"You hear laughter breaking through, it makes you want to fart. You’re heading for a breakdown, better pull yourself apart. " - John Cooper Clarke

Author Archives: Zoe

TQOTD

“Oh, look at that!” “Zoe, are you talking to me?” “No, no – just the bathroom scales.” “Oh, and what did they reply – WEIGHT?” HA HA HA. Not.

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Todd, oh Todd.

I was away briefly last week and came back to a house that had been lived in by, well, two blokes, the Twat and Todd. I emptied the overflowing letter box and found a bill and a letter addressed to me from the police. This intrigued me as I can’t remember having a brush with […]

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Spring is definitely in the air.

The hedges are looking slightly greener, there are wild flowers growing under my hedge adding a hint of colour to the garden and the lovely early sound of lawns being mowed can be heard. I even sat outside the other day. So why is the weather so miserable now? The heating is normally turned off […]

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TQOTD

Yesterday I had a cat-nap seeing as there was sweet FA to do and woke up with a huge bite on my upper lip. I am now looking for the tarantula that bit me so that I can bite it back. This morning I asked the Twat how bad it looked due to all the […]

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Catching up with times.

I should stop complaining about Easter eggs being everywhere as the Twat has just right pointed out to me that Sunday just happens to be Easter. Where did the time go? I blame my calendar really as it’s confusing with today being the last day of March and therefore there are blank squares until I […]

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Sod’s Law.

My life nearly ended last night when I realised that I couldn’t connect to the internet. Far little is worse than this sort of nightmare, but even the Twat couldn’t get it working again. What on earth does one do in such situations? Read? Watch TV? Feeling very put out, I did the latter and […]

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Home again.

I’ve been away in Holland for the past week and had a wonderful time in between job-hunting. The scariest thing that I did was to go cycling – I’ve never cycled in Holland before and it is scary. Using someone else’s bike with brakes that hardly work is also very scary but at least I […]

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Todd’s arse.

This is what happens when I leave my son in the Twat's charge for a weekend. They go out to Churchill's bar in Brussels and my son bares all to have the female guitarist playing on Todd's former English teacher's band sign his arse. Now who’s the bad parent?

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I must be emo.

Todd got this song into my head ages ago.  The lyrics are fantastic.

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Crossroads.

I feel like I’m at a crossroads in my life and am not sure whether to go straight on, turn left or risk going right.  This has been coming on for almost a year now so I think I shall carry on straight for a bit until I meet another crossroads – or get run […]

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It doesn’t help, you Third World Country.

Belgium seems to think that it will help this commune by cutting down on our gas and electricity bills.  Naturally, in order to do this, works have to be undertaken.  In order to undertake these works, our gas and electricity supplies have to be cut off. It’s all very well telling us about this in […]

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TQOTD

A friend visited us yesterday and turned to me at one point asking: “So you’ve been pretty abstemious then?” “Errrrr, What? What does abstemious mean?” The Twat: “No, you wouldn’t know what that meant, would you?” Pffffft.

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It was good to get away.

Thanks to the Twat I was allowed to “go fishing” last weekend with a superb friend of mine of at least 8 years.  We talked a lot, ate a lot and drank a lot, as you do.  Getting away was a great relief from everything and I hope that I can do it again some […]

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Brrrrr.

The house started cooling down slowly on Saturday although we were lucky to get some sunshine to warm up the living-room.   On Sunday morning the thermostat told me that the house had gone down to 15°C and I spent most of the day trying to find ways of crawling into Hermie’s cage and basking under […]

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Oh great.

Whenever the children were sick and needed to see a doctor they always adhered to Murphy’s Law and fell ill over a weekend.  Whenever something goes wrong in this house, Murphy’s Law also applies. My heater broke this morning. This means no hot water and no heating until I can get a chauffagiste in to […]

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