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There have been a couple of posts about loo rolls recently and so when offered with this hand-made, pine loo roll from my mate Tony down the road I could only think of one thing: you, chickadees! Yes, you. I thought that maybe somebody would like to win this fine piece of wood-work for FREE although I won’t be sending one of my precious rolls of loo paper aswell, what with two daughters. It is amazing how much loo paper children can get through, especially girls. My mum actually limited me on how much I could use and now I understand why.
Mum, I hated you at the time, but you taught me a valuable lesson, not that my daughters will ever listen to me.
Anyway, back to the loo roll holder thing. Nothing is for free, obviously, but to win this unique piece of craftwork all you have to do is leave a joke in the comments and my mate Tony down the road will be the judge.
A hint: the filthier the better so Johng is in with a good chance.
Scarpers.
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three southern belles married to rich guys go out to lunch to compare notes. the first one brags her husband bought her a new cadillac, second one drools, third one says “that’s nice”. second one shows off her ten carat ring, first one drools, third one says “that’s nice”. after ten minutes the first two can’t stand it….what did your husband buy for you? third one says “my husband didn’t buy me nothing. he said i had to go to charm school.” what do you learn in charm school? “i learned to say “that’s nice” instead of “fuck you!”
If that lovely piece of natural timber is already stained from an unknown source, then… well… [cough] hahahahaa.
Cyalayta
Mal
“Hedgehogs. Why can’t they just share the hedge?”
Harrumph!
How very tempting …… *casts around for cleanest joke he knows and then decides to gracefully leave*
One zebra turns to another and says, why do I keep thinking its Tuesday?
Two men are fishing in a river when a funeral cortege passes over a nearby bridge. One of the fishermen removes his hat as the procession passes. The other angler remarks on his good manners at showing such respect. “Oh, it was the least I could do” replies the first man, ” we were married for tewnty-five years”!
A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan Bank, and says she wants to open a savings account. The accounts person asks her how much she would like to deposit to open the account and the little old lady says, “Three million dollars.”
The accounts person is startled, and says, “In what form?” and the little old lady says, “Cash. I’ve got it here in this bag…” and the accounts person looks and, sure enough, the lady has a big grocery bag just chock full of green stuff with big denominations.
This is a highly unusual event, and the accounts person excuses herself to get the president of the bank to handle this one. He arrives, and escorts the little old lady to his office to handle it personally.
Once in his office, he asks the little old lady where she got so much money.
She says, “Gambling.”
“Gambling?”, he says. “What sort of gambling?”
“Oh, I make bets with people on all sorts of things, and I usually win. For example, I’ve got $100,000 right here that says that by noon tomorrow your balls will be square, and I’ll even give you 4:1 odds. You got $25,000 you’d be willing to wager on that?”
The bank president is shocked at this sort of thing coming from a sweet little old lady, but he didn’t get to be the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank without knowing something about money. “I suppose I could come up with enough to cover that sort of wager, but I wouldn’t feel right taking it from you…there’s no way you can win a bet like that!”
The little old lady just shook the bag, and said, “I know what I’m doing…and I can afford to lose, though I’m not going to. Is it a bet?”
“Ok, have it your way”, said the president, and they shook hands on it.
“See you at 11:55 tomorrow morning”, said the little old lady, and with that she left.
Next morning at 11:55 the little old lady arrives with a younger man in a three-piece suit, and is escorted to the bank president’s office. The president is a nervous wreck, though a happy one. He’d gotten almost no sleep the night before, waking every few minutes to feel his balls to check for impending squareness, but nothing happened all night. He had checked hundreds of times that morning, but still nothing; perfectly normal.
When the little old lady arrived he started to relax, knowing he had won.
“Come in, please have a seat! Who might this gentleman be?” said the president.
“He’s my lawyer. For a bet of this size I want to have a witness. Any objections?”
“No, perfectly understandable”, said the president. “Well, it’s now noon, and I’m still unchanged, so I guess I win!” he said happily.
“Not so fast!” said the little old lady. “For a hundred grand I want to verify things personally! Please drop your pants.”
The bank president is a bit flustered, but agrees that in her position he’d want proof as well, so he drops his pants. The little old lady goes over to him and reaches out to feel the organs in question.
“Ok, you win, here’s your $100,000,” says the little old lady, handing over a bag of bills. As she does so, her lawyer starts banging his head against the wall and moaning.
“What’s wrong with him?” asks the bank president.
“Oh, he’s just upset. Poor loser if you ask me. You see, I had a bet for $1,000,000 with him that I would have the President of the Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls by noon today.”
The pigeons in Leicester Square invited the pigeons in Green Park to tea.
At 4pm there was no sign of them. At 5pm not a flutter. Finally they showed up at 6pm.
‘Where were you?’
‘Well it was such a lovely day we thought we’d walk.’
Ba Boom!
Holmes and Watson are camping.
Holmes says, “Watson, look at all those stars up there in the heavens. What do they mean to you?”
Watson says “Well, scientifically they suggest that there are thousands of worlds. Philosophically on each one of those worlds there may be alien Holmes and Watsons asking themselves the same question. Biologically I am reminded that we are made of stardust and in each star is being made the components of further life. Religiously I marvel at God’s glorious creation and at how small a part of it I am. Meteorologically it’s a beautiful night.”
“Watson” says Holmes. “You are an idiot.”
“Why? What do the stars tell you, Holmes?” says Watson.
“They tell me” says Holmes “that someone has stolen our tent”.
Israel – Jerusalem: wailing wall / Western Wall
A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been
going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long,
long time.
So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he
was, walking slowly up to the holy site.
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to
leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an
interview.
ÂPardon me, sir, IÂm Rebecca Smith from CNN. WhatÂs your name?
ÂMorris Fishbien, he replied.
ÂSir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?Â
ÂFor about 60 years.Â
Â60 years! ThatÂs amazing! What do you pray for?Â
ÂI pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims.Â
ÂI pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. Â
ÂI pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults,
and to love their fellow man.Â
ÂHow do you feel after doing this for 60 years?Â
ÂLike IÂm talking to a f……..g brick wall!”
I’m awfully crap at remembering jokes so here’s an old one a friend sent to me yesterday:
After their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was
enough, as the social security people wouldn’t buy them a bigger bed
and they weren’t strong enough to nick one. So, the husband went to his
doctor and told him that he and his wife didn’t want to have any more
children.
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that
would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative
was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then
hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Scouser said to the doctor, ‘I may not be the smartest guy in the
world, but I don’t see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my
ear is going to help me.’ ‘Trust me, it will do the job’, said the
doctor.
So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held
the can up to his ear and began to count: ’1, 2, 3, 4, 5,’ at which
point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and carried on counting on his other hand…
This procedure also works in Birmingham, most of Essex, Sunderland,
Hastings, Aberdeen and anywhere in Wales.
That looks like one of them continental bog rolls on that so our proud British Andrex isn’t going to fit. You can donate my prize to charity
See blog! Do I win?
After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn’t in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.
He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach.
He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continuted in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and started to watch the TV.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, “That was wonderful, Why did you stop?”
He said, “I found the remote”.
Johng, the joke was supposed to be left HERE. Oh dear. Some men….
(ie: no, it doesn’t count.)
John G is the joke!
Now, now, Wendy, that’s no way to talk about my friend. You’re still not too big to get a slapped leg!
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in
an animated conversation.
The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention
is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
“Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come
once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and
pee twice.Den I come one lasta time.”
“You foul-mouthed swine,” retorted lady indignantly. “In this country
we don’t talk about our sex lives in public!”
“Hey, coola down lady,” said the man. “Who talkin’ abouta sexa? I’m a
justa tellin’ my frienda how to spella”‘Mississippi’”.
A couple of nuns are riding into town on their pushbikes. one turns to the other and says,
“how wonderful, I’ve never come this way before”
to which the other replies,
“yes I know, it’s the cobbles that do it”.
I’ll get me coat…