"You hear laughter breaking through, it makes you want to fart. You’re heading for a breakdown, better pull yourself apart. " - John Cooper Clarke

Category Archives: Herman

>Herman needs a gas mask.

>Burton very kindly asked after Herman yesterday, and quite rightly so. The poor reptile is being brought inside more and more, much to his distaste, especially as my window frames are being varnished as I type. I can tell that he doesn’t like the smell any more than I do as he tends to stay […]

>I think I must be edible.

>That Rabbit is still with us, occasionally fed by Coralie and whose cage is only changed when I realise that the poor animal is living in more rabbit poo than wood shavings. When That Rabbit was delivered here I was told that ‘Pan-pan’ was totally house-trained. “Pan-pan?”“Yes, mama, you know, the rabbit in Bambi.”“No – […]

>Herman’s run.

>Last week I went to buy some Busy Lizzies, or something, and stupidly asked the Twat to grab three while I searched for some industrial-strength weed killer. The greenhouses were huge so by the time that I met up with the Twat, a bag of turf and 3 different coloured Busy Lizzies I was in […]

>Hermie makes a friend.

>It looks like Herman’s out to get all the friends that he can find. Thanks to Andy Ramblings.

>Rags finally out, not sure what’s left.

>The people collecting second-hand clothes came around again on Monday and I was relieved to finally get rid of all my shoulder pads, leggings, clothes I once thought were cool and are decidedly not, some very rarely worn articles and all my shoes except two pairs and the old ones used for wondering around on […]

>Help – Lost a tortoise!

>It’s a holiday for us today – Whit Monday, I think it’s called in English, and the good weather is still with us. I decided to come in after having lost Herman for about 5 minutes which seemed like a life-time. Tatiana broke away from her studying and joined me scuffling around the garden, terrified […]

>Albino poo.

>Saturday was such a beautiful day that I thought it right to introduce Herman to the Great Outdoors that is my garden. I put him on the patio where he stayed totally immobile, deep in thought. He even looked bored so I thought introducing him to other inhabitants of my garden was a good idea. […]

>Beneath the smoke, there’s Spring.

>Oh gawd, I’m a mess in the kitchen, I really am. The Twat is correct, just don’t let him know about this statement, but really, I should not be allowed in the kitchen. Last night he prepared a watery curry for me before leaving for something. It may have been a meeting or a drink; […]

>My Boyfriend Is A Twat.

>What does he do with his time? The man gets up far too early, then literally dives for his computer, turns it on and then makes himself a cup of coffee, comes back and does … what? I’ve no idea. None whatsoever. Not a clue. Yesterday, for example. I called him in the morning asking […]

>Herman’s lump of poo.

>Nothing much disgusts me these days – I put it down to having brought up 3 children. As a parent you end up dealing with vomit, wet underwear and quite a lot of poo in every shade you can imagine and every single consistency that exists. Parenting makes you a stronger person, I think, but […]

>Some good news.

>My stomach has been feeling fine for the past two days thanks to the fantaaaaaastic peeelsa my Doctor gava me. Si, si. The Twat, whom I love dearly, is not being loved dearly at the moment. He’s being a fucking pain in the arse and only told me a couple of hours later that he’s […]