"You hear laughter breaking through, it makes you want to fart. You’re heading for a breakdown, better pull yourself apart. " - John Cooper Clarke

Monthly Archives: October 2009

>Hallowe’en 2009

Saturday, October 31, 2009 – 7:41 pm

>This morning I actually remembered to buy some sweets for all those adorable little Belgian kids who pop around at this time of year. Not that they, for one second, understand what the ‘Trick or Treat’ tradition is all about as proven one year when a couple of young children turned up on my doorstep a day early so I told them to get packing and come back the following day. Strangely enough, they never did. Sometimes I ask the ‘Trick-or-Treaters’ to sing me a song in return for a treat, but they haven’t seemed to have grasped that one yet and so left empty-handed.

Yet I am still sitting here wearing my bat-on-springs hair-band hoping that some little cherub will pop by. As it is something of my childhood (not that I can actually remember dressing up and going out, but the pumpkin-carving was very important – and it happens to be my youngest brother’s birthday today too – Hello Rob!) that I taught my own children about it all and enjoyed many a year getting disguised as witches or whatever, and accompanying them around the nearby streets.

This year, Tatiana is off for a night of home-made food and scary DVDs with her friends. As she had a hockey match beforehand, I helped her and made some pastry decorations, such as a pumpkin, witch, broom etc. I have no idea where her sister is and her brother is due home in 3 minutes….

I miss sharing this evening with my children, but I know I would only embarrass them as that is what parents do best, it appears.

It’s nearly 8pm and no one has popped by.

I really am not that scary. Oh no.

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By Zoe | Posted in Hallowe'en 09 | Comments (14)

>That second interview.

Thursday, October 29, 2009 – 10:01 am

>After having typed up an invitation letter that only made sense to me, I then told the HR woman that I spell organise with an ‘s’, not a ‘z’, so that will appear as a typo as well as the fact that ASEAN should be entirely in block capitals, not just the ‘A’, I went on to dig even further.

My face must have looked blurred and my eyes glazed over as I was asked questions about how I thought I would work at the organisation, and what functions would I perform. Apart from re-read the job specs back to them I tried to expand a bit while I may just as well have asked for a bigger shovel.

Back to the drawing board, I think.

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By Zoe | Posted in Job interview | Comments (13)

>Help – I really need that job now.

Monday, October 26, 2009 – 10:01 am

>Last week I lost me. That’s correct, me, as in Zoe. I lost myself to a Domestic Goddess; in fact, I turned into one.

Me + Domestic Goddess = WHAT THE FUCK?

No Excel equation will ever be able to answer that one, but it happened.

On Wednesday, although it could have been Tuesday, I went into the kitchen, got out a big pan and my slow cooker. I had all my ingredients ready and started with the echalottes. I chopped up about 8 or 9 – I really don’t remember as I was crying pretty badly and my nose wouldn’t stop running. Half of them went into the pan, spiced by the odd drop of snot, and the rest were thrown into the slow cooker. I then chopped up about 7 courgettes and threw them in the pan closely followed by about 10 peeled and chopped spuds. I added a few herbs, a stock cube and some water, set it on low and let it do its thing.

I then attacked about 2kgs of carbonnade, cut it into bite-size chunks, threw that into the slow cooker with some herbs, a small bottle of red wine and a cup of water, set it on low and voilà. Supper for that night and the following night (well, the stew actually lasted for about 4 days).

And like a bat out of hell I started cleaning the entire kitchen followed by my emptying all the bins around the house into the main bin bag.

The courgette and snot soup was lovely and the stew was lovely and tender – I made more last night for tonight as it’s proper winter food.

But I’m worried as this is so unlike me. Even the Twat is getting edgy about my insistence on putting things away and wiping surfaces. Todd helped me with the washing up yesterday whilst listening to 70s music and we had a wild time dancing away to Boney M, Claude François and Grease. Todd did manage to revert back to himself by actually pushing me over to get out of the house, despite our pact that he stayed in that night.

So I need that job badly. Just to be me again.

UPDATE (already): We found out last night that Todd was so angry that he managed to kick his foot through Coralie’s bedroom door. One broken bathroom light and now a door, due to anger. The Ex has said that he’ll help me find a replacement door and take it out of Todd’s pocket money (oh yeah – but a kind gesture) – the stress is killing me. The boy needs lessons in anger-management, not a bloody ‘Fame!’ school.

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By Zoe | Posted in cooking, Domestic Goddess, Todd | Comments (9)

>Update.

Thursday, October 22, 2009 – 4:36 pm

>I’ve made it to the top three candidates for the job that I applied for which is a great boost to my morale but I have to go back for computer tests and that is already freaking me out, as that really is my downfall.

Still, if I managed to get this far…

Cross your fingers for next week.

Like this -> X

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By Zoe | Posted in Job interview | Comments (16)

>Men and boxes.

Thursday, October 22, 2009 – 9:01 am

>The Twat finally came home last night, grunted and then exclaimed “Ooooo, boxes!”, as if it was Christmas morning and he was only 6 years old. I went downstairs to see that he had already opened the one with the cables and was trying to work out what was what, despite everything being written quite clearly on each box.

Holding the thing for the router or whatever, I was duly informed that “We don’t need this.”
“Why not?”
“We already have one, this is just another.”
“Yes, but that looks like an updated version, plus it accepts 4 computers with internet access.”
“Yes Hon, but ours’ already does that.”
“I know that, but it SHOULDN’T. This one SHOULD.”
“Yes, but we don’t need it.”
“Andy, call their Helpdesk will you – you haven’t a clue.”
“I know exactly what I’m doing.”

I hate it when he says that. As I type this I am expecting to hear loud explosions around the house and for everything to go black. So far, so good.

Uh oh …. I’d better shut down. After handing the phone over to the Twat, having called the Helpdesk for him, he thinks he now knows what he’s doing. Hopefully, back in a bit….

We appear to be back in one piece. The internet is faster and the Twat has gone downstairs to see what’s happening television-wise. I’m very proud to have blocked calls to GSMs from my landline too so this house just gets better and better! Well, we shall see later on when watching the box. I’ve left it up to the Twat to programme this Digibox thing as I am useless at that sort of task. I fail miserably and admit defeat before even being asked. But what can I say? It was the Twat who discovered this upgrade, and for €59 a month plus phone calls (that’s telephone, TV and internet) who can complain?

Oh. The Twat is stuck and asking for technical translations. I am not a translator, nor, by any means, technical.

The man needs help and I need a drink.

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By Zoe | Posted in Diamond Shake | Comments (4)

>A shaking upgrade.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009 – 9:56 am

>I have decided to upgrade my TV, phone and internet system to something called ‘Diamond Shake’, which in all seriousness sounds daft if you ask me. This will mean that I will get better quality television and be able to record (I think) programmes in High Definition – although I have yet to buy an HD television. So nothing really changes there.

The telephone will be ACES as between 4pm – 8am I shall be able to call any country within the EU for FREE. No cost – nada. And the fact that I have blocked my phone from being able to phone GSMs is an added plus after I saw the last phone bill. Coralie has a lot to answer for, especially as I only recognised one number on the list – her father’s.

And the interweb will be faster, have more MBs or GBs – whatever, and will allow 4 computers to access the router thingy. We already have 4 computers linked up to my present router, but Tatiana is having trouble accessing the internet at times.

So it’s all rather good.

I went to collect the Digibox yesterday. The young man handed over a huge box, and then another containing something to plug into the router and yet another box which contained mostly air and a heck of a lot of cables. These three boxes are sitting on the sofa, waiting for the Twat to install them all when he deigns to come home. He has been in Strasbourg this week and couldn’t come home last night due to a train strike, so he says. Hopefully, he’ll set it up tonight or tomorrow morning when he gets up at silly o’clock.

In the meantime I’m going to make soup as it doesn’t involve Diamond Shaking.

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By Zoe | Posted in Diamond Shake | Comments (9)

>Oh Todd…..

Monday, October 19, 2009 – 9:01 am

>I can hear the yelling and screams of distaste from here.

I’ll wind back a bit.

My Ex is very anti-tattoos and piercings – I’m surprised that he put up with my pierced ears when we got together. But each to their own and I respect that, but I do not respect people who shun others simply because they have a pierced nose or a tattoo somewhere and more often than not label ‘these people’. Surely it’s what comes from the heart that matters?

Can a man at work perform less well because he has long hair? Are men or women less competent at whatever they do if they have a piercing or a tattoo? I don’t think so – unless they were pretty useless in the first place, but why blame their body adornments, they are hardly to blame.

Just before my Ex left I decided to have a tattoo done. He never got to see it as we weren’t sleeping together, but I think Todd told him that I had one. He called me a “beef” when I think he actually meant to say “cow”, but who cares – I don’t. Since then I have had a tongue stud which I took out after six months as it started to annoy me and have toyed with the idea of another tattoo but decided to use the money on that week’s groceries.

Yesterday, Todd popped by to show off … his piercing. He has a black stud just to the right of his lower lip which looks pretty much like a blackhead, but Todd thinks it looks cool. I asked if he’d shown his father yet and the reply was ‘no’. After he left I could hear screams ricocheting off the houses in this village, and once they had subsided I decided to call the Ex.

“Je suis TRES faché,” he said with venom.
“The boy is sixteen – there’s not much we can do. Besides, he’ll take it out after he’s snagged it once too many a time when getting undressed. Don’t be angry.”
“I hope so.”

The funny thing is, Todd’s father was all for letting him get a Prince Albert.

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By Zoe | Posted in Todd's piercing | Comments (126)

>The interview that was.

Friday, October 16, 2009 – 9:01 am

>So.

I trundled along to the interview and despite sitting in front of three people, didn’t feel at all nervous. Making eye-contact with all three as I spoke was difficult, so I decided to simply keep that special contact for the person asking me a question. They didn’t really ask me many questions, just explained what they do and how they work which had me leading the conversation most of the time asking them questions.

How do I think I did?

I’m not sure.

At the beginning of the interview, I asked if they would mind if I took notes. The main interviewer found this to be very funny, saying “I don’t think anyone has asked that before – have they? But I see your point – of course, please do.” I thought that was a Good Thing (ie: in my favour).

I had written down about ten questions about their company that I had picked up from the website and asked them those questions that they hadn’t already mentioned. The fact that I had looked through their website was, to me, a Good Thing.

The main interviewer knew about one of my former places of employment and the fact that we had something/names in common was, to me, a Good Thing.

I was very honest and asked if they offered training as mentioned in the job specs. They said that they do, but asked me why, and what was I thinking of? I replied that despite having had training in Excel last year, it was never put to use so I am a bit rusty. Was I too honest?

I brought up an issue that was in the news this week and related to the company, so asked if they intervene in such matters. I thought that to be a Good Thing as it showed that I was well-prepared.

That’s all I can remember, really. I’m not sure how well I’ll do against the other candidates, but we’ll see.

Finger’s crossed.

John Norris will be pleased to know that I fell asleep in front of Jezza Kyle:)

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By Zoe | Posted in Job interview | Comments (15)

>Todd N° 5,379 (and still going, it appears).

Tuesday, October 13, 2009 – 9:01 am

>So Todd went back to his boarding facilities on Sunday. Despite having barely seen my son over the weekend, I was only too glad to see the back of him, and that feeling makes me sad because it is wrong. It is wrong to want to see the back of your son. Todd is my flesh and blood and no matter how much I love the boy, he drives me insane.

His sudden change in August was a little too much to believe, but he wanted to take care of his mum while his quasi-papa wasn’t there. But now that Quarsan is back, everything has turned back to how it was before. Is Quarsan the problem in Todd’s life? Have I chosen someone who is really horrid to Todd behind my back? I don’t think so. But perhaps the fact that Todd is growing and becoming a young man is the problem. Puberty is nobody’s friend.

When Todd came home on Friday – with a new/borrowed studded belt hugging his hips and making him look a bit of a prat as no punk would have worn the belt like that – I was happy. But where was his bag of washing?

“Oh, it’s at mamy’s house.”
“Todd, I need it tonight as I do not have a tumble dryer, therefore your clothes have to be washed tonight.”
“But I can’t – I have to go to the Gare du Nord to pick up my girlfriend.”
“What? She’s staying tonight?”
“Yes mum, but don’t worry, I’m taking her out for dinner.”
“OK Todd, but don’t be back late. But before you go to meet her at the station, you will go and get your washing.”
“OK, mama – I’ll go.”

And so he left.

And came back at midnight.

Without his washing, nor his girlfriend.

In the morning Todd got up to have his hair cut, then promised to get his washing. I told him it would never be dry in time but he told me not to worry, he’s arranged it so that I would wash his clothes and Todd would then take them to his fathers to dry. His aunt then came around to pick him up to mow her lawn without a care in the world that this just happened to be my son, the one I only see every other weekend and so Todd tried to leave without his clothes.

We finally got the issue of drying Todd’s clothes over with, but the icing on the cake was when Todd came back from ‘somewhere’ on his sister’s bicycle without having asked her if he could borrow it. And not only that, he had broken the ‘stand’ ‘le pied’ of the bicycle right off.

I’m beginning to feel as though we have to lock everything up. We have all put passwords on our computers, but the kitchen needs locking up during the day, we need to put locks on our bicycles (Todd never did find Quarsan’s – does anyone have a 2nd hand bike for sale?) and so on.

This is no way to live. I feel that the happiest ‘person’ in this household is Hermie. He sleeps, he eats, he pees on his food, he sleeps, he eats, he plays Prison Break, ad nauseum.

At this rate, I’ll find myself ending up on the Jeremy Kyle show.

Help.

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By Zoe | Posted in Todd | Comments (144)

>An interview!

Monday, October 12, 2009 – 9:01 am

>Well, it’s a start and far more promising than nothing at all, even though I don’t feel qualified enough for the job – it’s a good boost just thinking that someone liked my CV. So I have until Thursday morning to think up questions to ask, look at the company’s website, get my ‘interview outfit’ cleaned (I only have the one so am screwed if I have to go back for a second interview) and check that my make-up hasn’t gone off, which is quite a possibility.

It will be weird going to Thursday’s interview as their offices are in a building that I worked in about twenty years ago, but that company could no longer pay the rent so moved out. I’m intrigued to see what it looks like now and if there are many changes. I’m not sure that the 80s look is still ‘in’ so I’m expecting a surprise.

Any advice and questions you think I should ask, think I may be asked?

Thank you – I’m pretty nervous, which is strange.

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By Zoe | Posted in Interview. | Comments (17)

>Scared shitless.

Monday, October 5, 2009 – 9:01 am

>On Friday night the Twat went out to a barbecue, and rather than come home and get his keys first, he simply told me that he would be home at 11pm. But as usual, 11pm came and went so I decided to go to bed, thinking that the Twat had found somewhere to crash for the night.

I woke up at 3am on Saturday and could hear someone trying to break in via the garage door. Terrified, I grabbed my glasses and mobile and went to call my mate Tony down the road who is always happy to come around with his baseball bat when someone is being broken into. I could hear the lock of the garage door being tampered with and the echo of the horrible, metallic door sent shivers down my spine.

And then slowly, I could hear the door opening. The lock in the door from the garage to the kitchen has a habit of working for a while and then not. At present it isn’t working so the person in my garage could easily get into my kitchen, but no further as I lock all doors downstairs for this very reason. Clasping my mobile tightly I tiptoed around hoping that maybe my intruder is someone I know; possibly, of all people, the Twat. And if it’s him, he’ll see his keys on the kitchen table and go back and enter via the front door.

I could hear the intruder try the kitchen door, but to no avail and then suddenly, I could hear the jingling of keys – it must be that idiot that I live with, afterall. I waited, holding off calling my mate Tony down the road, and fair enough, the front door opened. Somebody entered, went through to the garage, locked it, closed the door between the garage and kitchen and started towards the hallway.

“Hello?” I squeaked.
“Hi hon – “
“Don’t you fucking come anywhere near me, I told you to stay out. It’s not exactly 11pm, is it?”
“I’m sorry, hon – “
“Sleep on the fucking sofa.”

I was terrified at the time, and now greatly annoyed.

The twat.

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By Zoe | Posted in forgets keys, Twat | Comments (23)

>Officially unemployed.

Thursday, October 1, 2009 – 11:33 am

>Well, it could be so much worse, but seriously, the joys of signing onto the chomage, or unemployment benefits, is almost as depressing as being told that your contract isn’t going to be extended. Firstly, the nearest unemployment office to me is in Zaventem which involves a scenic bus trip lasting 20 to 30 minutes at the cost of €2.70 – and that’s only one way! When you hand over all the forms that you are given at the former place of employment you then have to sign up elsewhere in an entirely different building about 15 minutes away on foot. Although the people try to get away with only speaking in Flemish to me, they soon resort to French after my really bad attempts at speaking their language. I can give instructions as to how to get somewhere, but not hold a conversation.

The second place is, infact, a job centre of sorts, and all the jobs are in Flemish. But if I want my dole money, I have to sign on there too. 3 hours later and €5.40 down I tried to open the fence into our road but somebody appears to have fiddled with it overnight so I ended up climbing through a hole in the fence into the garden of house number 8. At least that journey is over with until the end of the month, unless I get lucky and find employment somewhere. I’ve not heard from the place that I applied for a couple of weeks back, but the deadline is tomorrow, so I’ll wait till Monday.

In the meantime, I have a house to clean and a tortoise for company, as well as the World Wide Web and all the job sites which are not proving to be offering anything in my domain.

It’s back to those all important afternoons with Jeremy Kyle.

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By Zoe | Posted in Unemployment | Comments (18)