"You hear laughter breaking through, it makes you want to fart. You’re heading for a breakdown, better pull yourself apart. " - John Cooper Clarke

Annual Shag Day.

Christ – a reader has pointed out to me that tomorrow is Annual Shag Day and I’d forgotten.  Yes, people, I had actually forgotten about the day when I have to get the rust seen to and the joints oiled, not to mention all the other preparations.

And so…this starts off with shaving my legs etc and then onto more fun-pampering such as seeing to the exfoliation of my arms with my wonderful kiwi fruit scrub.  I am thinking of exfoliating my legs with the nut scrub and my back with the wonderful mango scrub.  I know that I shall smell a dream.

Having come out of the bath smelling like some fruit cocktail it is time to apply body moisturiser and I am thinking along the lines of either cranberry or mango as they are a saucy mix.  I think I’ll go along with the mango as it is strong when applied, but after a day smells simply divine.

Not that I don’t on any other day, obviously.

Seeing as I didn’t get to go to my hairdresser’s, I shall simply have to do something with my hair tomorrow.  It can’t look any worse than it does today and who says the Twat will even notice?  I certainly won’t as I won’t be wearing my glasses, nor even be the one looking at me.

That’s a thought, how will I know that the Twat is even looking at me?  I’m beginning to feel like the eyes of Gordon Brown right now and am hoping that the Twat will say something about how soft and appealing I feel.  Yes, that’s quite right.

I shall also invest in some WD-40 to put on the side table for a little bit of lubrication to my joints. You may snigger, but this sort of thing is needed with age and so I shall see that I am totally prepared, but before that I am going to invest in some sexy underwear, why, I have no idea as it rarely stays on for a minute once the Twat has seen it, going by previous years. He has always told me that it’s a waste of money – but heck, did I buy them for him? (No – I got them in the sales in January, for me.)

If I’ve forgotten anything today, that can be rectified with cucumbers and lemon tomorrow, as there is one thing that never happened last year:

using my new bed on Annual Shag Day.