>People that have been following this blog for a long time and those sad enough to have read the archives from the beginning will know how this blog started, and possibly, the very first post which was pretty boring, but what got the Twat to dare me to start a blog called “My Boyfriend is a Twat.” The rest, as they say, is history.
It all began with shopping lists.
Yes, chickadees, shopping lists.
You see, 7 years ago we had a car given to us by a very dear friend of mine. I can’t drive. The Twat can, and so we used it mainly to get Todd to parties, drive Todd to his footie matches simply for the sheer amusement of watching his attempts at playing – and the shopping.
Seeing as I had a freezer that worked back then, we would try and get a week’s shopping done in one go. This meant writing a shopping list. A long one. And each week I would foresee the meals ahead of us and write down what, exactly was needed, along with everything else. This shopping list was a priceless list worth euros and euros after all the slaving I had done to foresee what was needed in the house for the coming week.
It was a treasure.
A masterpiece of work that I would put into the hands of my partner while I was tying up my boots – who would consequently leave it on the kitchen table. Each and every time.
When I finally learnt in my slow way of learning that the Twat was incapable of doing anything responsible, let alone be in charge of a shopping list, I started to shout at him more often than not – “You TWAT!”. Then he dared me and then there’s history.
Things slowly got worse, the car broke down and died a silent yet costly death, our means of transport returned to legs, bicycles and public transport and I gave up with writing out shopping lists as the Twat refused to let me go shopping with him. This meant that if there were more than 3 items to buy, he needed a note, not that he ever bought all 3 or 4 items on the ‘note’, but it was needed. Now he can go out and entirely forget that he was supposed to bring home a loaf of bread. Or some eggs. In fact, having asked him since last Saturday to buy both bread and eggs the only thing that he has come home with is horseradish sauce. WTF?
Which brings me to last Friday. I was watching something on YouTube when I suddenly heard someone shouting. Pause, take off headphones and I could hear the Twat yelling at me from downstairs as to what I’d like for supper. I replied, making the meal as simple as possible – and a loaf of bread. I also asked the Twat to post the stack of letters on the kitchen table.
“Lettuce? But I bought one 2 days ago.”
“No, you twat, LETTERS, that are ON THE KITCHEN TABLE.”
“But I bought a lettuce 2 days ago – you don’t need another one.”
Ah. Smartypants is playing on his hearing which is rapidly getting worse. Probably because I shout at him so much. With reason.
“I know about the lettUCE, you twat, but could you post the letTERS that are on the kitchen table please? Thank you.”
“Yes Hun.” [He is such a sore loser.]
While he was out I went downstairs to get something.
And there, on the table, were my letters. Not the lettuce, but my letters that I needed sending out that very day.
When he came back I turned the Twat around, thrust the letters into his hand and told him to post them in the post box that he had just passed twice on his way to and fro Delhaize. And when he left, I checked what he had bought. Stuff, but not a loaf of bread in sight.
Since having asked him on Saturday for bread and eggs, he still failed to deliver. That means that after having been asked for 4 days to buy 2 items – he has STILL failed.
I’m a fool to trust him with my bankcard but he is the one with the spare time to get the shopping in.
The Twat of the Highest Order may have to give in and let me go shopping with him in future.
I. Have. Had. Enough.
17 Comments
There’ no answer to that. . . unless of course you are considering having him adopted? Or a brain transplant? Maybe even trade him in for a younger model?
http://www.caddyhome.be/general/homepage/_fr/homepage.asp?language=6&sessionID=842380945
Nee I say more?
Claude, I have considered using Caddyhome but I prefer choosing my meat and veg rather than ordering them online. Plus there’s a Â7 delivery charge.
At least I’d get my bread and eggs though.
Let me sleep on it.
The solution is elementary, my dear Twatson: Twitter his grocery list.
I’m amazed he actually managed to find his way home again, without getting lost or distracted on the way back! hahahaa.
Man shall not live by bread alone. According to my mate Matt, Jesus said that. He also admonished people to pray for their daily bread. I suspect that that is where you have been going wrong.
I suspect that the Twat and Jesus have a lot in common – suffering, being scorned, and maintaining a shiny disposition through adversity.
Have you considered that you may be a prime witness to the second coming?
Aren’t they bloody useless? This has inspired a post, based on what has just happened in my house. I will, of course, give full inspiration-credit to you!
Shopping’s tricky – that’s all I’m saying – it involves a lot of variables, including goddesses changing their minds and not defining articles accurately.
If I see ‘tights’ on a shopping list that has been shoved in my direction for instance, panic rises in my breast when confronted with the display at the supermarket.
I then have to find a signal for the mobile so that I can get further instructions which usually ends with “Oh, don’t bother …… I’ll sort it out myself tomorrow”
I do try you know ……
Sounds like you might have to give up YouTube and start walking down to the shop yourself. Sorry.
I think the Riot Act is long overdue and I suggest you get all friends and family to save up for his first hearing aid. Poor boy.
Poor Q, you should stop bullying him!
Two words for you. Internet shopping.
Internet shopping is great, but I love food shopping and hate clothes shopping.
Feeling veg, especially cucumbers, can be so fulfilling.
I agree, internet shopping is the way!
Saves the environment, 1 van instead of many cars I know you don’t have one
saves stress as you will give precise information via the wonders of a website of what you want to order, if you need to get some stuff yourself, then, well you have answered your question..
if they don’t deliver things correctly well, all you do is send it back on the next order….
Do you do much veg feeling when Q is sent to the shops and you sit at your ‘puter?
B-)
Hahaha, Q. sounds like some men I’m related to.
‘Hon’ rather than ‘hun’ surely?
On second thoughts…