"You hear laughter breaking through, it makes you want to fart. You’re heading for a breakdown, better pull yourself apart. " - John Cooper Clarke

>The confusing state of Todd’s mind.

>The ongoing battle between Todd and his anger, his sisters, the Twat and I was quite calm last week for a change. I had set up a meeting between his dad, PHT, the Twat and me to discuss Todd’s issues and it was a genius idea, even if I say so myself. We came away from the meeting agreeing on punishments that we should set for Todd, times for him to come home and other rules that only the army would think of. It was also a good time to discuss how Todd isn’t just a pain here but then I knew that anyway because the girls told me.

When Todd decided to come home after 6pm on the Monday I decided that now was the time to calmly give him a quick lecture with regards his behaviour. I did have something in my favour though, and that was the fact that I had stupidly allowed the boy to go and see Enter Shikari at l’Ancienne Belgique on the Thursday night.

But that was a Good Thing Called Bait and I used it to my satisfaction throughout the week telling Todd that even if he went straight to the venue from school I could stop him getting in by calling l’Ancienne Belgique. It was almost too easy really, and the week flew by without any problems and so the boy was allowed to go to this ‘concert’ where everyone would be pogoing and we were then subjected to detailed accounts about what ‘pogoing’ is. I have had to tell Todd on more than one occasion that I was around in 1976 when Sid Vicious claimed to have invented the form of dance, but that goes right over his head.

OK, it was a long time ago.

The morning after the concert Todd came into out room, his voice booming as if he hadn’t shut up from the night before and sporting one of the band’s t-shirts. Apparently the concert was fantastic and at one point Todd was been carried through the air by everyone else and look, Mama! I broke my tooth – cool!

That worked better than my alarm clock and I was sitting bolt upright in bed as Todd showed us his gaping hole. He’d managed to knock the crown off his front tooth. It was Friday morning. He was going to Italy with his school the following morning.

“Todd, tell me, what on earth is so great about breaking your tooth?”
“It didn’t hurt, Mama, and look, I look so – cool.”
[It appears that he had totally forgotten that the tooth was already broken. Whatever.]
“You don’t look cool Todd.”
“Yeah, I do. I’ll show all my friends at school.”
“Todd, do you know what day it is?”
“Yeah.”
“Do you realise that you are going to Italy tomorrow?”
“Yeah, well – I’ll look cool.”

So Todd left for school, looking ‘cool’ and I called his dad as it was out of my hands now. Instead of sticking to his word and letting Todd go to Italy looking like a prat for the next week, the Ex arranged for Todd to have his tooth re-crowned that afternoon, after which he came round here scrounging for pocket money for the trip. Thinking that was the last I’d see of him for a week I settled down for the weekend.

At stupid o’clock the next day, Todd burst into my bedroom asking if I had his ID card.

“No, Todd, why on earth should I have your ID card?”
“BECAUSE YOU’RE MY MOTHER.”
[Fair enough, nothing to bait him with…]
“The last time I saw your ID card was when I paid for it, Todd. Since then, you should have had it on you at all times. Aren’t you going to Italy today?”
“YES.”

I had to snigger as I heard him turning his bedroom upside-down in a vain attempt to find it. He left without luck, slamming the door.

My next visitor was Tatiana who had lost her hockey boots and skirt which she needed for a hockey match. She told us that Todd had found his ID card at his dad’s though.

Call me a bitch, but something inside of me really wished that Todd hadn’t found his ID card.

It could have taught him a lesson.

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