"You hear laughter breaking through, it makes you want to fart. You’re heading for a breakdown, better pull yourself apart. " - John Cooper Clarke

>Feeling like Marie-Antoinette on morphine.

>I have really, really hurt my back; so much so that this time I have resorted to settling myself into my Sexy Little Number (SLN), aka my back brace, for a while each evening as painkillers are just not doing the trick. I had quite forgotten just how uncomfortable this bit of apparatus is and just what it does do your boobs. If all women wore them, push-up bras would no longer exist, the hour-glass figure would be the mould-de-rigeur and either food would go out of fashion or blokes would be several hundred kilos heavier.

The fact that it is humid and heavy really doesn’t help either, and I’m sweating like a pig under my t-shirt and SLN all for the sake of a little comfort during the night and early morning.

Until I sit down at work, that is. Sitting is so painful that I appear to have made going to the toilet a rather frequent exercise. And I am pretty sure that my colleague suspects that I’m pregnant.

Wherever you are today, Q, trust me, I Am Not.

I am so glad that in this day and age we can more or less get away with wearing what we want, unlike Marie Antoinette, because I would not have lasted five minutes in a whale-bone corset all in the name of fashion. Mind you, I am pretty sure that they were far more comfortable than this bright yellow foam and plastic contraption that is currently strapped around me tightly thanks to the vast amount of velcro involved in the brace.

I’ve not often spoken to Marie, but she is a bit of a cold bird and when she speaks it is almost as if she is somewhat detached and her mind is always elsewhere making her come across as somewhat aloof. I would definitely blame her SLN for bringing about this demeanor although she really should change her perfume. She stinks.

I’ve just had a stretch and a look in the mirror: I was far thinner than I am now when this brace was fitted.

Maybe I should just live in it then.