September – 2009 – My Boyfriend Is A Twat

Monthly Archives: September 2009

>Herman needs a gas mask.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009 – 8:00 am

>Burton very kindly asked after Herman yesterday, and quite rightly so. The poor reptile is being brought inside more and more, much to his distaste, especially as my window frames are being varnished as I type. I can tell that he doesn’t like the smell any more than I do as he tends to stay in his welly most of the time. And with October approaching in the coming two days I think that my pet who carries his house around with him will eventually stay indoors, night and day. Herman doesn’t eat much when in the house, although he does love a wander around the coffee table, something that the Twat thought to be a good idea. At least Herman hasn’t peed or shat on the table.

Yet.

I’m actually quite troubled about bringing Herman indoors and absolutely terrified about hibernation. This will be my first time and although it looks all-so-easy on Blue Peter, there are several facts that they mentioned that are WRONG. Oh yes, Blue Peter got it wrong.

And how do I know this?

Via the World Wide Web.

You shouldn’t put your tortoise in straw as that can attract spores or something; the best bet is shredded paper. Whodathunk? Not me. Blue Peter was the gospel as far as I was concerned. Well, for a while. And did they ever mention starving off tortoises before hibernation? Or even weighing them during hibernation in case they happen to have lost weight? And ohmygod if your tort has peed during it’s time in a box which is now put into the crisper of your fridge, thanks to Global Warming, then get the reptile out. Quick. Shove it in a luke-warm bath as the poor creature is dehydrating.

Yes, dehydrating – Do.You.Hear.Me?

Well, according to the World Wide Web it is.

So Herman needs a doctor. Very, very soon. In fact, he needs one NOW.

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By Zoe | Posted in Herman, hibernation | Comments (26)

>Of Hedgehogs and Men

Monday, September 28, 2009 – 8:24 am

>So. My beloved, whom I love deeply and I were walking to the tramstop where she saw a clump of something between the tracks. “Oh look, it’s a hedgehog!” she said, so I went over and had a look.

“Is it a hedgehog” she asked.

I gave it a huge kick down the track as I replies, “Yes”.

“Is it alive?”

I gave it another boot down the track. “Yes”.

Then I looked at her and saw that she didn’t appear to see that I was kicking a live hedgehog down the tramlines. I couldn’t keep it up and started to laugh. “No, it’s not a hedgehog, it’s just a bit of tree root”.

This is how we pass the time, waiting for a tram.

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By Zoe | Posted in 1 | Comments (8)

>Power tools are such fun.

Thursday, September 24, 2009 – 8:00 am

>A friend of ours’ lent us his chainsaw yesterday as I was getting pretty cranky about two trees in my garden that should have been pruned 3 years ago, but as that never happened they just got taller and taller, blocking out the evening sun.

I’d already spent another hour at the dump with another carload of rubbish, mainly from the garage, although there was the odd coat thrown in and various little items from other rooms in the house, kindly aided by our chainsaw man. I’m sure the neon lights would have worked but I wasn’t sure how to attach them to the garage ceiling so they went to, meaning that I spent an hour lugging things here and there and throwing them into the respective containers. Chainsaw man and I went shopping afterwards and the first thing I bought were bum wipes as our hands were filthy. The garage is looking better and better though and the Twat keeps going in it simply to look at its gorgeousness.

Just before 5pm the Twat came home and decided to lob the trees there and then. The tree trunks aren’t very thick so within a couple of hours both trees were down and despite my back killing me after this weeks’ visit to the dump, I helped clear away some of the branches. What is left in the garden can wait another day as I’m not going out now. I hurt.

At one point I found myself alone in the garden as the Twat carried away branches and chucked them over the fence. The chainsaw was on the ground looking very lonely and I could see a huge branch that needed bits cut off it. So I fired up the machine knowing full well that the Twat would never approach me if I had the chainsaw running and started making the heavier branches lighter.

Such fun! I now know what I’d like for Christmas and can see a future career as a tree surgeon. Heaven knows I need a job so if you have a tree that needs felling, do contact me and I’ll do it. I don’t guarantee that it won’t only be your tree that’s felled, but at least I’ll do it. I now want to play with a drill – I have several pictures to put up.

One tip if you happen to use a chainsaw:

Don’t wear your work clothes. The grease drips off the chain.

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By Zoe | Posted in Chainsaws, de-cluttering. | Comments (19)

>That Rabbit.

Monday, September 21, 2009 – 8:00 am

>That horrible little creature has finally gone after 2 1/2 months of chewing my TV cables, eating my furniture and any paper that it could find. It also had a tendency to eat it’s cage very noisily and when it wasn’t being pampered would go ballistic and run around as if there was no tomorrow.

To be honest, keeping a rabbit in a cage in a small apartment is cruel. If I should ever own a bunny again it would spend the summer months outside in a long run, but I don’t have a very good history with rabbits, apart from Pan-pan, or Thumper, as I called it – or Muffin, as Todd called it. I have three buried behind my pond – one belonged to my neighbours but I offered my little pet cemetery as a place to put their long-eared one to rest, which they did. Other pets in our little cemetery are a hamster, a newt and a hedgehog, although you can’t really call the last two pets. They’re animals of which I am particularly fond.

So Thumper was picked up by Coralie driving her Mamy’s car. Alone. She had no idea as to how to get to her friend’s place, but given some rough directions by me she managed to get there without damaging the car, herself or scaring the living daylights out of Thumper. He is now back in his tiny apartment, let loose to run around whenever he wants. I’m surprised that the animal survived the verbal abuse and hissing but it shall make him grow into a stronger bunny, I’m sure.

I now want some money for having fed the horrible thing – and for having put up with it. Coralie’s friend has no idea how lucky she is to have Thumper home.

Alive.

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By Zoe | Posted in That Rabbit | Comments (11)

>Oooops. Big oooops.

Sunday, September 20, 2009 – 7:17 pm

>Last Tuesday (15th) was our eighth anniversary, and although I did remember it because the Twat was supposed to pick up two pairs of my jeans that had been hemmed, I only mentioned the picking up of my jeans on my calendar. Not the anniversary as I thought that being the multi-tasker that I am, I’d remember.

But I didn’t.

Today, I thought our anniversary was tomorrow, and asked what the Twat was going to do, as it’s usually me that takes him out, buys a present or whatever, as I have always been the one to earn more. This doesn’t mean that the Twat has never given me anything – he has. Often. But he’s out of pocket this year so it’ll be dinner at home as per usual – but hopefully, I’ll get something special. Like magret de canard [duck pieces from somewhere] or something.

Having just got rid of that huge freezer (god, I hope it still works) allowing us so much more space in the garage means a lot, so I’ll thank the Twat for signing up to Freecycle and having got ridden of the damn thing within 5 minutes.

He’s quite a mover on a good day, you know.

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By Zoe | Posted in Anniversary, Twat | Comments (13)

>Feeling listless and bored?

Wednesday, September 16, 2009 – 8:00 am

>Then buy my book, read my blog, come and visit me or…. read this. Oh yes.

None other than our Mike at Troubled-hyphen-Diva is going to be on The Fourth Plinth in Trafalgar Square, the one that hasn’t got anything on it. It’s all part of a project started by Antony Gormley, of which most of you will know about but for those who don’t, here’s what.

Read the ‘about’ bit and if you cannot be in Trafalgar Square at 6pm on Thursday, 17 September (ie: tomorrow) then find yeself a computer with internet access and watch our young Michael dance away an hour of his life. Go to his blog for the dance-list so that you can feel equally silly dancing in front of your computer along with Mike.

This isn’t for charity, I’m not really advertising something – I’m supporting Mike.

Now why don’t you?

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By Zoe | Posted in plinth, Troubled-Diva | Comments (11)

>The Brick.

Monday, September 14, 2009 – 6:36 pm

It’s big. It’s huge. And it’s very, very annoying.

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By Zoe | Posted in new phone, Twat | Comments (12)

>My Boyfriend is a Twat

Monday, September 14, 2009 – 9:20 am

>The Twat was given this huge-arse mobile phone at work as the owner had sensibly purchased himself something far more discrete. Oh lucky Q, some may think, but no, it doesn’t work like that. This phone is the size of a fucking brick and the Twat can use it for emails, surfing the web and just about everything except take photos, which is the only good thing about it as Q tends to take pictures of me in the most uncompromising situations possible. Or record my gentle snoring.

The Twat has put on just about every setting possible. The phone makes a wibbly sound twice a day at 7 o’clock to let us know the weather forecast. I usually know via the internet and from looking outside so this is a useless application. Instead of using his computer to send emails, he now sits downstairs and spends three times as long typing one out on his brick. We can be sitting having a conversation together, which, although rare and far between, does actually happen until WIBBLE! – an email has come in which requires the Twat’s undivided attention.

Once the email has been read and replied to, the Twat carries on surfing the internet as if I simply don’t exist. Perhaps I don’t. Pinch me and I’ll know.

And of all the stupid, insane and totally useless applications ever, the Twat has downloaded Google Latitude. Why, I mean WHY in the name of god do people want others to know where they are?

“It’s so that you can stalk me, hon.”

That man is a genius twat.

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By Zoe | Posted in My boyfriend is a twat, new phone | Comments (6)

>HE’S BACK!

Sunday, September 13, 2009 – 10:24 am

>Oh yes, the most accident-prone man in Europe is back with more stories to tell about his illegal status in Holland for the past 8 years, his visits to A&E that are so regular that the nurses now call him by his first name and remember that his Dutch is not that great – so let’s give a round of applause to

Invader Stu!

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By Zoe | Posted in Invader Stu | Comments (3)

>The Twat’s Quote of the Day.

Thursday, September 10, 2009 – 6:44 am

>As we settled down to watch England beat the crap out of Croatia last night I commented on the size of the Croatian team before they belted out their national anthem.

“Oh, they’re short, aren’t they?”
“No, those are the kids, hon – the players are behind them.”

I removed the Twat’s hand from my knee and sighed.

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By Zoe | Posted in TQOTD | Comments (6)

>You Only Live Twice.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009 – 8:09 am

>The other day I did something that I swore that I would never, ever do: go into Todd’s bedroom and pick up his pants and socks.

Entering Todd’s room is more of a health hazard and picking up his dirty underwear breaches all the EU Health and Safety Regulations that have so carefully been put together over the past years. As a rule, I will not do more than go into Todd’s room, open his window and then shut the door for fear of the stench of sweaty feet mixed with excess use of heavy deodorant and after shave wafting through the rest of the house.

The reason for clearing away the mess was simple. The Ex had told me that each week that Todd returns here from his new school, I am to count the number of pairs of socks and boxer shorts that he brings back, wash them and give them to Todd for the next week. My idea of buying underwear with the day of the week written on each pair was not taken seriously, although it would make life all that much easier, not that I can see Todd actually wearing such under garments, but my reason was to help the boy organise himself.

So I spent quite some time picking up socks and boxer shorts from various parts of Todd’s bedroom and managed to fill the washing machine with my findings. When I hung them up the following day I was shocked to learn that 13 pairs of shorts, 8 pairs of socks and 23 odd socks – most of which belonged to the girls – had been lying in Todd’s bedroom for as long as I can remember. Or maybe they had been breeding.

Seeing as I really don’t fancy going back into Todd’s room I have decided to keep his underwear in my cupboard and hand out 7 pairs of each to Todd this coming Sunday. I mean, Christ only knows what else I may find in his room should I return, so I prefer to stay on this side of his bedroom door.

The Ex hasn’t taken into account that washing machines are greedy buggers and never return the same amount of socks that you put into them. I think, just for fun or sheer insanity, I’m going to keep count of how many socks get eaten each time Todd comes home. I’ll then enter my figures into some sort of elaborate Excel sheet, send it to Miele and demand a refund.

I’ll call it ‘Cash for Socks’.

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By Zoe | Posted in Todd, underwear | Comments (11)

>Driving Miss Daisy.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009 – 8:00 am

>I had an unexpected visit from Coralie last Friday as she made her first solo trip in a car. Her Dad’s car, to be precise, but it’s a Skoda, so that’s OK. I hadn’t realised that she had come alone to collect her things for the coming week and when she asked me if I’d like to go for a drive it dawned on me that wow, my daughter had made her first voyage in a car completely alone.

“A drive in the car? Now?”
“Yes, Mama – where shall we go?”
“But does your Dad know?”
“Yes, yes, I asked him. Come on.”

I grabbed my keys and called the Twat.

“Where are you?”
“Waiting for the tram.”
“Forget it. Stand there. Do not get on a tram.”
“Alright.”

Coralie and I jumped in the car and I beamed proudly to everyone we passed as if they should know me and that my daughter was taking me for a spin. It’s all rather stupid really, Coralie has passed her driving licence and can now drive me around if she can borrow her Dad’s car. I think it’s the fact that Coralie has learnt to do something that I can’t do, will probably never bother doing as owning a car is out of the question and she is one more step away from me towards freedom and life as an adult, something that I am still trying to achieve. But really, with my daughters around to look after me why bother growing up?

Coralie kept asking me what I thought of her driving – very good, of course – but the real test will be with the Twat in the car as he can drive too. The funny thing about watching Coralie drive is the fact that she is right up against the steering wheel and a little too close should she have an accident. Hopefully, with practise, she’ll ease the seat back a bit. She’s not that short.

We picked up the Twat who sat in the back and was actually quite useful as Coralie headed towards a one-way road and quickly swerved when the Twat pointed out that she couldn’t go up it. I knew she had a problem with sign-posts but that was a close call. Safely delivered home, Coralie backed into my drive-way badly and ended up with most of the car on my front lawn before setting off with a cheery wave.

I’m beginning to worry about the state of my lawn, but as long as my daughters don’t drive into my lamp in front of the house, I don’t mind too much. It’s obviously been hit by other drivers judging by the way it leans slightly to the right.

One more bump and it may keel over entirely.

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By Zoe | Posted in Coralie, driving | Comments (8)

>Taking Todd away.

Monday, September 7, 2009 – 8:00 am

>Last Thursday evening, my Ex and I drove Todd to spend a night at his boarding facility in Wavre. It’s a huge place that houses children aged between 6-18, and who all appear to attend different schools around the area. After we had checked Todd in we were shown to his room. It was exactly that: a room with a bed, cupboard, desk and basin, so I quickly unpacked his bag to try and at least make it look like ‘his’ room by spreading some of his belongings around, although as Todd was only spending a night there most of the stuff went straight into his cupboard.

Todd’s dad had thoughtfully given him a notebook in which to write things down that Todd would need as he went along, starting off with replacing the light bulbs on the walls with frosted ones as the glare from the ones already there was strong enough to do some serious damage to your eyes. (Only my Ex would think of something like that first.)

I’d read some of the rules and hopefully the discipline, which appears to be pretty strict, will change Todd and help him become a more organised person as well as more respectful of others.

The Ex, ever in a rush to get back to PHT who is so incredibly jealous of any time that the Ex spends with me, regardless that it may just happen to be related to one of our children wanted to leave. I don’t remember my first day at boarding school, thankfully, but Todd had become very silent, something he does when he’s sad. Leaving your child for the first time, even at the age of 16, in a totally new environment and surrounded by faces that he had never seen before was difficult and the temptation to call him that evening was so strong that I almost asked one of my daughters to hide my phone.

He came home on Friday evening after seeing which class he was in and was delighted to brag that his entire class is made up of rockers. He seemed fine and has made a couple of friends, including an Emo, which is very cool.

Apparently.

So he’s charged up with his guitar, a poster that I don’t want, a week’s supply of clothes and other bits and bobs to make his room more ‘Todd-like’ and personal. I think Todd is going to enjoy his new school, but leaving alone at the boarding facility for the first time was horrible and absolutely gut-wrenching.

At least it’s been done now.

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By Zoe | Posted in Todd's new school | Comments (12)

>And we have a winner!

Friday, September 4, 2009 – 6:11 am

>Astropoppet has won the unique and one-and-only loo roll holder with his or her joke about spelling Mississippi, judged by my mate Tony down the road. This valuable piece of wood will make it’s way to Astropoppet’s house as soon as I am emailed an address to send it to.

Congratulations, and use it often.

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By Zoe | Posted in loo roll holder | Comments (13)