"You hear laughter breaking through, it makes you want to fart. You’re heading for a breakdown, better pull yourself apart. " - John Cooper Clarke

Merry Christmas All

It is that time of year again when you are obliged to mix with people that you don’t want to mix with, exchange gifts with people that already have everything, sit next to an unheard of, distant relative and eat food that is only served once a year due to tradition, not culinary taste.

Then there are the god-awful pop-carols that are played over and over again on the radio, in the metro, in shops and christmas markets that send you to bed yelling out ‘IT’S CHRISSSSSSSSTMAAASSS’ before taking a heavy sedative so as to blank it all out. Never has the weather forecast been followed as closely as this time of the year as despite disruptions to any form of travel, everybody still wants a white christmas for which we can blame ol’ Bing and Hallmark.

Some of you may have decided to escape this all by going abroad where the climate is more favourable and christmas isn’t celebrated, which is fair enough, but the christmas commercialisation bug has managed to bite you right there, because how much did that little holiday cost you? You may have avoided your family, but you still spent money, so the joke is on you, matey.

Those who have not had to go to 15 christmas drinks and mince pie do’s, or worse, suffer the office christmas party may enjoy this time of the year and look forward to meeting and sharing these days with those that you have invited to stay.

An insider has told me of how her cousin has totally disrupted their christmas this year, and after many others in the family disagreeing to wear either beige, brown or blue so as not to clash in the photos – has decided to bring her new kitten to the evening. There are times like this when I think myself lucky not to be involved in families like that.

So to all of you reading this, I hope that the following days are spent with people you choose to spend time with and we, at Twat Mansions, wish you all a very happy holiday.