"You hear laughter breaking through, it makes you want to fart. You’re heading for a breakdown, better pull yourself apart. " - John Cooper Clarke
>
Herman does like a kip. Yesterday evening we were looking at him as he had burrowed his head under a stick. We were wondering what he was up to, but after a few hours, it was bedtime so I picked him up and found he was fast asleep. I set him down by his welly and he slowly woke up and wandered into the welly for more sleep.
>
We’ve had a lovely few days in the sun. I’ve managed to get two PC’s up and running for the girls, although one is running Ubuntu so no doubt one of them will become a geek. It took a while to get one of the boxes to accept that a CD drive was really a DVD, but trying to instal Win 7 sorted that out, even though it wouldn’t install.
You’re not interested in that are you? Right. We had a visit from John Terry, who, remarkably returned after spending a weekend with us a while ago. He came in his friends toy car again which is about as big as your average Flamand.
He introduced by darling Zoe, whom I love deeply, to Wii, apparantly some sort of televisual device for shooting animated bunnies with, whilst playing the most annoying music in the world.
My dearest, darling Zoe, whom I love deeply, did awfully well, possibly because she’s had a lot of practice at waving her arms about wildly.
Herman had a busy weekend, racing up and down the garden. it’s only a matter of time before we enter him in some competetive events. He also makes a brave try at hurdles and managed to avoid falling down the hole in the garden.
Tomorrow, I’m off to an event on sustainable packaging. How thrilling.
>I’ve not been in there much as I gave up cooking ages ago. I tend to lean back with a glass of Bordeaux and delegate tasks to the poor minions dying of starvation under my very roof. You can’t really blame me as I have a bad back and a blister on my right foot. Nobody with a blister on their right foot should be expected to stand up and cook, for heaven’s sake – that would be immoral. The back is an outstanding problem: you want food from me? then accept the consequences afterwards.
Neither here nor there, I decided to try and remember a home-concocted recipe of mine to feed to my poor, unsuspecting visitor tonight. Back-ache? No. Well, not yet. Blister-ache? Err, no. Well, not yet. Neck-ache? FUCK, YES.
Chopping carrots into the little strips that I wanted them to be has brought on neck-ache. It’s not a life-threatening condition so I shall bravely live with it. And my John Terry lookalike, Famulus, will have to eat every.single.bit.of.it. Or else I will kill him. And he won’t be the first. I remember that he doesn’t like mushrooms, so the Twat and I will add those to our plates, because I remember that he really, really, hates mushrooms.
He has no idea on what he has missed out on.
Anyway, the kitchen is amazing.
It even has a table – where did that come from.
>DO NOT mention the following incidents that got you fired from your previous Sales Job:
- When calling up some poor, unsuspecting female to flog off some ridiculously-priced wines, you asked her how she was.
- The afore-mentioned poor, unsuspecting female replied negatively, complaining of a [genuine] headache and to which you should NOT mention, on all accounts, that you took pity and sympathised with the woman at the end of the line by saying “Ah Madame, c’est l’age ….” and was very curtly cut off just before you heard her shriek in English, “WHAT THE FUCK?” several times.
DO:
- Mention the amount of clients that you have built up over the past X months and the good relationship that you had with them via the phone.
- Mention the ratio of men to women – it’s good for statistics.
- Brag about the amount of customers that you had and always bought from you.
- If possible, show the amount of customers that bought from YOU due to your excellent communication skills compared to your colleagues.
- If asked, give an example as to how you ring up new, potential clients via a fake phone call infront of your new employers-to-be.
- Should a female client complain of a headache when you ask her how she is, sympathise and let her know that you will call again when she is feeling better.
Because, believe it or not, everybody gets headaches.
Age regardless. I am still seething.
>Yes, well.
Yesterday’s excitement was silly really, I mean – oh, you didn’t hear?
THE EUROPEAN COMMISSION WAS ON FIRE.
Well it was. There was smoke and any reputable paper will tell you all about it, complete with pictures. I rushed out to see if it was true and tripped over about a hundred fonctionnaires – quite an achievement, I think you’ll agree, while the Twat called VP Commissioner Margot Wallstrom’s Assistant to see if he and (more importantly, I think, knowing the way the Twat thinks), Margot, were out of the building.
“Eh, Quarsan? I can’t hear you properly as I think we are having a fire-drill.”
“No, you plonker, your fucking building is on fire.”
“Oh, is it? Better get out then.”
Such was the severity of yesterday’s fire. The thick, brown smoke made its way into our small office which happens to be below ground surface. And no, we do not work in a bunker, it’s just a temporary measure until next month. All I could see from looking at the sky were clouds of brown smoke, and there was a very sickly, sooty smell.
I told you that Brussels is exciting.
>
I’m back after an exciting week that involved early mornings, late nights, bicycles, fatigue and a couple of hiccups.
Last week was the week of a huge bicycle fair hosted this year in the fair city of Brussels. May is normally a fantastic month, weather-wise, but the clouds got together and made plans otherwise. But rain doesn’t stop a ‘proper’ cyclist from taking to the roads of Brussels as was proven last Tuesday when 700 Expo visitors cycled from the venue to Place Saint Cathérine. In the rain.
I opted to go home.
Thursday was hiccuped along. It started by Yours Truly cutting the tip of her finger with a pair of scissors and as it wouldn’t stop bleeding she wandered along to the Red Cross and asked for a plaster. God, those people must have been bored, and it was only 8.15 in the morning.
“O lala, Madame, c’est très deep. You definitely need a stitch and we can’t do that.”
“Eh?”
“Il faut aller à hospital.”
“Hospital?”
“Oui, come with me.”
So sitting in the front of the ambulance with the sirens going, feeling like quite the plonker you would feel if all you had done is cut your finger open, I was taken to ER. There, the nurse took one look and told me that I didn’t need a stitch, but “merci, madame, for not having called an ambulance for … that.” I sheepishly grinned and let her carry on, had a tetanus shot as I really can’t remember when I last had one and walked out with a finger wrapped from top to bottom in gauze.
And all I wanted was a plaster.
Later on that day the people attending one of the sub-plenary sessions in another part of the hall started leaving the room. Admittedly, there was a raging storm outside, but they did have speakers… and then I was told that it was raining in the cornered off part and the beamer had blown up.
The next thing that I knew was that rain was pouring in the area where I was in about four different areas and all the lights fused. The toilets, which were downstairs had to be closed as they were flooding and there was sewage floating outside. It was one of those rare freak storms that had parts of Brussels under almost a meter of water.
Strangely enough, there were 10 cycle tours arranged for that afternoon and every single one of them left, completely full. The lights and music came back on in the Expo hall after a bit and in the evening I took my finger out to the gala dinner at the Atrium in Brussels where the rain started to leak in through the ceiling there too, and I finally crashed at 3.30am.
I ache all over from lugging my laptop to and fro the Expo and there are parts of me that hurt from dancing to Madness. Well, that’s the only reason that I can think of.
But several baths and about 24 hours of sleep later, and I almost feel ready to take on another week.
But only because it’s a short week.
>
At the small park outside the Cathederal, there has been an interesting, and large exhibition. consisting of some wooden plinths and towers, it is to promote Brussels as a sustainable city.
I got this photo from high up in the Marquis building, that has just been renovated. A brave time to open a building to let. After the press stuff, we were sent to a gorgeous atrium where some of the world’s top wine producers were offering their wares.
We arrived at 11:30 and left at 6pm. And no, we didn’t spit. There were two real finds, a woman wine maker from Roussilon, who made fantastic wine at incredibly low prices The gorgeous ‘Impression’ white was 9 euros a bottle and truly remarkable. The red, was Also remarkable at 8 euro a bottle, bettering wines we tasted at six or seven times the price.
Another great find was the cognacs produced my Olivier Blanc, a man possessed by the quest to make the best cognacs.. Thr bio Attitude VSOP was a delight, (34 euro) a whole new sensation, akin to tasting your first single malt, something above and beyond any cognac we’re previously had. Then we went through increasingly aged cognac’s up to the 21 year old that was just sublime.
The Chateau Pichon Baron Longueville Pauliac was truly exceptional and well worth the 140 euros. The Prioato L’Ermita was a touch overpriced at 595 euros. Anyway, as you can see, we took our responsibilities seriously. All afternoon.
>
This is a statue of a poly-duo-decahedron or something on a horse. It’s deeply meaningful. Somehow. Anyway, this tosh is in the European Parliament where it frightens interns. There are two guards posted at its base at all times to stop people writing graffiti on it.
More interestingly, I went to a meeting of the Europeans Citizens Consultations, where a couple of thousand people debated what they would like the EU to do and 150 of them were brought to Brussels to discuss their proposals further and then debate them with senior parliamentarians.
Lets just say it brought out my inner Guy Fawkes. They blithered on, completely ignoring what any real person actually said. The most annoying was the President of the Europeans Greens who sat there with a smug grin, you know the grin, the one that says “punch me, punch me hard”.
The forum was one of Margot Wallstrom’s initiatives and she was so furious that people weren’t being listened to she gave me an exclusive interview yesterday morning, where she said exactly what she thought. Most refreshing.
We’ve made no progress on the tortoise shelter as Tony Downtheroad had a problem with his towbar. Madam is less than chuffed. I’ve stashed some emergency bivouac gear in the garden in the likelyhood that I’ll be spending more of my nights there.
In other news, I’m going to be contributing to a European Election Special for Radio Cumbria (Station motto: Putting the heard into Herdwick) on the morning of the 3rd June.
Today, I got given an urgent assignment by my editor. I’ve got to attend and report on a luxury Champagne tasting. From 10:30 to 6pm.
Darling, I might be slightly squiffy by the time I get home.
>
The Metro now has cameras so you can see the other end of the platform. I was looking into them when I noticed this chap at the front and thought “Bloody Hell, it’s the Duke of Edinburgh”.
He’d have great fun over here, calling the Flemmings Wallonians etc. There’s also much official foolishness for him to really explode with disgust. In fact, now evidence of his secret trips to Brussels is out in the open, it should be easier.
All we have to do now, is work out how he gets here? If you’ve seen an old man abusing Ryan Air cabin staff, look carefully, it might be Phil the Greek.
>
The most civilised way to travel. Brussels has many broad boulevards with tram lines going down the middle. Here, in Stockel, there was a special celebration to mark 100 years of trams.
To mark the occassion the 39 tram line was running a series of old trams, dating from the 1920′s to 50′s and all the drivers and conductors were in period costumes. Lots of fun.
Tortoise News
Herman had a good run round yesterday, even taking a new route up the side of the house and he discovered the world beyond. He’s pretty nippy and his training is doing him good. more concerned about his diet. He had some tomato, but only ate the gubbins in the middle and he didn’t seem at all impressed by rockette.
>
Herman’s proving to have an adventurous spirit. He spent part of today climbing on his welly and then stretching out, and finally trying to climb the bars of his cage. He manages to get this far but couldn’t get any purchase for his back legs which he frantically waved around till gravity got the better of him and he fell down.
And got stuck between the welly and the wall. I picked him out and he went and did the same thing again.
Then again, he mught have been doing some push ups as some sort of training.
>“Quarsan! My knickers have fallen downstairs – can you get them please?”
“What, you mean to say that you’ve dropped them lower than usual?”
And did he laugh…
>Within two days of coming home last Friday, Todd had broken every single ‘rule’ that we had decided upon.
I knew they were too easy to break and Todd did a good job of breaking them. Quarsan and I agreed with the Ex and PHT to the following:
- He can only go out once a week
- He has to return by 11.30pm
- He has to tell us where he is going plus the telephone number
- He has to have credit on his GSM
- He has to return at 6/7 o’clock (evenings) during the week.
That was about it and I agreed to it knowing full well that Todd would break the first rule as soon as possible.
After his stunt in Italy, we agreed that he was not allowed out the following weekend – where he happened to be chez-moi. And glory be! He broke that rule, naturellement. The first night that he was here he insulted me like I’d never been insulted before, but sticks and stones and all that stuff … I was nevertheless completely mortified. The following morning he was even worse but I put up a brave front because, hey, sistahs, we have to stick up for ourselves. Shit, I didn’t even shout.
And then he disappeared “to his dad’s house”.
Two hours later I received a text from Todd saying that he was “shopping with his girlfriend and would be home at 4.30pm.” I put my foot down there as we had bought his lunch (which he knew about) and had said was going to be here for his sausage sarnies. Except he wasn’t. I texted him to come home straight away – and he did! Yes! Todd came home. But he’d already eaten, so forget it.
As he came through the front door, Tatiana and I were leaving to get the shopping in, so I left Todd in the ‘responsible’ hands of the Twat to mow the lawn. Apparently they got on fine and the job got done. Afterwards, Todd and the Twat had a chat which was fairly successful, apparently, apart from the fact that Todd was texting throughout the chat.
The next thing that I knew was that Todd was telling me that he could now go out, especially as his girlfriend had invited him out for supper. No guesses as to what happened after that other than he had a badly-needed shower and suddenly I heard the door slam. He left.
And didn’t come back until around 2pm on the Sunday. I was alone upstairs, the girls were downstairs, Q was out. I still didn’t raise my voice although I was curious as to where my son had spent the night. I know he lied saying that he walked around from here to there to here to there … this coming from a young man who has to sleep with his bedroom door open and preferably with the landing light on.
Todd is scared of the dark.
I still have no idea as to where he spent the night.
Todd then started pushing me about, hurting me more psychologically than physically, but nonetheless, I was scared. So I called his father who said that he wasn’t in Brussels.
“Well if you don’t get the fuck here before our son hurts me one more time, I’ll call the Police.”
His dad, looking exhausted from Todd’s behaviour, running around after him and all the rest, finally turned up. We had a long chat although I don’t think that he believed that I hadn’t shouted at Todd, and then he had a while alone with Todd. Then we all spoke together, finally joined by Q who had been out taking photos. I was surprised as Q came out with some sage words of advice mentioning to Todd that as he had broken every single rule that we had laid down, didn’t he think that maybe the problem was his?
Dead silence.
Q: “Why don’t you ever answer your GSM?”
“Because the battery’s dead.”
“Oh yeah?”
“Yeah, Quarsan, look.”
Todd threw his GSM at Quarsan who then went and confiscated it, as Q and I had agreed upon that morning.
This made Todd flip. He screamed at his dad saying that “that bullshitter wanted to look at my GSM and has then taken it from me. HE HAS STOLEN MY GSM – THE BULLSHITTER!”
Todd then disappeared again and we talked about what we should do. Todd had told his father that he was going to stay at his mamy’s. His Mamy didn’t know about this, and considering that she is in her 70s and her husband is in his 80s, it would really be unfair to let Todd have his way. The Ex left saying that he’d contact us when he knew what on earth was happening – none of us knew.
.
..
…
….
End of long story:
I ended up crying my heart out – Todd is to spend the next 6+ weeks with his father.
I feel like that I have failed as a mother. [Blokes, if you don't get that, I understand - you're male. We women are difficult to please/understand/know. Nothing worth worrying about, but a shoulder of comfort works wonders - and always agree with us.]
I so agree with Bedblogger and all the other commenters who were along the same line as her. The trouble is, Todd’s dad is far too lenient.
They say that it’s cruel to be kind. I agree.
>I found this post from Waist High very touching.
I just think a mention of Spandau Ballet would have been most fitting though – for many reasons.
Thank you WH.
Best European Blog For Three Years Running -
Bloggies 2005, 2006 and 2007
Tell me I'm gorgeous. All you need to know about me, and more, if you ask.
About the Blog
This blog is mainly rants about my household, which has been described by a friend as a mixture of 'The Osbournes', 'Absolutely Fabulous' and 'My Family'.
People who have said this weren't smiling. Let's face it, it's bleeding obvious.
The household is made up of myself, Zoe, an oasis of calm, Coralie, a 21 year-old stroppy little cow, her twin sister, Tatiana, who bosses the Twat and me around and winds up their brother Todd, a seventeen-year old with the attention span of a goldfish.
I'm On Twitter
My Shopping Centre
You can buy my book by emailing me direct. It's made from recycled trees and no newts were harmed during the production. The Twat was. Much to my delight, mwahahahahaha ....
Spend, Spend, Spend at my gorgeous emporium - or shop for Merkins.
Spend more here. at my specially designed Euro Boutique.
MY FLICKR PHOTOS
Email Updates
Get a daily email of the latest activities of the twat in your inbox.
I won't tell a soul about your email address, just type it into the box thingy below.
Email Me
What's on in Belgium
Up Front Brussels
Expat Social Networking Website
PictureNose - Current movie reviews, movie news and movie gossip.
Together magazine
Non Twats
3limes -
A wonderful Expat blog brought to you from Uganda. Yes. Uganda.
(The) Aardvark Speaks -
Clever, funny, captivating.
AmberBamberBoo -
Life with 4 kids and Len.
Andy Ramblings -
A bit of this and a bit of that.
Anji Patchwork -
Family life in France.
Area Trace No Search -
A police-blog. It keeps me captivated and is well worth a read.
Bart -
Another Belgian. Another excellent blog.
Bibil -
She cooks, she's smart and she gets me talking French again.
Big n Juicy -
Random mumblings about random things in a random way.
Blaugustine -
Nathalie's cartoon alter ego.
Blogeois -
Once mistaken for Canadian Royalty - shocking!
Blog from Abroad -
New house, DIY, a dog, a husband, two toddlers and a baby. Oh, and Lisa, who can cook.
Blogzira -
Lucy versus Portugal. More fun than the World Cup - well, we'll see this year.
Brain Lint -
Ellen, RIP.
(The) Brussels Jungle -
Satire at it's best.
(The) Cartoonist -
Quirky sketches from a quirky guy.
Chase me Ladies ... -
I chased, I read, I laughed.
Daddy Papersurfer -
A bizarre blog by an old git - and just because he now has his own domain name, nothing changes.
Diamond Geezer -
Everything you need to know about London - and more.
DulwichMum -
An amazing blog; funny, sarcastic and very tongue-in-cheek. It needs dusting though.
Family Affairs and Other Matters -
A continuation of a blog plus a huge picture of her arse.
Foilwoman's Diary -
When the going gets tough the tough gets going ....
F:lux -
If he does it, she blogs it. Makes good reading, not to mention the photography.
[from fuck-up to] fab! -
Female, frazzled, very kind. I'd say bonkers, too.
Gemmak -
A biker girl with a soft heart.
Goat Food -
An excellent blog written by somebody really quite lovely.
Gordon McLean -
All round genius. I owe him a Lada.
Guyana-Gyal -
Stories from South America.
Homo Escapeons -
He's from Canada and manages to come out with more than science and kittehs. Give him five.
How to Learn Swedish in 1000 Difficult Lessons -
A gay couple coping with foreign languages.
Invader Stu -
An English bloke stuck in Holland, drawing great cartoons, getting married (sort of) and having accidents.
Inspector Gadget -
The first police-blog that made me realise just what else is out there. Incredible, fascinating - read the others.
John Strain -
Sense and sensibility with a touch of sparkle.
Jo in Japan -
Life and musings of an English teacher in Japan.
Jonny B's private secret diary -
Life. In Norfolk.
Kaliyuga Kronicles -
He claims to be witty, urbane and handsome. Trouble is, he's not.
Krimo's (cookery) Blog -
An interesting and funny insight into the cooking world. Full of humour, love and compassion.
Life is a Pig! -
Life after 70 and several beers.
Little.Red.Boat -
A simple blog that captures each moment perfectly. She also loves making lists.
Me and my big mouth -
Scott Pack's blog.
Mimi in New York -
A Brit in the US.
Mr. Nighttime -
Superb writing from a usual suspect.
Mommy has a Headache -
Sex, children and laughter. Why wasn't she here before?
Past Imperfect -
Pat's life. A treasure to read.
(The)Pissed Kitty -
Insanely funny.
Publog -
A bloke, a pint, a wheelchair and a great sense of humour.
Raised by Chaffinches -
He's flown back.
(The) Red Mist -
Only added seeing as he thinks my Wish List is naff. And he lives in Wales.
Ricardiblog -
A Canuck finally starts blogging. After 6 years of persuasion, and all he blogs about is science and cars??
Sablonneuse -
How does this woman live with what she puts up with - inspiration to us all.
Saltation -
A bloke who makes life sound funny.
Scaryduck -
A duck with a passion for Belgian buns.
Sim -
Sim's blog - powered by Girlpants and a small child.
Smaller than Life -
This blog makes my day complete.
The Mommy Blog -
A 21st Century Mom.
Tine -
Another Belgian, a great photographer.
Troubled Diva -
I love this blog which contains
the best photo of 2002.
Turquoise -
Lisa and Cameron back in Blighty, with yet another daughter.
Vallalar - In the Eye of the Beholder -
A photoblog from another lovely Belgian.
VeryVeryBored - The produce of someone who is incredibly bored.
Walls Come Tumbling Down -
Kenny. He's mad.
(The) Wrath of Dawn -
A Canuck. With a chainsaw.
AWOL Bloggers
A Free Man in Preston -
Oodles of laffs from t'up North.
Audi Olympics -
A screamingly funny blog from someone called Nigel.
Chez Milady -
The Slapper has disappeared again.
Counting Sheep -
There's more to counting sheep in this blog.
Daphne Wayne-Bough -
She's so classy, she's bonkers.
Goth of some sorts -
Based in Belgium, has Spanish roots and is originally from Wales. A Eurocrat, to be sure.
Honey Letting off Steam -
A family blog living in Wales which never fails to surprise, no matter what faces Honey.
It Always Rains in Wales -
Brought to you from Wales.
Joliet Jake -
He's absolutely off his head.
Mannekin Pics -
Daily photos of Brussels by Quarsan. An excellent photoblog.
Naked Blog -
Saucey, daring, and incredibly interesting.
Rachel North -
Incredible. Strength, wit, love and dedication make this a top blog.
My Trailer is Bigger than Your Trailer -
This blog reads to you. Accent and all. Highly amusing.
s e v i t z d o t c o m -
Great humour, lousy speling.
Quickos Daily News - An update on Quickos' exciting
life with the Twat !
Speaking as a Parent -
Well-written. A blog that I can understand.
That's the way Life is ... -
A lovely little blog all the way from the West East Coast.
Watski's World -
Whacky humour.
Flowers that I'd love to receive
T-Shirt Humor
The only T-Shirts that I'd ever buy are from T-Shirt Humor
Thanks To...
FeedBlitz - for the email update service.
Bravenet - for the guest map.
Andy - for being such a twat as to set all this up for me.
AND
Andy Hopkins for hosting and helping hugely to set this up.
Britblogs
Copyright
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial- NoDerivs 2.0 License.
Look At My Ring
« # Euro Blogs ? »
