"You hear laughter breaking through, it makes you want to fart. You’re heading for a breakdown, better pull yourself apart. " - John Cooper Clarke

>Power tools are such fun.

>A friend of ours’ lent us his chainsaw yesterday as I was getting pretty cranky about two trees in my garden that should have been pruned 3 years ago, but as that never happened they just got taller and taller, blocking out the evening sun.

I’d already spent another hour at the dump with another carload of rubbish, mainly from the garage, although there was the odd coat thrown in and various little items from other rooms in the house, kindly aided by our chainsaw man. I’m sure the neon lights would have worked but I wasn’t sure how to attach them to the garage ceiling so they went to, meaning that I spent an hour lugging things here and there and throwing them into the respective containers. Chainsaw man and I went shopping afterwards and the first thing I bought were bum wipes as our hands were filthy. The garage is looking better and better though and the Twat keeps going in it simply to look at its gorgeousness.

Just before 5pm the Twat came home and decided to lob the trees there and then. The tree trunks aren’t very thick so within a couple of hours both trees were down and despite my back killing me after this weeks’ visit to the dump, I helped clear away some of the branches. What is left in the garden can wait another day as I’m not going out now. I hurt.

At one point I found myself alone in the garden as the Twat carried away branches and chucked them over the fence. The chainsaw was on the ground looking very lonely and I could see a huge branch that needed bits cut off it. So I fired up the machine knowing full well that the Twat would never approach me if I had the chainsaw running and started making the heavier branches lighter.

Such fun! I now know what I’d like for Christmas and can see a future career as a tree surgeon. Heaven knows I need a job so if you have a tree that needs felling, do contact me and I’ll do it. I don’t guarantee that it won’t only be your tree that’s felled, but at least I’ll do it. I now want to play with a drill – I have several pictures to put up.

One tip if you happen to use a chainsaw:

Don’t wear your work clothes. The grease drips off the chain.