door and avoid any slops.


But I missed half of Eastenders, supper was disgusting and the house smelt as if half of it had burnt down. Hopefully, with this Springy weather I’ll be able to open all the doors and de-pong the house. I may have to take the microwave outside too.

If only tortoises could cook.