"You hear laughter breaking through, it makes you want to fart. You’re heading for a breakdown, better pull yourself apart. " - John Cooper Clarke
Please change the RSS feed to my blog. Please? It was changed just before Christmas and if you follow me via RSS feed then you won’t know that I’ve updated. In fact, you won’t even know about this post.
Which is awkward.
Ummm, well, you know, just to say, before the new year comes in.
A friend with whom I worked with many, many moons ago, and have not seen in about 9 years visited yesterday. It was a lovely visit, for the girls too, as she happens to be their guardian (or god-mother if you believe in the old man upstairs) and so we caught up on a lot. Apparently I haven’t changed a bit, but then, nor has she so I think age is affecting us both. As she showed me her photos on her camera I asked her why didn’t she use something like Flickr so that she could share her photos there.
As I started to show my friend hows it works a message from the Twat popped up saying that he’d need a hot bath when he gets home as he’d sprained his back.
“How?”
“I sneezed. You may laugh.”
My greatest fear is of falling over and hurting my back, sciatica aside, but I had never considered sneezing to be a dangerous hazard.
How we live on the edge.
It is that time of year again when you are obliged to mix with people that you don’t want to mix with, exchange gifts with people that already have everything, sit next to an unheard of, distant relative and eat food that is only served once a year due to tradition, not culinary taste.
Then there are the god-awful pop-carols that are played over and over again on the radio, in the metro, in shops and christmas markets that send you to bed yelling out ‘IT’S CHRISSSSSSSSTMAAASSS’ before taking a heavy sedative so as to blank it all out. Never has the weather forecast been followed as closely as this time of the year as despite disruptions to any form of travel, everybody still wants a white christmas for which we can blame ol’ Bing and Hallmark.
Some of you may have decided to escape this all by going abroad where the climate is more favourable and christmas isn’t celebrated, which is fair enough, but the christmas commercialisation bug has managed to bite you right there, because how much did that little holiday cost you? You may have avoided your family, but you still spent money, so the joke is on you, matey.
Those who have not had to go to 15 christmas drinks and mince pie do’s, or worse, suffer the office christmas party may enjoy this time of the year and look forward to meeting and sharing these days with those that you have invited to stay.
An insider has told me of how her cousin has totally disrupted their christmas this year, and after many others in the family disagreeing to wear either beige, brown or blue so as not to clash in the photos – has decided to bring her new kitten to the evening. There are times like this when I think myself lucky not to be involved in families like that.
So to all of you reading this, I hope that the following days are spent with people you choose to spend time with and we, at Twat Mansions, wish you all a very happy holiday.
Not for a job, but someone who lived on the floor below me just over 20 years ago sent me a lovely message after sticking my name into Google. I’m crap at remembering names, but he remembered mine – probably after the ordeal I put him through when confronted by a massive spider in the hallway one evening after work. I particularly remember that as the spider was so large that even he was a bit nervous. Either that or he doesn’t like spiders.
Due to the medication that I have to take I have an extremely bad memory which would come back if I came off them. These days I put it down to old age and quite simply, I’m losing my mind. A classic example is when I confiscate things from Todd for 24 hours. When he asks for whatever the item is, I’ll be buggered if I can remember where I put it. I also hide things from Coralie as she believes that she has the right to use everything in this household. The trouble is, I can never remember where I’ve hidden the item and I do owe her an apology as I blamed her for nicking my make-up remover. I’d hidden the bottle from her. Oooops.
So finding that lovely message from a former neighbour has made my christmas – that, and finishing the christmas shopping. The shops were amazingly empty this year, it was bizarre. As I have had to cut back on my christmas present budget this year, the least I could do was to treat the family to christmas crackers. I showed the Twat who nodded in approval saying “I’ve always thought that explosions in the house are a good idea.”
Hmmmm.
I’m so happy – salut, Jean-marc!
…from my book. Well, plenty have already, but for christ’s sake, there is one left on the Amazon page and it is going for…. £122.69p.
I wonder at the stupidity of people sometimes. If I really wanted to buy a book that was out of print I would contact the author (presuming that said author has a web site of some sort – most do these days, if not all), and ask if it was possible to buy a book directly from the author. I have almost 300 copies of my book in England, and about 3 here which I will sign and post to anybody who would like one – at quite a lower price than that going on Amazon.
It is too late for this Christmas, unless bought for a birthday early next year – or whenever – I don’t care. But I know that a signed book is worth more than one that is not.
Ho hum.
I think Firefox is trying to trick us into believing that we will, after all, get a white christmas as snow is forecast for Thursday. I prefer to remain sceptical about that and enjoy the snow that we presently have, especially as I have to go into town tomorrow to find 2 more small presents. The earlier I am into town the better. The christmas ‘food’ shopping has been bought and as often, we will be having a raclette by request of the children. That will last until the new year at least as no doubt the girls will be visiting their boyfriends and Todd will be visiting his girlfriend. Or simply friends.
It’s time to turn on those christmas carols.
Oh yes, indeed.
“Oh no, what if we don’t have a white christmas?”
“It’ll just have to be another colour then.”
We had snow at the end of last week and even more on Friday night. The blizzard on Sunday kept us indoors as there was so much snow falling that taking photos would have meant risking our cameras, not to mention the freezing temperatures. Tatiana has “borrowed” my gloves and welly boots which is a pain in the arse, to say the least, but the weather conditions were in my favour as it meant keeping the Twat indoors so as to help me set my blog up on WordPress.
The move has been a longed-for project, but I was afraid of losing all my comments at Haloscan. It appears that they have all managed to move over, including 20,000 triplicates or so, but I think that Andy has managed a good job – we just need the odd tweak here and there. Andy Ramblings has been gracious enough to host this on his server and add his extensive IT knowledge when Andy was up against a wall, so I thank them both.
I’m pleased with the result and extremely annoyed with Haloscan that this ever had to happen at all, but there you go. I’m not the only one to be moving over here as a result of Haloscan selling to JS-Kit, and it will take me a while to learn this new template which is far more complicated than Blogger, but I will, one day, manage my entire site all by my very self.
Well, both Andys hope so.
And so here I am, finally. I’m trying to get rid of 1000 comments a day and am doing quite well so far, although I shall probably be unemployable due to RSI.
Hoping that none of you are stuck in the Eurotunnel or on a Eurostar and that you all have lovely holidays. I shall continue my job-search after the last interview sunk, as I guessed, try and brave the weather and get 3 christmas presents and spend the holiday as a couch-potato.
It’s almost certain that I shall blog, too.
Happy holidays 
Holy smokes, we have real snow. Well, a blizzard, actually. I’ve not heard a single tram go by and after a look I could see about 5cms of snow on the tram tracks. This is the first time in the 16 years that I have lived in this house that this has happened. I’m also a bit worried as Hermie’s heating bulb blew last night so I’ll have to move his cage next to a radiator until I can get a new one.
I’ll try and take pictures later on – the snow would ruin my camera if I tried now.
I’ll just chase that moose out of the garden first.
I’m here now. Many tweaking will go on, but I am actually alive and well. Thanks to two Andys, this is now here. Please do complain about the site if you must but due to the Haloscan handover (to another host), I’ve decided to move over here. With all my comments, I hope. I have to remove about 20,000 of them which were copied 8 times and now have severe RSI. So if I’m not around, you know that I am still deleting the multiple copies of each comment.
I shall thank the two Andys involved once I have got the hang of this.
Give me a couple of months or so.
>Things didn’t go that well today – partly my fault for not having thoroughly prepared and thought through possible questions that I may have been asked. I’d like to thank all those who gave good, sound advice – and if (that’s a rather big if) I get the job, I may start believing in god. Actually no.
That would be stretching things.
>Coralie and Tatiana are now 20 and go out like 20 year-olds, do things that 20 year-olds do – all that, except grow up. Don’t get me wrong, they are lovely girls, but Tatiana has been badgering me for the most part of this year to make an appointment for her at the gynaecologist. Admittedly, I didn’t actually mind doing that as I had to go too, but I did tell her on several occasions that it’s about time that she made these appointments herself.
On the way home, Tatiana then asked if I’d make a booking at the hairdressers’ for both her and her sister. And being the muppet that I am, I did, called Tatiana to tell her the time of their appointment and also asked if there was anyone else she’d like me to call on her behalf.
Admittedly, I shouldn’t have made those calls and I won’t in the future unless it’s some sort of an emergency, but it doesn’t really stop there. Neither daughter can really cook despite having offered to teach them on numerous occasions. Just because I dislike cooking doesn’t mean that I can’t cook, but for a long time the only thing that they could make was a vinaigrette, the first thing that my father taught me to make.
Neither knows how to work the washing machine but they damn well know how to fill it up, so I suggested showing them where the powder goes too. Likewise the dishwasher and despite telling them to rinse their plates before putting it in, they never do. That’s why the hot water downstairs was so important to me – I make them wash up now.
But things will gradually fall into place with time. Coralie will be looking for a job next summer if she passes all her exams and Tatiana still has a year to go. I just hope that I’m still not looking for a job at the same time as Coralie.
Meeep. There’s one thing growing up and a totally different one leaving the nest.
>Guess what? You can’t. You’ve read my Facebook page so you know. But if you haven’t… The company where I last had an interview have got in touch with me as there is an identical position in another department and would like to interview me on Friday. They contacted me. I feel so chuffed.
But.
My hair is long and out of control so I’m going to get it cut tomorrow. I’m rather worried that although my back is slowly getting better, I won’t be able to sit for long without dying. So I shall be taking my hot water bottle with me. It’s times like this that I am glad that I know my hairdresser so well – most people would probably think I’m batty.
With my locks chopped, I face another dilemma.
I have already had two interviews at this company and have absolutely nothing to wear to a third interview so I’m going to wear my smart, black jeans. I hope this is not going to ruin my chances of getting the job. They emailed me last Friday – the deadline for the job was 27 November (this year) so maybe they really want me.
But.
I asked all my questions last time – shall I just repeat them? My mum said I should, especially as I won’t be interviewed by the same person. I prefer to be pessimistic about it all, but it would be wonderful to end this year knowing that I’ll be employed next year. So think of me on Friday – and all suggestions are welcome with regards outfit, hairdressers and the interview.
I’d like to knock them dead.
>Forgive me, chickadees, for I have sinned once again.
I have bought myself two christmas presents, have already unwrapped them and even had them installed by my mate Tony down the road (MMTDTR).
The joy that it is to have a shower. The joy that it is to wash up (if I could, as standing in one position for longer than two minutes is still rather painful due to the sciatica). I love to rub my hands over and up, feel the cold metal between my fingers and lift the chrome up and down on my new taps. For that is what I have divulged in, dearest people: two taps.
I was told by a professional who obviously knows bugger-all that the reason that I didn’t get any hot water in the kitchen was due to a bunged-up tap. I only had to take it apart and stick it in vinegar, he said, but as it was one of the older makes, it was quite possible that ‘parts’ inside the tap had disintegrated. I’m not a plumber so thought “fuck it, let’s get a new tap – problem sorted” and ended up asking MMTDTR if he’d get me a new tap and install it for me – and while he’s at it, get a new set of taps for the bath as when I run a bath, water shoots out of the shower aswell.
Don’t go away, this does come in useful if ever you have the same problem as I had: hot water upstairs, but none downstairs.
Tony installed the downstairs’ tap. It looks beautiful and is shiny but did any hot water come out? No.
“I’ll be back tomorrow and change one of those tiny taps under the sink and see if we get any joy from that. If not, you’ll need a plumber, I’m afraid.”
“Bwwaaaaaaaaaaaah.”
I prodded the new tap which also acts as a shower and smiled grimly.
Tony then went on to install the new taps in the bath.
Hallelujah! When you want water, not a shower, you no longer end up drenched. It is amazing how happy things that work as they should make you after months of malfunctioning.
The next day, MMTDTR came back to change one of the taps under the sink.
“There’s your culprit, Zoe,” he said, showing me the old tap that was filled with limescale. Once the new one was on what did I get? HOT WATER! Oh yes. I now have hot water upstairs AND downstairs and this makes me very, very happy indeed.
This post was incredibly boring unless you happen to suffer the same problem as I did. Now you know where to look – and please, think of me if it works.
Next: MMTDTR tackles the leccy problem.
I bet you can’t wait.
>I have been suffering from severe sciatica since last Thursday, but managed to limp out on Friday, wobble around on Saturday and thanks to Deep Heat, Tiger Balm, Tiger Balm gel and Tiger Balm Strips (thanks to a good friend of mine), got from room to room on Sunday. I needed to get rid of the severe pain as tomorrow, I need to spread my legs for my gynecologist. This only happens once a year, but it really didn’t have to happen at the same time as the ‘Vag Doctor’.
But me, being me, it did.
The Twat has been very helpful; giving me painkillers when needed, pushing me over during the night when needed, and even offering an arm to get me to the loo – when needed. He’s a good carer in that sense and I suppose that is why we are good together, despite the turmoil of recent. I admit to being a bit worried about his visit to Bonn this week but I can live off soup for three nights and I’m sure that the pain will have gone by then, Inshalla. My main concern is getting the shopping in, despite my ‘Shopping Date’ on Tuesday.
I am sure that I will survive although the pain is still bad. People suffer worse and that is my main thought – until I have to turn slightly in bed. My thoughts then turn to all the miserable bastards who haven’t yet employed me; those who should have kept me on and then….
Oh fuck. It’s nearly Christmas.
Best European Blog For Three Years Running -
Bloggies 2005, 2006 and 2007
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About the Blog
This blog is mainly rants about my household, which has been described by a friend as a mixture of 'The Osbournes', 'Absolutely Fabulous' and 'My Family'.
People who have said this weren't smiling. Let's face it, it's bleeding obvious.
The household is made up of myself, Zoe, an oasis of calm, Coralie, a 21 year-old stroppy little cow, her twin sister, Tatiana, who bosses the Twat and me around and winds up their brother Todd, a seventeen-year old with the attention span of a goldfish.
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3limes -
A wonderful Expat blog brought to you from Uganda. Yes. Uganda.
(The) Aardvark Speaks -
Clever, funny, captivating.
AmberBamberBoo -
Life with 4 kids and Len.
Andy Ramblings -
A bit of this and a bit of that.
Anji Patchwork -
Family life in France.
Area Trace No Search -
A police-blog. It keeps me captivated and is well worth a read.
Bart -
Another Belgian. Another excellent blog.
Bibil -
She cooks, she's smart and she gets me talking French again.
Big n Juicy -
Random mumblings about random things in a random way.
Blaugustine -
Nathalie's cartoon alter ego.
Blogeois -
Once mistaken for Canadian Royalty - shocking!
Blog from Abroad -
New house, DIY, a dog, a husband, two toddlers and a baby. Oh, and Lisa, who can cook.
Blogzira -
Lucy versus Portugal. More fun than the World Cup - well, we'll see this year.
Brain Lint -
Ellen, RIP.
(The) Brussels Jungle -
Satire at it's best.
(The) Cartoonist -
Quirky sketches from a quirky guy.
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I chased, I read, I laughed.
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Everything you need to know about London - and more.
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An amazing blog; funny, sarcastic and very tongue-in-cheek. It needs dusting though.
Family Affairs and Other Matters -
A continuation of a blog plus a huge picture of her arse.
Foilwoman's Diary -
When the going gets tough the tough gets going ....
F:lux -
If he does it, she blogs it. Makes good reading, not to mention the photography.
[from fuck-up to] fab! -
Female, frazzled, very kind. I'd say bonkers, too.
Gemmak -
A biker girl with a soft heart.
Goat Food -
An excellent blog written by somebody really quite lovely.
Gordon McLean -
All round genius. I owe him a Lada.
Guyana-Gyal -
Stories from South America.
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He's from Canada and manages to come out with more than science and kittehs. Give him five.
How to Learn Swedish in 1000 Difficult Lessons -
A gay couple coping with foreign languages.
Invader Stu -
An English bloke stuck in Holland, drawing great cartoons, getting married (sort of) and having accidents.
Inspector Gadget -
The first police-blog that made me realise just what else is out there. Incredible, fascinating - read the others.
John Strain -
Sense and sensibility with a touch of sparkle.
Jo in Japan -
Life and musings of an English teacher in Japan.
Jonny B's private secret diary -
Life. In Norfolk.
Kaliyuga Kronicles -
He claims to be witty, urbane and handsome. Trouble is, he's not.
Krimo's (cookery) Blog -
An interesting and funny insight into the cooking world. Full of humour, love and compassion.
Life is a Pig! -
Life after 70 and several beers.
Little.Red.Boat -
A simple blog that captures each moment perfectly. She also loves making lists.
Me and my big mouth -
Scott Pack's blog.
Mimi in New York -
A Brit in the US.
Mr. Nighttime -
Superb writing from a usual suspect.
Mommy has a Headache -
Sex, children and laughter. Why wasn't she here before?
Past Imperfect -
Pat's life. A treasure to read.
(The)Pissed Kitty -
Insanely funny.
Publog -
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Raised by Chaffinches -
He's flown back.
(The) Red Mist -
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Ricardiblog -
A Canuck finally starts blogging. After 6 years of persuasion, and all he blogs about is science and cars??
Sablonneuse -
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Saltation -
A bloke who makes life sound funny.
Scaryduck -
A duck with a passion for Belgian buns.
Sim -
Sim's blog - powered by Girlpants and a small child.
Smaller than Life -
This blog makes my day complete.
The Mommy Blog -
A 21st Century Mom.
Tine -
Another Belgian, a great photographer.
Troubled Diva -
I love this blog which contains
the best photo of 2002.
Turquoise -
Lisa and Cameron back in Blighty, with yet another daughter.
Vallalar - In the Eye of the Beholder -
A photoblog from another lovely Belgian.
VeryVeryBored - The produce of someone who is incredibly bored.
Walls Come Tumbling Down -
Kenny. He's mad.
(The) Wrath of Dawn -
A Canuck. With a chainsaw.
AWOL Bloggers
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A screamingly funny blog from someone called Nigel.
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The Slapper has disappeared again.
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She's so classy, she's bonkers.
Goth of some sorts -
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A family blog living in Wales which never fails to surprise, no matter what faces Honey.
It Always Rains in Wales -
Brought to you from Wales.
Joliet Jake -
He's absolutely off his head.
Mannekin Pics -
Daily photos of Brussels by Quarsan. An excellent photoblog.
Naked Blog -
Saucey, daring, and incredibly interesting.
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My Trailer is Bigger than Your Trailer -
This blog reads to you. Accent and all. Highly amusing.
s e v i t z d o t c o m -
Great humour, lousy speling.
Quickos Daily News - An update on Quickos' exciting
life with the Twat !
Speaking as a Parent -
Well-written. A blog that I can understand.
That's the way Life is ... -
A lovely little blog all the way from the West East Coast.
Watski's World -
Whacky humour.
Flowers that I'd love to receive
T-Shirt Humor
The only T-Shirts that I'd ever buy are from T-Shirt Humor
Thanks To...
FeedBlitz - for the email update service.
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Andy - for being such a twat as to set all this up for me.
AND
Andy Hopkins for hosting and helping hugely to set this up.
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