"You hear laughter breaking through, it makes you want to fart. You’re heading for a breakdown, better pull yourself apart. " - John Cooper Clarke

Todd – again.

The joys of motherhood are far too over-rated and if anybody ever dares tell you that popping out their own spawn is the most rewarding thing that they have ever done then turn away, don’t listen because They Are Lying. Especially if they have teenagers. Long gone are the days of sleepless nights and sulphur-filled nappies, instead they are now replaced by sleepless nights wondering where the fuck your child is at silly o’clock in the morning and skid-marks down the back of the toilet; sore nipples are replaced by a teenage boy eating everything there is in the house and that once-angelic bundle of joy has learnt the ability to speak his own bloody mind.

The one thing that hasn’t appeared to change in the unique case of my teenage son is the ability to think. He is extremely clever at managing his life so that he gets out of mowing the lawn week after week by simply vanishing to stay with his girlfriend who lives in the boondoks and missing two train connections home, or by bringing home a crate of beer and a bunch of friends.

On Friday, Todd came home with a couple of friends – and the mandatory crate of beer – and sat outside for a while swigging back a couple of bottles each. They then miraculously disappeared without sound or mention, only to reappear several hours later with more friends and more beer.

I had decided to go to bed early that night as I was suffering a killer of a migraine but was woken up at around midnight by Todd and yet another couple of friends ringing the doorbell. They then settled down to eat some hamburgers and drink more beer. After a while I heard Todd go to bed – with his friends and they only shut up when I swore at them loudly – I wasn’t feeling well and wanted to sleep.

It appeared that I wasn’t the only one feeling ill as the next thing I heard was someone retching in Todd’s bedroom. Todd was then fishing around in the cupboard in the bathroom looking for a towel. I asked him if his friend had thrown up over the floor.
“No Mama, he’s being sick out of the window.”
“Did he not think to use the toilet which is just here?”

Todd looked at me as if I had said something quite intelligent and then slowly backed into his bedroom with a silly grin on his face.

The house looked a tip the next morning although I managed to get Todd to tidy it up to the best of his capabilities before he disappeared into thin air to avoid mowing the lawn. As I gazed out of one of the kitchen windows I saw the window sill was splattered with remnants of someone’s food.

I hope you wished your mother a Happy Mother’s Day – I bet she deserves it.

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