"You hear laughter breaking through, it makes you want to fart. You’re heading for a breakdown, better pull yourself apart. " - John Cooper Clarke

Author Archives: Zoe

Sculpture

I love the way Europeans adore their sculpture and this one really caught my eye near Bad Münster Eifel. Right in the middle of a roundabout.

Share

It’s time for the bubonic plague again.

I went to see the dermatologist again today seeing as I appear to have a touch of the bubonic plague again. As the doctor explained how I managed to catch it again, with details from stress to my coil, she also told me to stay out of the sun. This would be fine if the […]

Share

Mohawks.

Todd made a short appearance at home yesterday boasting his Mohawk which looked like a cross between a hedgehog that had been caught under a lawnmower and a Tin-tin hair-do. Apparently the hairdresser refused to shave off the sides completely so he doesn’t look quite as fearsome as I had expected – just a little […]

Share

Todd N°. 5,380 (and still going).

I dropped by the house yesterday as I haven’t been around much and the children are chez Papa. After checking on Hermie, changing his water and giving him something to eat I went upstairs to get something from my bedroom. Hello? Why is Todd’s duvet and pillows on my bed? Hello? Why is my king-size […]

Share

TQOTD

“I’m still not talking to you, you know.” “Warn me next time – I hadn’t noticed you’d stopped, Zoe. Pffffffffffft.

Share

1989

That was definitely a year to remember. I waddled around like a beached up whale, ate extremely healthy, exercised a lot and generally felt good about myself as I was due to give birth on 24 June. All I knew was that I wasn’t expecting just the one baby, but two, but had no idea […]

Share

Tesco TVs are very sturdy.

I’ve often been known as vaguely clumsy but yesterday was quite impressive. Previously, I’ve backed into occupied phone boxes, startling the person inside, locked myself out of my house on several occasions, fallen over a snowman flat on my face, ran full pelt into a glass door and so on. Yesterday was just another incident […]

Share

TQOTD

“Zoe, you do realise that I’m lying on my good ear so that every time you say something I have to lift my head up?” “I’ll just start shouting at you then.” “Actually, I’d like you to shut up altogether.” Some men.

Share

A job!

No, not me, Coralie. Coralie applied at a hotel for a summer job as a receptionist and they not only gave her a summer job, but a full contract which only goes to show how valid a stage is when studying for a degree. Not only does she have the experience, but she also speaks […]

Share

TQOTD

Last week I visited a friend. Just before serving me supper, which was supposed to be a pasta-bake, he announced: “Oh, Zoe – I forgot the pasta.” I expected soup, but it was, in fact, very good. The Twit.

Share

Sun, sport, jungles and tortoises.

It’s been a while since I’ve checked in here to give you all the news from the Twat Mansion so I decided that seeing as today is a bit windy outside I’ll come here and do some dusting. To be honest, the weather hasn’t been that fantastic, just check out the number of times the […]

Share

Blood is thicker than water.

I’ve just recovered from a tiring trip to and from the UK to celebrate the Ruby Wedding Anniversary of some friends of mine. To be honest, I had only met one half of the couple prior to the event, but not only his wife, but his entire family were absolutely charming as were the friends […]

Share

The Police.

I love the police in this country. Fair enough, I have blogged about them before as they turn around and I see their huge handcuffs on their belts, their guns in their holsters and not to mention the uniform. A rather young-looking policeman just popped by for a signature on the declaration I made about […]

Share

Todd – again.

The joys of motherhood are far too over-rated and if anybody ever dares tell you that popping out their own spawn is the most rewarding thing that they have ever done then turn away, don’t listen because They Are Lying. Especially if they have teenagers. Long gone are the days of sleepless nights and sulphur-filled […]

Share

Not a clever thing to do.

I gazed sadly at my jungle of a garden yesterday and decided that nobody is going to mow it, so I’ll have to. I heaved out the useless lawn mower that I have that has a mind of its own and tackled the front bit. Not bad and my back was doing pretty well so […]

Share