"You hear laughter breaking through, it makes you want to fart. You’re heading for a breakdown, better pull yourself apart. " - John Cooper Clarke

Author Archives: Zoe

Thirty-four.

I used to love this day of the year but for the past twenty years it has become nothing but a drag, usually spent in the office where it was of no significance to anybody else and after a bit that rubbed off on me too.  It’s Thursday today and so far my week has […]

Share

The Twat is asthmatic.

And yet he has started to smoke again on a regularly basis. I ‘saved’ his life once, back in 2002, when I blackmailed him into going to hospital.  He could have died then. I only allowed him home on the promise that he would give up smoking.  Even I gave up to help him back […]

Share

My postman.

The postman that does the rounds in this area has to be the most miserable sod ever created.  He stands up to the typical ‘Belgian stereotype’: moody, silent and very, very Flemish.  Oh, and customer service?  Yes, well, I think that’s best left aside. I dislike stereotyping any nationality, but whenever I do see groans […]

Share

It’s Annual Shag Day!

Well, this snow goes back to last December,  but even so, isn’t it just oh, so jaw-droppingly romantic?  The Twat didn’t pee out the words but instead, spent ages shuffling out the words to make a wonderful sign in the road, for perhaps four neighbours to see.  The heart had been done earlier by Tatiana, […]

Share

Annual Shag Day.

Christ – a reader has pointed out to me that tomorrow is Annual Shag Day and I’d forgotten.  Yes, people, I had actually forgotten about the day when I have to get the rust seen to and the joints oiled, not to mention all the other preparations. And so…this starts off with shaving my legs […]

Share

Crisis.

I have one tea-bag left. I can’t cycle to Carrefour as the brakes on my bike need replacing, not that they’d be that useful when cycling on snow.  I think that the tea-bag has already been used once, so I could, at a push, make two more cups of tea with it, but that is […]

Share

This isn’t funny anymore.

I love snow, I really do, and the first time that it snowed this winter, back in December, made a picturesque little scene.  And then it all died, the earth was soggy and people started backing onto my front lawn.  Then it snowed again later in December, carefully avoiding any chances of a white christmas […]

Share

Update on the ‘wolf’.

Last Monday the police visited Todd at school.  They asked various questions and listened to the two messages that the perv had left on Todd’s phone.  He was asked to describe what he looked like and after Todd’s description, the police woman showed a mug-shot of the perv to Todd and asked him if that […]

Share

What is it with him?

Some may remember when the Twat went and left his card in an ATM and very shortly after that, went and left my card in an ATM.  Well, I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised that he’s gone and left his card in an ATM again and is giving me grief over it for no reason […]

Share

So far, not so good.

I’ve been suffering from Crapitis for the past week, more commonly known as gastric ‘flu and lesser known as butt ‘flu.  It’s a refreshing thought to know that my toilets function, that I have vast quantities of loo paper and smelly things that I put in the loo at quite some expense, considering the amount […]

Share

Herman and manners.

My tortoise appears to need to learn some manners, as graceful he is not. He goes to the edge of his food-bowl, leans over until he topples into it, head-first. It’s all a matter of getting halfway onto the edge of his food-bowl and then gently tipping forward, slowly, until SHAZAM! he ends up with […]

Share

TQOTD

“Andy, have we got any imodium?” “I dunno, but if there’s something wrong with your botty it’s best to let it all out.” “Oh christ – how long for?” “Well now, how full of shit are you?” Said with true love. Pfffft.

Share

There are pros to unemployment.

I miss Coralie terribly these days and keep calling her sister ‘Coralie’ which must be driving her batty. (Tatiana, that is, not Coralie.) So far, I have heard via Coralie’s boyfriend and father that she had arrived safely and is sharing a room with a friend. Her boyfriend added that as of yet she has […]

Share

When I sleep-talk, please do not reply.

That Twat has done it again. There I am in the land of slumber, occasionally spurting out the odd phrase to which the Twat takes great pleasure in replying to. Apparently I was yapping away quite a lot the other night but only half-consciously remember saying “Oh, he’s pretty harmless really – in fact he’s […]

Share

Dancing with wolves.

Todd told me that on Saturday night he was going down to our local as they were celebrating their 25th anniversary. I called up my mate Tony down the road to see if he was going as I was thinking of going just to keep an eye on Todd. Ok, I wanted to piss Todd […]

Share