"You hear laughter breaking through, it makes you want to fart. You’re heading for a breakdown, better pull yourself apart. " - John Cooper Clarke

>The kitchen is an amazing place.

>I’ve not been in there much as I gave up cooking ages ago. I tend to lean back with a glass of Bordeaux and delegate tasks to the poor minions dying of starvation under my very roof. You can’t really blame me as I have a bad back and a blister on my right foot. Nobody with a blister on their right foot should be expected to stand up and cook, for heaven’s sake – that would be immoral. The back is an outstanding problem: you want food from me? then accept the consequences afterwards.

Neither here nor there, I decided to try and remember a home-concocted recipe of mine to feed to my poor, unsuspecting visitor tonight. Back-ache? No. Well, not yet. Blister-ache? Err, no. Well, not yet. Neck-ache? FUCK, YES.

Chopping carrots into the little strips that I wanted them to be has brought on neck-ache. It’s not a life-threatening condition so I shall bravely live with it. And my John Terry lookalike, Famulus, will have to eat every.single.bit.of.it. Or else I will kill him. And he won’t be the first. I remember that he doesn’t like mushrooms, so the Twat and I will add those to our plates, because I remember that he really, really, hates mushrooms.

He has no idea on what he has missed out on.

Anyway, the kitchen is amazing.

It even has a table – where did that come from.


  1. Posted Friday, May 22, 2009 at 9:36 pm | Permalink

    A table? and a stock of Bordeaux hopefully, and glasses and chairs. What else could you ask for?
    A place to sit and watch others work, yes!

  2. Posted Friday, May 22, 2009 at 11:50 pm | Permalink

    How can someone hate mushrooms? I love mushrooms…
    I am sure he will be an appreciative guest and eat everything… given that he has to fend for himself in the kitchen or buy carry out.

  3. Posted Saturday, May 23, 2009 at 1:06 am | Permalink

    I ate everything, honest. And I’m still feeling fine. 🙂
    Actually, I shall give credit where it’s due, it was really good. 🙂
    Sorry, but the smell of mushrooms cooking is one of the few smells that I *really* don’t like. Can’t help it. It’s just that way…
    Night all.

  4. Posted Saturday, May 23, 2009 at 1:24 am | Permalink

    I love the smell of mushrooms sautéing in butter. I will eat them right out of the pan!
    Are you going to cook for them while you are there, Fammy? Can’t have Zoe aggravating her back and blister completely… to say nothing of the neck ache… just to keep you fed!

  5. Posted Saturday, May 23, 2009 at 3:01 pm | Permalink

    Your next book should obviously be a cook book: How To be a Domestic Drunk. People would buy it!

  6. Posted Saturday, May 23, 2009 at 5:07 pm | Permalink

    I’m not here to cook, I’m here to eat! And maybe drink a little…
    Oh and sit in the sun. And maybe watch films and play on the Wii…
    And (apparently) use up all of Zoe’s sun tan lotion… But we did buy her some after sun lotion when we went to the shop, so that makes it OK in my book… 🙂
    But now to chill. 🙂

  7. Posted Saturday, May 23, 2009 at 5:57 pm | Permalink

    I bet Q suffers from earache!

  8. Posted Saturday, May 23, 2009 at 6:25 pm | Permalink

    You must be from Dagenham. Dagenham girls won’t cook either. Thats why there are so many fish n chip shops and pie n mash cafes. Send your guest out to the local bar for some Moules et Frites.

  9. Dd
    Posted Saturday, May 23, 2009 at 8:54 pm | Permalink

    As you have found your amazing kitchen, here is a little treat for Q:
    …….runs away and hides 🙂

  10. Posted Sunday, May 24, 2009 at 6:43 am | Permalink

    I love the way you just get quietly on with things without making a fuss …… a real trooper.
    Oooo ….. I’ve just spotted the instruction under your piccy :
    “You’re gorgeous”

  11. Posted Monday, May 25, 2009 at 4:15 pm | Permalink

    I’m done with cooking but you’re too young.

  12. Posted Tuesday, May 26, 2009 at 12:12 am | Permalink

    I’ve only got a kitchen because it came with the house. I am thinking of converting it into a shed though.