"You hear laughter breaking through, it makes you want to fart. You’re heading for a breakdown, better pull yourself apart. " - John Cooper Clarke

Category Archives: Todd

>John Terry came to stay and sorted my son.

>John Terry is much taller than I thought he’d be, not that I had any expectations from the man, but that was the first thing that I noticed. His looks were bugging me until the following day when I said to the Twat how much Famulus looks like John Terry. “Yeah,” slobbered the Twat, “I […]

>Moody Blues.

>Todd is having a difficult time experiencing puberty and adolescence; the whole growing-up process, to be precise. This naturally goes on to affect the entire family, so badly so that it has come to the point where I am questioning myself where I went wrong. How can I hate my own flesh and blood as […]

>Annual Shag Day.

>The day that didn’t happen. The Twat woke me up and thrust a bottle of vodka into my hands saying “Why say it with flowers when you can say it with Russian Vodka?” He had a point, but at 9.30 in the morning I think I would have preferred him to have ‘said’ it with […]

>Tortoise is named!

>It took us an entire week of coming up with names such as Hurley (as in Tortoise is LOST), Bling (I rather liked that), Tortellini, Dave, Mental, Shellie (the Twat’s contribution) and numerous others. But today, as I was talking to Tortoise I slipped out “oi, Herman, what are you up to?”. Herman is part […]

>Well, who’da thunk it?

>Saturday didn’t end with Todd making me guffaw with laughter. Far from it. The little tyke turned into a monster so horrible that my back suddenly seized up entirely from the stress of having him shout at me, lie to me and generally act like a 15 year-old would while I was making a quick […]

>The day Quarsan had difficulty explaining something.

>Saturday morning started off perfectly, just perfectly. By the time I had established that it was time to move my corpse out of bed and brace the day, Quarsan had already had quite enough shocks. As I settled down to read all my fan mail and the endless advertising requests I realised that something was […]

>How to kill your mum.

>Todd has really gone too far this time. I went to see how he was getting on with cleaning up his room. The stench in his bedroom was over-powering – I thought he’d used toilet freshener in there or something. “Yes, mum, I did – my feet stank.”

>Pull your trousers up.

>Pull your trousers up! Originally uploaded by zoeinbrussels. This is Todd – on a good day. His trousers were far lower before I managed to take this picture. How on earth the boy manages to walk when the crotch of his trousers is almost between his knees beats me. Now you know – I wasn’t […]

>That’s ma boy.

>Todd came round yesterday showing off his brand new electric guitar that his Dad gave him for his birthday. I swear my Ex really hates me now as I know, just know that Todd is incapable of keeping the headphones plugged into the monster of a musical instrument thus subjecting the entire household to his […]


>The little brat isn’t quite so little now and hovers over all of us while booming at us all with that ghastly broken voice. He’s finally fifteen although I expect that he’s already forgotten that, spent a late night out with friends yesterday, the consequences of which he was sick and we won’t be taking […]

>Dooney Da Priest has a message for Todd:

> Ha, I was right all along. Found here. And thanks to Manictastic, there is this superb article by Bill Cunningham that appeared in the NY Times.


>Well, that boy certainly is a handful. He went off to get his exam results yesterday and called me from school sounding close to tears. “Mama?”“Yes.”“I’ve failed the entire year.”“Well what did you expect, Todd? You’ve been monkeying around all year and as for revising for your exams – well, when did you do that?”“Yes […]

>Todd, the Twat and fashion.

>I’d like to think that my son is trying set a fashion trend for the Twat but alas it isn’t working, either for the Twat or Todd. The boy goes around wearing Pierre Cardin socks, Calvin Klein underwear for all to see as he tends to wear his jeans half way down his backside, a […]

>Todd’s iPod.

>As a mother, I frequently get asked “How is Todd’s iPod?” And as the mother that I am, I can but shrug my shoulders because, you see, I simply don’t know. Todd ran out of the house on Boxing Day with a fistful of Euros, one vision and one shop in mind. He followed his […]