"You hear laughter breaking through, it makes you want to fart. You’re heading for a breakdown, better pull yourself apart. " - John Cooper Clarke

Todd – again.

The joys of motherhood are far too over-rated and if anybody ever dares tell you that popping out their own spawn is the most rewarding thing that they have ever done then turn away, don’t listen because They Are Lying. Especially if they have teenagers. Long gone are the days of sleepless nights and sulphur-filled nappies, instead they are now replaced by sleepless nights wondering where the fuck your child is at silly o’clock in the morning and skid-marks down the back of the toilet; sore nipples are replaced by a teenage boy eating everything there is in the house and that once-angelic bundle of joy has learnt the ability to speak his own bloody mind.

The one thing that hasn’t appeared to change in the unique case of my teenage son is the ability to think. He is extremely clever at managing his life so that he gets out of mowing the lawn week after week by simply vanishing to stay with his girlfriend who lives in the boondoks and missing two train connections home, or by bringing home a crate of beer and a bunch of friends.

On Friday, Todd came home with a couple of friends – and the mandatory crate of beer – and sat outside for a while swigging back a couple of bottles each. They then miraculously disappeared without sound or mention, only to reappear several hours later with more friends and more beer.

I had decided to go to bed early that night as I was suffering a killer of a migraine but was woken up at around midnight by Todd and yet another couple of friends ringing the doorbell. They then settled down to eat some hamburgers and drink more beer. After a while I heard Todd go to bed – with his friends and they only shut up when I swore at them loudly – I wasn’t feeling well and wanted to sleep.

It appeared that I wasn’t the only one feeling ill as the next thing I heard was someone retching in Todd’s bedroom. Todd was then fishing around in the cupboard in the bathroom looking for a towel. I asked him if his friend had thrown up over the floor.
“No Mama, he’s being sick out of the window.”
“Did he not think to use the toilet which is just here?”

Todd looked at me as if I had said something quite intelligent and then slowly backed into his bedroom with a silly grin on his face.

The house looked a tip the next morning although I managed to get Todd to tidy it up to the best of his capabilities before he disappeared into thin air to avoid mowing the lawn. As I gazed out of one of the kitchen windows I saw the window sill was splattered with remnants of someone’s food.

I hope you wished your mother a Happy Mother’s Day – I bet she deserves it.


  1. Posted Monday, May 10, 2010 at 10:55 am | Permalink

    It kills the plants it lands on too.

  2. Posted Monday, May 10, 2010 at 12:08 pm | Permalink

    Probably about 20 years too late to stuff him back from whence he came?

  3. Anonymous, too
    Posted Monday, May 10, 2010 at 1:40 pm | Permalink

    And they didn’t even have the good manners to bring you a bottle of wine as a hostess gift! The nerve!

  4. Posted Tuesday, May 11, 2010 at 8:36 am | Permalink

    It’s not too late to put him up for adoption

  5. Posted Tuesday, May 11, 2010 at 12:44 pm | Permalink

    Zoe, we’ve been vaguely considering having kids, but I swear every time I read about Todd, it scares me off the idea for at least a week… honestly, is motherhood really that hard??

  6. Debbie
    Posted Tuesday, May 11, 2010 at 1:11 pm | Permalink

    Great stuff as usual…

  7. Posted Tuesday, May 11, 2010 at 6:49 pm | Permalink

    Are you sure he can’t just stay permanently at school, or his dad’s? Is he too young to put into the military?

  8. Posted Tuesday, May 11, 2010 at 6:49 pm | Permalink

    Saying that, he sounds like a normal teen aged male. We had two, yes, very similar.

  9. Posted Wednesday, May 12, 2010 at 4:23 am | Permalink

    just wait, it gets better.
    no, it doesn’t. try being jolted awake at 1:30 am by the mad barking of the hound, only to glance out the window to see the cause of the canine’s distress, a couple cop cars with accompanying cops talking to a lad in handcuffs who, through the sleepy haze, you realize is your kid who you thought was sound asleep…

  10. Posted Wednesday, May 12, 2010 at 3:37 pm | Permalink

    Teenage step-daughter, a large amount of rainbow-coloured alcoholic beverage over her bedroom floor and a digital recorder to hand. It wasn’t pretty listening (good job I didn’t have video) and I did have to clear it up, but she never did it again.

  11. a
    Posted Wednesday, May 12, 2010 at 5:32 pm | Permalink

    Better than throwing up in the sock drawer…

  12. Posted Wednesday, May 12, 2010 at 6:08 pm | Permalink

    a, can you expand on that?

  13. a
    Posted Thursday, May 13, 2010 at 8:23 am | Permalink

    True story. One of my ex-assistants, young and very drunk, room spinning, managed to open his sock drawer, throw up in it and close it again.Forgot about it. Didn’t open it again for a month. It was summer. Who needs socks?

  14. Posted Thursday, May 13, 2010 at 9:14 am | Permalink

    a – that is truly disgusting. Didn’t he notice a smell or something?

  15. a
    Posted Thursday, May 13, 2010 at 10:43 am | Permalink

    There’s a fair chance that the rest of the room may not have been that savoury. He wasn’t very domesticated…

  16. Posted Thursday, May 13, 2010 at 2:51 pm | Permalink

    5. Charlie’s Tribe – in a word – YES!

  17. Posted Thursday, May 13, 2010 at 5:28 pm | Permalink

    I just had a day teaching teenage boys and even lived to write about it. They are truly something. At least there is no food and beer at school. Yet. I extend my sympathies. Isn’t he at boarding school?

  18. Posted Friday, May 14, 2010 at 11:56 am | Permalink

    I think maybe two boys were easier than one – they curbed each other’s excesses. But it wasn’t easy.

  19. Posted Friday, May 14, 2010 at 3:35 pm | Permalink

    You ain’t seen nothin’ yet.

    Don’t worry, he will sort himself out when he’s…ahhhh…forty?

    hee hee

  20. Posted Saturday, May 15, 2010 at 4:28 pm | Permalink

    I was smiling reading this because I CAN RELATE! The best part was when my son moved out-he has been self-supporting since the age of 16 (he’s a programmer) and now we have a wonderful relationship; it does get better, after they move out! Now my daughter has her antics, too.

  21. Posted Saturday, May 15, 2010 at 6:48 pm | Permalink

    So relate to this – although at least you didn’t put your foot in a pile of vomit by the side of your bed like I did!! My son’s idea of cleaning up after one of his parties is simply to smear all that sticky beer a little bit further all round the kitchen Lx

  22. Posted Sunday, May 16, 2010 at 4:07 am | Permalink

    Hm, haven’t been around for a bit… and I come back to Todd’s pal barfing out a window.

    I’m sure this means something or other.

  23. Alita13
    Posted Monday, May 17, 2010 at 7:47 am | Permalink

    hi zoe this isnt realy a comment for your post but i just wanted to say that your awsome lol your silly life always makes me laugh! thank you, Alita Pelkey

  24. Alita13
    Posted Monday, May 17, 2010 at 9:00 am | Permalink

    omg i sound realy stupid lol