"You hear laughter breaking through, it makes you want to fart. You’re heading for a breakdown, better pull yourself apart. " - John Cooper Clarke

Category Archives: Belgium

My postman.

The postman that does the rounds in this area has to be the most miserable sod ever created.  He stands up to the typical ‘Belgian stereotype’: moody, silent and very, very Flemish.  Oh, and customer service?  Yes, well, I think that’s best left aside. I dislike stereotyping any nationality, but whenever I do see groans [...]

It’s Annual Shag Day!

Well, this snow goes back to last December,  but even so, isn’t it just oh, so jaw-droppingly romantic?  The Twat didn’t pee out the words but instead, spent ages shuffling out the words to make a wonderful sign in the road, for perhaps four neighbours to see.  The heart had been done earlier by Tatiana, [...]

Annual Shag Day.

Christ – a reader has pointed out to me that tomorrow is Annual Shag Day and I’d forgotten.  Yes, people, I had actually forgotten about the day when I have to get the rust seen to and the joints oiled, not to mention all the other preparations. And so…this starts off with shaving my legs [...]

Crisis.

I have one tea-bag left. I can’t cycle to Carrefour as the brakes on my bike need replacing, not that they’d be that useful when cycling on snow.  I think that the tea-bag has already been used once, so I could, at a push, make two more cups of tea with it, but that is [...]

This isn’t funny anymore.

I love snow, I really do, and the first time that it snowed this winter, back in December, made a picturesque little scene.  And then it all died, the earth was soggy and people started backing onto my front lawn.  Then it snowed again later in December, carefully avoiding any chances of a white christmas [...]

Update on the ‘wolf’.

Last Monday the police visited Todd at school.  They asked various questions and listened to the two messages that the perv had left on Todd’s phone.  He was asked to describe what he looked like and after Todd’s description, the police woman showed a mug-shot of the perv to Todd and asked him if that [...]

What is it with him?

Some may remember when the Twat went and left his card in an ATM and very shortly after that, went and left my card in an ATM.  Well, I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised that he’s gone and left his card in an ATM again and is giving me grief over it for no reason [...]

So far, not so good.

I’ve been suffering from Crapitis for the past week, more commonly known as gastric ‘flu and lesser known as butt ‘flu.  It’s a refreshing thought to know that my toilets function, that I have vast quantities of loo paper and smelly things that I put in the loo at quite some expense, considering the amount [...]

Herman and manners.

My tortoise appears to need to learn some manners, as graceful he is not. He goes to the edge of his food-bowl, leans over until he topples into it, head-first. It’s all a matter of getting halfway onto the edge of his food-bowl and then gently tipping forward, slowly, until SHAZAM! he ends up with [...]

TQOTD

“Andy, have we got any imodium?” “I dunno, but if there’s something wrong with your botty it’s best to let it all out.” “Oh christ – how long for?” “Well now, how full of shit are you?” Said with true love. Pfffft.

There are pros to unemployment.

I miss Coralie terribly these days and keep calling her sister ‘Coralie’ which must be driving her batty. (Tatiana, that is, not Coralie.) So far, I have heard via Coralie’s boyfriend and father that she had arrived safely and is sharing a room with a friend. Her boyfriend added that as of yet she has [...]

When I sleep-talk, please do not reply.

That Twat has done it again. There I am in the land of slumber, occasionally spurting out the odd phrase to which the Twat takes great pleasure in replying to. Apparently I was yapping away quite a lot the other night but only half-consciously remember saying “Oh, he’s pretty harmless really – in fact he’s [...]

Dancing with wolves.

Todd told me that on Saturday night he was going down to our local as they were celebrating their 25th anniversary. I called up my mate Tony down the road to see if he was going as I was thinking of going just to keep an eye on Todd. Ok, I wanted to piss Todd [...]

And so she’s gone.

Well, Coralie came around yesterday to grab a few of her belongings here to take to Tenerife and then said goodbye. She is 20, a young adult and therefore I should be pleased that she’s going to work in Tenerife for 4 months to improve her Spanish so that she’ll get her degree at the [...]

That was a surprise.

The Twat woke me up this morning by poking me on the nose and then telling me that I’m a finalist for the Lifetime Achievement Award at the 2010 Bloggies. Pretty cool, I thought and decided to get up and see if any of my nominations made it to the finalists and yes!, 2 or [...]