"You hear laughter breaking through, it makes you want to fart. You’re heading for a breakdown, better pull yourself apart. " - John Cooper Clarke

Monthly Archives: July 2009

>Congratulations, Honey.

>Honey gave birth to beautiful little girl yesterday at 11.18am. Although Pema was born 10 weeks early it appears that apart from the necessary help with feeding and breathing, she is going to be a fighter if she is anything like her mother. If you read the bit at the top of the blog you will know why this baby is so special to Honey and her partner. No doubt Honey’s two other children are ecstatic about the arrival of their new sister too.

Honey looks radiant in the photo of her holding Pema – why not go and wish her your best. Or at least take a peep.

Welcome to the world, Pema.

>Fuck my life.

>Actually, apart from a bad bout of backache, the impending end of my contract, a headache that won’t shift despite the numerous different types of painkiller that I’ve taken, my life isn’t all that bad. Even That Rabbit in the living-room is bearable apart from when it tries to chew through the TV cables, although living with a twat does put pressure on my life.

Maybe you’ve heard about the popular website, FMyLife which has been turned into a book that makes fantastic toilet-reading, although not as great as mine, naturally, and is only available via moi, signed and everything.

“F My Life: It’s Funny, It’s True, Except When it Happens to You” is exactly what it says on the label and you can read excerpts of other people’s fuck-ups that will make your day seem relatively smooth-going. And what’s more, I have 2 copies to give away for FREE.

Yes, no money is involved AT ALL.

Oh. I have to pay for the postage. FML.

Does anybody want a copy?

Well, only 2 people can get a free copy from me, unfortunately not signed by the author – but it’s FREE.

How?

Have a look at the website and the 2 people who can come up with the funniest TRUE FML situations (witnesses are helpful, especially if Scaryduck tries to get a copy) should leave their comments here. Multiple situations are allowed if you happen to lead such an unlucky life.

And the winners will be announced on 1 August (this Saturday).

Or maybe next Monday.

>A Shed

>

Nope. Not mine, but doesn’t a shed grace any garden?

Anyway, Ma’am has commanded me to blog cos she’s forgotten how to do links, or something. Earlier today her father contacted her with the advice “You’d better get one of these, quick!”.

What was he talking about? A USB Wine Stick

Enjoy.

>Oh people, people.

>It appears that it is more important how your loo paper comes off than on which side your loo roll is. So tell me, all you wonderful people with toilet roles attached to the wall or door, does the loo paper come from off the top of the loo roll or from behind?

Personally, I prefer the latter as that enables you to tear off the paper easily with one hand while still reading and holding a book with the other. If the paper comes from over the top you end up with stupid amounts of loo paper if trying to use just the one hand.

So here we go.

>What to do on a Belgian National Holiday.

>I used to trundle along to watch the Royal family, Belgian soldiers strutting their stuff as the airplanes flew overhead with black, yellow and red smoke billowing out of the back of them every year, as all dutiful parents of young children do on these occasions. Activities that were as enticing as a soggy biscuit went on in the park in front of the palace, although we never really hung around there for long. I remember dropping the children – rather, daughters, as Todd never had to go through this boring ritual as far as I can recall – off at my in-laws and then heading back into town to watch the fireworks and make an evening of it. To be perfectly honest, I have a very clear picture of the last time that the Ex and I went because the metro-ride home, with what seemed to be the rest of Belgium, we were so sardined-in, involved the Ex putting his new video camera case on his head so as to allow room for me to fit in the carriage.

Not that I was fat – just that every bit of space counted. And I didn’t have my massive bosom back in those days, either.

Several years ago, four, to be precise, was the year when I decided that the Twat needed to learn a little more about Belgium and thus celebrate The National Day. I admit complete ignorance as to knowing that Belgium was also celebrating it’s 175th birthday which I am sure comes as no surprise, and so the Twat ended off dragging me to see the palace. We mis-timed the soldier bit and the planes but to be quite frank, apart from the colours coming out of the airplanes, one country is just like another.

But oh my god – The People.
So Many People.

It was fucking insane. There were never that many people when I used to go, back in the 1980s. Ever. All the roads were blocked, there were all sorts of shows going on – and not just in the park. It was even sunny – but hell. Sheer hell. I remarked on it here although the photo of me putting up the url to my blog is no longer there as the Twat appears to have lost a lot of photos :( My memory of that day was my limping to the nearest metro station to go straight home. I had been bumped into, knocked sideways, had my toes trodden on and was in such pain that the Twat was ready to get a taxi to get me to the nearest metro station, several meters away. I managed to get there on foot, with several stops and had a long soak in the bath at our final destination: Home.

The Twat wants to go again tomorrow.

Ummmm. One weather forecast predicts showers in the morning, the other, showers in the afternoon.

Will there be people? Lots of people? Will it be gorgeously sunny so that I can sit outside with a book? Or if it rains, shall I sit inside and watch The Wire?

Basically, it all depends on the weather.

And that is so Belge.

>Toilet roll research.

>I know that you are simply dying to know the results of this bit of very, very important bit of research.

Firstly, what on earth possessed me to take it up?

I was sitting on the loo and reached for the loo-paper which is normally on the right-hand side. It does happen to be nomadic, as akak wondered about and took into consideration before answering, and was no longer on the right-hand side.

Maybe I should mention here that I don’t, in either of my toilets, have a toilet roll fixed to the wall. They are, instead, on that ‘pole-thing’ that you can buy in shops to store about 4 rolls of loo paper, and for some reason, have always put to the right of the toilet.

What made me think about this research is the fact that my 3 children and I are all right-handed. My children have not been in the house for the past 2 weeks, so to find the loo-roll on top of Jeremy Clarkson’s book, ‘Born to be Riled’, to the left of the loo and not on the pole-thing only left me to conclude that the last person to use the toilet was Quarsan. Twat.

I have observed that in pub toilets, office toilets (the past 3 offices where I have worked, in fact), most friends, most restaurants and other toilets that I have used – the toilet roll is on the left.

Being right-handed, this does, actually, make it easier for me, but that may be out of practise more than anything. So I had to ask.

Loo rolls behind me are annoying; those on a shelf are fine – depending on the height of the shelf; those on the floor can be annoying, depending on the state of my back – but that’s a personal issue.

For me, as a right-handed person, I prefer the loo roll to be on the left-hand side, probably due to experience. But my research shows that:

More right-handed people have their loo rolls on the left than left-handed people do and appears to be the preferred place for the loo roll. This, however, was closely followed by loo rolls placed elsewhere, on shelves, the floor, the cistern behind – and in my case, on a pole.

I now have a PhD in toilet roll positioning and am available for advice.

There is a small fee though, depending on who you are.

>On a need to know basis:

>In your toilet at home:

which side of the toilet, when sitting down, is your toilet roll?

Did you put it there?

Does this side of the loo suit you?

Are you right or left-handed?

I’m doing some research, you see.

>Coralie

>Coralie, the first born of my twin daughters has always, ever since the beginning, been the leader. She is only 7 minutes older than her sister, Tatiana, but has to be the stroppiest, bossiest (well, give and take) and pickiest of the two.

This doesn’t mean that she’s bad at all, those are just some of her worser characteristics, some that I could do without, but we all have them.

Even Vicus.

Being the ‘leader’ of the two, when being the first-born, is inevitable from what I understand from all the research done on twins, regardless they be identical or non-identical twins, the latter applying to Coralie and Tatiana.

And Tatiana has had to put up with Coralie’s picky eating over the past 2 weeks as both girls have been home alone at their dad’s house, while he, Todd and PHT are on holiday in Auvergne.

I witnessed a scene of both girls arguing about what to eat for supper. Tatiana was quite rightly asking her sister to go shopping with her, but when Coralie denied, she asked what her sister would like for supper.

Salad? bluergh.
Chicken? ewwww.
Lamb? yuk.

And so it went on. This amused me greatly and there was only one thing to say to Tatiana:

“Welcome to my world.”

She smiled, and, being the stronger of the two girls, forced Coralie up and out to the supermarket. I must learn that tip as so far, it has never worked.

As far as I can tell, Coralie hasn’t really changed. She’s loving, stroppy, picky, adorable, friendly and very ‘brief’. Afterall, she was the one that landed me with That Bunny before I had a say in the matter. But there’s more on that later. That girl is bossy.

BUT.

A couple of weekends ago she went and volunteered to help clean-up after Couleur Café, a yearly festival that can feature some fantastic bands. The reason why they employ ‘volunteers’ is because the helpers get a free meal, as many drinks as needed (presumably soft drinks) and access to the 3-day festival. The shifts are usually only 3-4 hours long and so it’s an excellent opportunity to see new bands/new music from around the globe.

This sort of ‘thing’ is so unlike Coralie that I nearly passed out. Coralie, picking up pieces of paper? A music festival?

And of course, after the first night she complained about having to stand around helping people, regardless of the opportunity that she had had to watch bands play. But that’s the way she is.

The next thing that completely knocked me out was Coralie telling me that she was going out to some faraway part of Belgium for 4 days – to attend another music festival, that involved camping. Coralie telling me that she was going camping was similar to Posh Becks mentioning the same thing to me.

I needed reassurance that this was, infact, true.

“Hey, Tatiana, your sister says she’s going to a music festival.”
“That’s right – and I’m going for one day too.”
“Yes, but your sister is camping.”

Raise of eyebrows. “I know.”
“Isn’t this like Posh Becks Goes Camping?”

Snort.Snigger.

But Coralie enjoyed the weekend, it appears, so maybe she is changing, although not in character.

Meanwhile, I had to look after the Blasted Bunny.

>Things you find on the ‘net.

>Looking through my stats I saw that someone had come via MetaFilter due to this:

“oh god. please god, don’t let my girlfriend write a book based on her blog.

it’s like sebas’s link, but on steroids”
posted by quarsan at 12:47 AM on July 8, 2003

If only he’d known then.

>Herman’s run.

>Last week I went to buy some Busy Lizzies, or something, and stupidly asked the Twat to grab three while I searched for some industrial-strength weed killer. The greenhouses were huge so by the time that I met up with the Twat, a bag of turf and 3 different coloured Busy Lizzies I was in no mood to take them back and change them for 3 little pots of the same coloured plants. I doubt they will last till next year anyway, so Herman would have to make do.

The Twat planted them the other day as this wonderful rain that we have been having has stopped for a bit, leaving the ground in Herman’s run easy to dig into. Hermie appears to have loved this wet weather as the grass and weeds have sprouted up incredibly giving the mighty tortoise the impression that he could, possibly, be in a jungle. The fact that he can hide much more easily now has made me start watching him from my bedroom window with the help of my pair of binoculars, much to the amusement of the Twat.

Personally, I feel quite sad for Herman who must think he’s on acid as he moves under red coloured petals, through the bright green grass towards the fading purple lavender with several very brown sticks poking upwards and on towards some pinky-purple petals, followed by some light-pink petals and finally, his destination: his roof tile.

I gave him some water melon today as I have found out that he doesn’t like other melons, which he gobbled down. While feeding him I realised that he was soaking wet – probably because of the ground under the tile still being sodden, so have removed it for a bit. In retaliation, Herman went straight back to where he was before and went to sleep, tile or no tile. My tortoise has quite an attitude.

Dammit, I just checked to see Herman and I appear to have put the tile against his run and can no longer see him.

Off to move it because even binoculars can’t see through THAT.

>Oh NO! Crapitis again!

>Yes, I simply knew that you would all like to know about my bodily functions and it appears that I have severe crapitis.

Again.

But this time, it’s worse.

You really don’t want to know about what happened last night, but trust me, chickadees, it really wasn’t pleasant. I even slipped arse-first into the bath – just ask the Twat and he’ll tell you, as he looked aghast at my legs hanging over the edge of the bath, flip-flops still on my feet.

For example, just now, I felt the urge to go and sit on the throne, and decided to go straight away, in case of a past (and only) accident.

my goodness, I was right in doing so.

I reckon that I’ve just lost a kilo.

>Zoe Strikes Again

>

My beloved, whom I love deeply has taken to staring out of the bedroom window through binoculars. This is how she monitors Herman’s pen. It’s far too like a guard in a watchtower for comfort, but there you go.

Anyway, she was thinking about Herman

Z: We should find out what sex Herman is and get him another tortoise.

TT: (silence)

Z: Cos he’ll get lonely, it’s not very sociable to be on his own

TT: Well, in the wild, tortoises hunt in packs

Z: Do they really?

T: (stares blankly)

>Watermelon Time

>

Here’s Herman tucking into his latest favourite snack, a sliver of watermelon. He can eat a piece that is around 10% of his body mass in a few minutes. I’ve no idea where he puts it, unless the shell is largely hollow. Still he’s happy. He eats so fast he even nibbled my finger.

We’ve also aquired a rabbit. We’re bunnysitting for one of the girl’s friends, who has no idea of by darling beloved, whom I love deeply’s track record as a bunny burier. It just sits in its cage looking terrified. I think it’s picking up psychic vibes or something, or can sense the scent of bunny doom.

I went to an incredibly pointless debate in tha Parliament yesterday, one that just angered me. It was meant to be a debate between the candidates for President of the European Parliament.. Now, this could have been interesting as it was the only public debate on the presidency.

It was organised by European Voice, house paper to the EU and a lobbying firm, an unholy alliance between media and spinners.

Sadly, the debate was dead in the water before it started as Graham Watson (Liberal) withdrew from the race just before the meeting. This was a day after the EEP candidate (and future winner) Jerzy Buzek told the press Watson had withdrawn. Watson was running on a ‘no backroom deals’ platform and withdrew ‘to allow a joint candidate from the three main blocks. In other words, he bailed as he was joining a dodgy backroom deal. His reward? A committee to look into the causes of the financial crisis.

So the debate was between Buzek, who seemed rather rambling and disconnected and Eva-Britt Svensson (GUE) who did well but has no chance of winning at all.

It was a shameful display of all that is wrong with European politics. A travesty of a debate with other speakers not even pretending that it wasn’t a stitched up deal. No transparancy, no accountability.

>Meeting President Pottering

>

The European Parliament is an odd place. There’s a lot going on there. In recent weeks I’ve heard choirs, seen virtuoso pianists, met film directors and so on. This is when the place isn’t in session, when it is, it gets even more surreal.

Which brings us to today’s photo. My fellow hack, Cillian has heard a rumour that, deep withing the parliament, there was a cardboard cut out of the president of the parliament, Hans Gert Pottering that you could shake hands with. So we decided to look for it.

It was around lunch time and most people had gone off for lunch, which gave us the break we’d been looking for and thanks to the notoriously lax security we wandered through an unlocked office into the print rooms and wandered around unchallenged. We’d been looking around for a while when, all of a sudden, a pair of doors opened automatically and there he was!

Two of him. you can see the second in the left of the photo. So we took some photos and nobody seemed to care.

Now there are other life sized cardboard figures, there’s another one in the main lobby that may have been Monet or someone. Presumably, somewhere they’re all stored together. Imagine that, a room full of effigies of dodgy european politicians.

>Todd N° 5,378 (and still going)

>To be honest, this is not Todd’s fault, but as his mum it does touch me deep inside as he lies there, about 800kms (according to the Twat and his mate Google) away in Auvergne.

In hospital.

My son deserves an award for screwing up other people’s lives (albeit temporarily), weekends, days and now, holidays. Including his own. And this time it wasn’t even on purpose – it has to be said, that boy has talent.

PHT, my EX and Todd left for Auvergne at 4am on Saturday morning. Todd was sick during the entire journey and upon arrival had such a bad fever that instead of going to the gite and unpacking they headed for the nearest hospital where Todd was taken in with suspected meningitis. After several blood tests and a stab in his spine (a lumber thingy, I think) and 3 hours of analysis – on a Saturday, good heavens! – meningitis was ruled out so his dad decided to call me.

I’m glad that the Ex hadn’t called me earlier as although I am not one to panic, those 3 hours of waiting for the results must have been hell. I’m not sure what was wrong with him, dehydration – I suspect, but he was hooked up to a drip and spent 2 nights in hospital, bored out of his skull. I managed to speak to him a couple of times, although Todd was slow to answer the phone when I rang him directly at the hospital. He told me it was because he wasn’t sure whose ‘phone was ringing.

He was in a private room.

Todd was finally released last night, much to his dad’s surprise – and to Todd’s relief, no doubt.

I simply hope that the rest of the holiday goes well, that the boy behaves and finds some friends for the coming fortnight.

But really, my son is so talented.