"You hear laughter breaking through, it makes you want to fart. You’re heading for a breakdown, better pull yourself apart. " - John Cooper Clarke

>My Boyfriend Is A Twat.

>What does he do with his time? The man gets up far too early, then literally dives for his computer, turns it on and then makes himself a cup of coffee, comes back and does … what? I’ve no idea. None whatsoever. Not a clue.

Yesterday, for example. I called him in the morning asking if he was coming into town. He was and so I asked if he could drop off a sandwich for me as he happens to have my bank card.

“Certainly, no problem – is 1pm OK?”
“Ooooh, could you make that 12.30pm – I’m starving.”
“OK. See you then.”

I thought that was so sweet and carried on working happily, knowing that lunch was on it’s way.

Bzzzzz (that was the parlophone, just in case you hadn’t guessed).

I jumped up – LUNCH!

“Livraison.”

Blast, the office orders had arrived. Oh well, not long now.

Wishful bloody thinking.

1pm. Stomach started making erratic sounds resembling a washing machine.
1.15pm. Feelings of weakness and apathy.
1.30pm. Feelings of murder and slow deaths.
1.45pm. Feelings that I may be the one dying a slow death.
1.55pm. Feelings of – hang on. Was that the parlophone again?

A sandwich arrived. The wrong one, but it was food. And a smoothie. Then the Twat pissed off to the library and yet another interview.

After I arrived home I realised that the shopping hadn’t been done – so what on earth had been going on since 5.30am – 1.55pm?

So I decided to feed Herman some tomato which he appeared to like and then went upstairs to help Tatiana with her homework. While she was making the adjustments to her flyer I checked in again on Herman.

He was chewing on a very old turd and what’s more, appeared to be enjoying it.

I couldn’t sum up the day any better: shit.

23 Comments

  1. Posted Tuesday, March 10, 2009 at 8:23 am | Permalink

    Lol…you know what he’s doing, he’s on Twitter! ;o)

  2. NaF
    Posted Tuesday, March 10, 2009 at 9:08 am | Permalink

    Whose turd was it?

  3. Posted Tuesday, March 10, 2009 at 9:40 am | Permalink

    Ok, pursuing a carreer in pizza delivery is clearly not an option.
    And if Herman loves cleaning up shit, he can take over my job.

  4. Posted Tuesday, March 10, 2009 at 9:50 am | Permalink

    What does he do all day? Tries to escape the nosey old tart that he lives with and get a few moments peace. I hope he manages it one day.

  5. Posted Tuesday, March 10, 2009 at 9:53 am | Permalink

    The title of this post ‘My Boyfriend is a Twat’ would make an excellent title for a blog …. or even a book …… just sayin’

  6. Posted Tuesday, March 10, 2009 at 3:44 pm | Permalink

    Oh, merde! lol

  7. Posted Tuesday, March 10, 2009 at 4:39 pm | Permalink

    He is probably surfing the web, looking for old Buzzcock videos (with or without the buzz) as he admits. Perhaps if you made up a list each day with things for him to do, with an exact time to start them? Give him some direction.

  8. Posted Tuesday, March 10, 2009 at 4:55 pm | Permalink

    Joe. Done that – he didn’t.

  9. Posted Tuesday, March 10, 2009 at 5:09 pm | Permalink

    Just discovered you! Bloody marvellous stuff. Will be back with bells on.
    Tanvir (chimera)

  10. Posted Tuesday, March 10, 2009 at 6:20 pm | Permalink

    What did I do? Got a press pass and some regular work. This is Brussels, you’ve got to network. Got a weekly column in a newspaper by networking on Twitter, not bad.

  11. Posted Tuesday, March 10, 2009 at 6:34 pm | Permalink

    Oh that’s a good one “Networking”. Must remember that!

  12. Posted Tuesday, March 10, 2009 at 6:51 pm | Permalink

    Zoe, you should clean up after Herman more often! And give him some nicer food as he obviously prefers shit!

  13. Posted Tuesday, March 10, 2009 at 7:12 pm | Permalink

    Hell no! Very funny!!

  14. Posted Tuesday, March 10, 2009 at 7:36 pm | Permalink

    Q – that was today. What did you do YESTERDAY? Twat.

  15. Anonymous
    Posted Tuesday, March 10, 2009 at 8:46 pm | Permalink

    Oh Christ, he has a press pass and a weekly column. well done. Twat started out with nothing in life and after so many years, still has most of it.

  16. Z
    Posted Tuesday, March 10, 2009 at 9:08 pm | Permalink

    This is all normal male behaviour. What’s the problem?

  17. Posted Tuesday, March 10, 2009 at 9:19 pm | Permalink

    Anon, meaning?
    Z, it’s a problem. A Big Problem.

  18. Posted Tuesday, March 10, 2009 at 10:06 pm | Permalink

    This is how my mind works when I’ve just consumed two bottles of wine and a whisky and pep.
    Herman is a german name, right? And he eats shit? I immediately thought of a film I saw many moons ago starring Micheal Rennie. (Rennie. Tablets that make you shit). I think the film was called “The Turd Man” and the theme music was “The Harry Slime Theme” played on some weird type of stringed instrument that has a lot of tortoise shell in it.
    Now, where did I put my coat?. . . .

  19. Posted Wednesday, March 11, 2009 at 1:25 pm | Permalink

    Herman helped Tatiana with her homework?

  20. bb
    Posted Wednesday, March 11, 2009 at 2:38 pm | Permalink

    “What does he do with his time?”
    Wanking, maybe?
    Just a thought, cos he ain’t doing the shopping/washing/tidying up/tortoise-shit-removal.
    Have you checked Q’s browsing history for porn/twitter (sorry, twatter)-related activity?

  21. Impartial Observer
    Posted Friday, March 13, 2009 at 1:44 am | Permalink

    If he’s such a twat why don’t you just dump him?
    Women. Honestly.

  22. Posted Friday, March 13, 2009 at 7:43 am | Permalink

    Impartial Observer, your observations are extremely impartial. Try again, dear.

  23. Posted Saturday, March 14, 2009 at 3:53 pm | Permalink

    You don’t kiss him anymore, I hope.
    Herman, I mean.