"You hear laughter breaking through, it makes you want to fart. You’re heading for a breakdown, better pull yourself apart. " - John Cooper Clarke

>Herman needs a gas mask.

>Burton very kindly asked after Herman yesterday, and quite rightly so. The poor reptile is being brought inside more and more, much to his distaste, especially as my window frames are being varnished as I type. I can tell that he doesn’t like the smell any more than I do as he tends to stay in his welly most of the time. And with October approaching in the coming two days I think that my pet who carries his house around with him will eventually stay indoors, night and day. Herman doesn’t eat much when in the house, although he does love a wander around the coffee table, something that the Twat thought to be a good idea. At least Herman hasn’t peed or shat on the table.


I’m actually quite troubled about bringing Herman indoors and absolutely terrified about hibernation. This will be my first time and although it looks all-so-easy on Blue Peter, there are several facts that they mentioned that are WRONG. Oh yes, Blue Peter got it wrong.

And how do I know this?

Via the World Wide Web.

You shouldn’t put your tortoise in straw as that can attract spores or something; the best bet is shredded paper. Whodathunk? Not me. Blue Peter was the gospel as far as I was concerned. Well, for a while. And did they ever mention starving off tortoises before hibernation? Or even weighing them during hibernation in case they happen to have lost weight? And ohmygod if your tort has peed during it’s time in a box which is now put into the crisper of your fridge, thanks to Global Warming, then get the reptile out. Quick. Shove it in a luke-warm bath as the poor creature is dehydrating.

Yes, dehydrating – Do.You.Hear.Me?

Well, according to the World Wide Web it is.

So Herman needs a doctor. Very, very soon. In fact, he needs one NOW.