"You hear laughter breaking through, it makes you want to fart. You’re heading for a breakdown, better pull yourself apart. " - John Cooper Clarke

>Driving Miss Daisy.

>I had an unexpected visit from Coralie last Friday as she made her first solo trip in a car. Her Dad’s car, to be precise, but it’s a Skoda, so that’s OK. I hadn’t realised that she had come alone to collect her things for the coming week and when she asked me if I’d like to go for a drive it dawned on me that wow, my daughter had made her first voyage in a car completely alone.

“A drive in the car? Now?”
“Yes, Mama – where shall we go?”
“But does your Dad know?”
“Yes, yes, I asked him. Come on.”

I grabbed my keys and called the Twat.

“Where are you?”
“Waiting for the tram.”
“Forget it. Stand there. Do not get on a tram.”

Coralie and I jumped in the car and I beamed proudly to everyone we passed as if they should know me and that my daughter was taking me for a spin. It’s all rather stupid really, Coralie has passed her driving licence and can now drive me around if she can borrow her Dad’s car. I think it’s the fact that Coralie has learnt to do something that I can’t do, will probably never bother doing as owning a car is out of the question and she is one more step away from me towards freedom and life as an adult, something that I am still trying to achieve. But really, with my daughters around to look after me why bother growing up?

Coralie kept asking me what I thought of her driving – very good, of course – but the real test will be with the Twat in the car as he can drive too. The funny thing about watching Coralie drive is the fact that she is right up against the steering wheel and a little too close should she have an accident. Hopefully, with practise, she’ll ease the seat back a bit. She’s not that short.

We picked up the Twat who sat in the back and was actually quite useful as Coralie headed towards a one-way road and quickly swerved when the Twat pointed out that she couldn’t go up it. I knew she had a problem with sign-posts but that was a close call. Safely delivered home, Coralie backed into my drive-way badly and ended up with most of the car on my front lawn before setting off with a cheery wave.

I’m beginning to worry about the state of my lawn, but as long as my daughters don’t drive into my lamp in front of the house, I don’t mind too much. It’s obviously been hit by other drivers judging by the way it leans slightly to the right.

One more bump and it may keel over entirely.