"You hear laughter breaking through, it makes you want to fart. You’re heading for a breakdown, better pull yourself apart. " - John Cooper Clarke

Sod’s Law.

My life nearly ended last night when I realised that I couldn’t connect to the internet. Far little is worse than this sort of nightmare, but even the Twat couldn’t get it working again. What on earth does one do in such situations? Read? Watch TV? Feeling very put out, I did the latter and watched Eastenders. Ten minutes towards the end the Twat said that he didn’t know why I was so miserable – apart from the fact that I was watching Eastenders – as he’d fixed the internet what I’d broke.

He didn’t tell me he’d fixed it straight away as he appeared to enjoy watching me wallow in my own sorrow, knowing that my mate Dave was simply dying to talk to me. When I told the Twat that he was in stitches. “He wants to talk to you? I can’t get you to shut up.” Lovely. What was even lovelier was the fact that I now had a technician coming around at 8 in the morning and couldn’t cancel it.

I was up at dawn this morning so as to be ready for the technician. 8am arrived. So did 8.15am. So did 8.30am by which time I’d had enough and decided to risk jumping in the shower. Just as I was rinsing out the shampoo I heard my mobile ring so jumped out, detected where my phone was as I wasn’t, for many reasons, wearing my glasses, and after much fumbling with wet, slippery hands, answered the call – too late. Bugger. I finished my shower and just as I wrapped my towel around me, the doorbell went.

My hair was wrapped in a smaller towel and I’d just applied two blobs of moisturiser on my cheeks so had no other option other than to go downstairs barely dressed and looking like a clown. The technician barely flinched when I open the door.

He barely flinched – I was almost naked and he barely flinched.

I think I will have to make a complaint about that as he could have at least remarked on my incredible legs or massive bosom. But no.

He fiddled around with his notepad and concluded that my modem crashed for a while last night, something that even I could have told him. Miffed that he didn’t remark on my extraordinarily superb body I was glad to see the back of him.

I then realised that I still had 2 blobs of moisturiser on my cheeks.