"You hear laughter breaking through, it makes you want to fart. You’re heading for a breakdown, better pull yourself apart. " - John Cooper Clarke

Todd, oh Todd.

I was away briefly last week and came back to a house that had been lived in by, well, two blokes, the Twat and Todd. I emptied the overflowing letter box and found a bill and a letter addressed to me from the police. This intrigued me as I can’t remember having a brush with the Law for quite some time – if ever. But the letter wasn’t about me, but Todd.

I called him downstairs and asked him why I had to go to the police station.

“Sit down, Mama,” said Todd, as he sat down himself looking rather shifty.
“It’s OK, Todd, I’ll stand.”
“Well, I bought this scooter from a friend called Bryan. He was selling it for €70 but I only had €35 so he let me buy it.”
“A scooter? Your dad will go ape-shit.”
“No, Mama, it doesn’t go fast enough so Bryan told me that I didn’t need a license – ”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes. Anyway, I was riding it and Thomas was on the back – I was wearing a helmet, he wasn’t and was rather drunk and the police stopped me.”
“Well, I was putting the light on and they took me in and told me that the scooter had been stolen.”
“Stolen? You bought a stolen scooter? Have you any idea what your dad is going to say?”
“Ummmm, I’ll have to pay a fine – ”
“Where is this bloody scooter?”
“At the police station.”
“Fine, best place for it. I won’t tell your dad – that’s up to you. You drink, go clubbing and so I consider you adult-enough to face the consequences. Welcome to the Real World, Todd.”

Todd looked at me warily as if he wanted to ask “is that it?” but to be quite honest, he’s 16 and 16 year-old boys do things like that and he’ll just have to learn the hard way. He’s terrified of having to pay a fine though – he’s rather fond of his pocket money.

And so that’s where I was yesterday, sitting in the new police station trying to keep my eyes off the policeman’s handcuffs which would make a beautiful addition to my bedroom and talking about Todd’s idiotic behaviour. The worst part is the fact that Todd had bought a stolen scooter, and this will go down on his ‘criminal register’. The stupid part of it all is that Todd has to go to court to find out what his fine will be, and that won’t be for a long time if it’s anything like my own experience.

Fortunately, the policeman and I agreed that Community Service is the best punishment as, he said, in most cases, the parents pay the fine. Although I would never pay the fine for Todd, I really believe that Community Service would teach him a better lesson than a quickly paid-off fine.

But thanks to a certain volcano, Todd didn’t have to tell his father who was stuck in Costa Rica, and is now at school for the week, and this weekend Todd comes back home to me. The boy owes me Big Time – I thought I was fairly relaxed about it all.

Too bad the lawn really needs mowing, Todd.


  1. Yawn
    Posted Thursday, April 22, 2010 at 10:22 am | Permalink

    I hope you had a lovely time. It seems a bit strange to complain about what Tod got up to when you chose to be away while he was on holiday. Where was it you went again?

  2. Posted Thursday, April 22, 2010 at 11:08 am | Permalink

    Prison showers would teach him a lesson he would never forget… I’m just saying.

  3. Posted Thursday, April 22, 2010 at 11:09 am | Permalink

    Welcome back! I think you were TOO relaxed about this whole thing. Are you on valium? If so, please send us some ASAP.

  4. Posted Thursday, April 22, 2010 at 12:08 pm | Permalink

    Yawn, I had a lovely time thank you.

  5. Anonymous, too
    Posted Thursday, April 22, 2010 at 1:26 pm | Permalink

    I’d bet Todd was the one who had to touch the oven door twice before he learned what “No, HOT” meant. Oh, well, if the law considers him to be an adult, it’s time for him to start acting like one.

    At least Q didn’t have to introduce Herman to a life of debauchery. . .or did he?

  6. Posted Thursday, April 22, 2010 at 2:39 pm | Permalink

    Were the policeman’s cuffs fur lined??? MeOWWW!

  7. Posted Thursday, April 22, 2010 at 2:45 pm | Permalink

    Good for you, a couldn’t care less what you do attitude might make him think

  8. Yawn
    Posted Thursday, April 22, 2010 at 3:57 pm | Permalink

    Let’s hope so lom

  9. Posted Thursday, April 22, 2010 at 7:41 pm | Permalink

    Is it already troll time? Good grief, Zed, you’ve got some strange people commenting here. I only wonder if Yawn’s bookshelf might be as interesting as lom’s bookshelf.

  10. Posted Thursday, April 22, 2010 at 10:02 pm | Permalink

    He bought a scooter. He’s 16. How does a 16 year old know if a scooter is stolen or not? I feel sorry for him, ow.

  11. Posted Friday, April 23, 2010 at 12:32 am | Permalink

    You live and you learn, better he learn younger than older.

  12. Posted Friday, April 23, 2010 at 1:11 am | Permalink

    I don’t think that mowing your own lawn counts as Community Service. Or grooming your own newts either!

  13. Posted Friday, April 23, 2010 at 3:03 pm | Permalink

    I bet your coolness probably upset him more than if you’d have yelled at him. A trip to the scooter shop to see how much they really cost might warn him against that kind of thing next time

  14. Posted Sunday, April 25, 2010 at 8:50 pm | Permalink

    One assumes Todd’s dad doesn’t read one’s blog ?

  15. Posted Sunday, April 25, 2010 at 8:57 pm | Permalink

    Toadrunner – a big NOPE there.