"You hear laughter breaking through, it makes you want to fart. You’re heading for a breakdown, better pull yourself apart. " - John Cooper Clarke

>Herman’s lump of poo.

>Nothing much disgusts me these days – I put it down to having brought up 3 children. As a parent you end up dealing with vomit, wet underwear and quite a lot of poo in every shade you can imagine and every single consistency that exists. Parenting makes you a stronger person, I think, but that could be said for people in certain jobs who are childless, for example nurses, ambulance men and women and the police force. We all have a bond: vomit and shit.

I’m not too fond of either, but can deal with it because I have had to in the past and so carry on dealing with it. But Herman managed to tip me over the edge.

As I was force-feeding him his chicory one day, I noticed that after he’d lifted the back of his shell somewhat, he’d left a rather large lump of steaming shit. Proud that his bowels were obviously functioning well meaning that things were all good and healthy in that department, I carried on feeding him. Fortunately, tortoises can eat rather quickly and I do enjoy our ‘one-to-one’s’. Soon he’ll be calling me ‘mummy’.

After a while, Herman had had enough and turned around to trundle off to the depths of his welly. I was amused as suddenly the steaming turd that was still glistening under the lamp was in his way. Ready to see how he’d circumnavigate the black blob, I was absolutely repulsed when I witnessed my tortoise opening his beak and gulping back his own shit. One minute it was there, the next – it had entirely gone. Down Herman’s throat.

Believe me. I’ve not kissed him since.

11 Comments

  1. Posted Thursday, March 5, 2009 at 10:10 pm | Permalink

    Our tortoise Shelley used to swish her little offerings around with her tail and then massage it into her undershell – you can only get that stuff off with a nail brush (ewk). She never once made a sound except once, when she farted. It was bizarre and still raises a titter in our household when we discuss it.
    We did have a bulimic dog, but we got sick of him…

  2. Posted Thursday, March 5, 2009 at 10:10 pm | Permalink

    Our tortoise Shelley used to swish her little offerings around with her tail and then massage it into her undershell – you can only get that stuff off with a nail brush (ewk). She never once made a sound except once, when she farted. It was bizarre and still raises a titter in our household when we discuss it.
    We did have a bulimic dog, but we got sick of him…

  3. Posted Thursday, March 5, 2009 at 10:10 pm | Permalink

    Our tortoise Shelley used to swish her little offerings around with her tail and then massage it into her undershell – you can only get that stuff off with a nail brush (ewk). She never once made a sound except once, when she farted. It was bizarre and still raises a titter in our household when we discuss it.
    We did have a bulimic dog, but we got sick of him…

  4. Posted Thursday, March 5, 2009 at 10:10 pm | Permalink

    Our tortoise Shelley used to swish her little offerings around with her tail and then massage it into her undershell – you can only get that stuff off with a nail brush (ewk). She never once made a sound except once, when she farted. It was bizarre and still raises a titter in our household when we discuss it.
    We did have a bulimic dog, but we got sick of him…

  5. Posted Thursday, March 19, 2009 at 12:26 pm | Permalink

    Very funny.
    I recently writ a smelly poem wot u may like to read.
    If u don’t like it, feel free to spit on it.
    Shit
    Though disinclined to mention it
    I really hate the smell of shit
    The other thing that gets me down
    Is why on earth it’s always brown?
    If I was God I think I might
    Make it fluffy, furry and white
    Another thing I’d do as well
    Is change that awful horrid smell.
    If you don’t mind I might propose
    To make it smell of summer rose
    And don’t you think it would be heaven
    If it ponged of Chanel No 7.
    But wait, if we need energy
    Why not use electricity
    Plug yourself in, then the wife
    And wake at dawn brimful of life?
    No more eating, no more poo
    Much more time for things to do
    No more rancid horrid stench
    And suicide among the French!
    The more I sit and think of it
    The more I flipping hate brown shit
    And now I know just what to do
    I’ll be The Queen – she doesn’t poo!
    Very silly isn’t it?
    Robin.
    Ex-pat Languedocian Othertwat.

  6. Posted Thursday, March 19, 2009 at 12:26 pm | Permalink

    Very funny.
    I recently writ a smelly poem wot u may like to read.
    If u don’t like it, feel free to spit on it.
    Shit
    Though disinclined to mention it
    I really hate the smell of shit
    The other thing that gets me down
    Is why on earth it’s always brown?
    If I was God I think I might
    Make it fluffy, furry and white
    Another thing I’d do as well
    Is change that awful horrid smell.
    If you don’t mind I might propose
    To make it smell of summer rose
    And don’t you think it would be heaven
    If it ponged of Chanel No 7.
    But wait, if we need energy
    Why not use electricity
    Plug yourself in, then the wife
    And wake at dawn brimful of life?
    No more eating, no more poo
    Much more time for things to do
    No more rancid horrid stench
    And suicide among the French!
    The more I sit and think of it
    The more I flipping hate brown shit
    And now I know just what to do
    I’ll be The Queen – she doesn’t poo!
    Very silly isn’t it?
    Robin.
    Ex-pat Languedocian Othertwat.

  7. Posted Thursday, March 19, 2009 at 12:26 pm | Permalink

    Very funny.
    I recently writ a smelly poem wot u may like to read.
    If u don’t like it, feel free to spit on it.
    Shit
    Though disinclined to mention it
    I really hate the smell of shit
    The other thing that gets me down
    Is why on earth it’s always brown?
    If I was God I think I might
    Make it fluffy, furry and white
    Another thing I’d do as well
    Is change that awful horrid smell.
    If you don’t mind I might propose
    To make it smell of summer rose
    And don’t you think it would be heaven
    If it ponged of Chanel No 7.
    But wait, if we need energy
    Why not use electricity
    Plug yourself in, then the wife
    And wake at dawn brimful of life?
    No more eating, no more poo
    Much more time for things to do
    No more rancid horrid stench
    And suicide among the French!
    The more I sit and think of it
    The more I flipping hate brown shit
    And now I know just what to do
    I’ll be The Queen – she doesn’t poo!
    Very silly isn’t it?
    Robin.
    Ex-pat Languedocian Othertwat.

  8. Posted Thursday, March 19, 2009 at 12:26 pm | Permalink

    Very funny.
    I recently writ a smelly poem wot u may like to read.
    If u don’t like it, feel free to spit on it.
    Shit
    Though disinclined to mention it
    I really hate the smell of shit
    The other thing that gets me down
    Is why on earth it’s always brown?
    If I was God I think I might
    Make it fluffy, furry and white
    Another thing I’d do as well
    Is change that awful horrid smell.
    If you don’t mind I might propose
    To make it smell of summer rose
    And don’t you think it would be heaven
    If it ponged of Chanel No 7.
    But wait, if we need energy
    Why not use electricity
    Plug yourself in, then the wife
    And wake at dawn brimful of life?
    No more eating, no more poo
    Much more time for things to do
    No more rancid horrid stench
    And suicide among the French!
    The more I sit and think of it
    The more I flipping hate brown shit
    And now I know just what to do
    I’ll be The Queen – she doesn’t poo!
    Very silly isn’t it?
    Robin.
    Ex-pat Languedocian Othertwat.

  9. Posted Thursday, March 19, 2009 at 12:26 pm | Permalink

    Very funny.
    I recently writ a smelly poem wot u may like to read.
    If u don’t like it, feel free to spit on it.
    Shit
    Though disinclined to mention it
    I really hate the smell of shit
    The other thing that gets me down
    Is why on earth it’s always brown?
    If I was God I think I might
    Make it fluffy, furry and white
    Another thing I’d do as well
    Is change that awful horrid smell.
    If you don’t mind I might propose
    To make it smell of summer rose
    And don’t you think it would be heaven
    If it ponged of Chanel No 7.
    But wait, if we need energy
    Why not use electricity
    Plug yourself in, then the wife
    And wake at dawn brimful of life?
    No more eating, no more poo
    Much more time for things to do
    No more rancid horrid stench
    And suicide among the French!
    The more I sit and think of it
    The more I flipping hate brown shit
    And now I know just what to do
    I’ll be The Queen – she doesn’t poo!
    Very silly isn’t it?
    Robin.
    Ex-pat Languedocian Othertwat.

  10. Posted Thursday, March 19, 2009 at 12:26 pm | Permalink

    Very funny.
    I recently writ a smelly poem wot u may like to read.
    If u don’t like it, feel free to spit on it.
    Shit
    Though disinclined to mention it
    I really hate the smell of shit
    The other thing that gets me down
    Is why on earth it’s always brown?
    If I was God I think I might
    Make it fluffy, furry and white
    Another thing I’d do as well
    Is change that awful horrid smell.
    If you don’t mind I might propose
    To make it smell of summer rose
    And don’t you think it would be heaven
    If it ponged of Chanel No 7.
    But wait, if we need energy
    Why not use electricity
    Plug yourself in, then the wife
    And wake at dawn brimful of life?
    No more eating, no more poo
    Much more time for things to do
    No more rancid horrid stench
    And suicide among the French!
    The more I sit and think of it
    The more I flipping hate brown shit
    And now I know just what to do
    I’ll be The Queen – she doesn’t poo!
    Very silly isn’t it?
    Robin.
    Ex-pat Languedocian Othertwat.

  11. Posted Thursday, March 19, 2009 at 12:26 pm | Permalink

    Very funny.
    I recently writ a smelly poem wot u may like to read.
    If u don’t like it, feel free to spit on it.
    Shit
    Though disinclined to mention it
    I really hate the smell of shit
    The other thing that gets me down
    Is why on earth it’s always brown?
    If I was God I think I might
    Make it fluffy, furry and white
    Another thing I’d do as well
    Is change that awful horrid smell.
    If you don’t mind I might propose
    To make it smell of summer rose
    And don’t you think it would be heaven
    If it ponged of Chanel No 7.
    But wait, if we need energy
    Why not use electricity
    Plug yourself in, then the wife
    And wake at dawn brimful of life?
    No more eating, no more poo
    Much more time for things to do
    No more rancid horrid stench
    And suicide among the French!
    The more I sit and think of it
    The more I flipping hate brown shit
    And now I know just what to do
    I’ll be The Queen – she doesn’t poo!
    Very silly isn’t it?
    Robin.
    Ex-pat Languedocian Othertwat.