Well, this snow goes back to last December,  but even so, isn’t it just oh, so jaw-droppingly romantic?  The Twat didn’t pee out the words but instead, spent ages shuffling out the words to make a wonderful sign in the road, for perhaps four neighbours to see.  The heart had been done earlier by Tatiana, but to think that the Twat had even thought of adding the extra words felt rather sweet.  And loving.  Especially coming from a poncy-poofy-tracky-trainer-wearing man.

As I sit here, smelling like a Fruit Opal, according to some person called Johng who deserves nothing but insults from my darling possums here, I am wondering as to what the expensive gift that he was ordered to buy for me yesterday is.

That’s correct: the Twat needs ordering about so as to get what I want.  Bugger his shed – there is simply no space in my garden.

I did, however, ask him if he had bought croissants and orange juice for breakfast.

“Why?”

“Because that is the sort of romantic thing couples do together.  You know, breakfast together.”

“No, I didn’t buy them.”

“Oh.  Why not?”

“Because it wasn’t on the shopping list.”

It feels silly to think that even after 8 years the man has still not learnt anything about romance, even though he has sent me a rose on two occasions, before he moved in.  But still, after a rocky year that we managed to get over, I do look forward to a surprise.  However little.

[And NO, not that sort of 'little' surprise.  Jesus.]

If the gift is not up to my expectations, then the Annual Shag is OFF.

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And so…this starts off with shaving my legs etc and then onto more fun-pampering such as seeing to the exfoliation of my arms with my wonderful kiwi fruit scrub.  I am thinking of exfoliating my legs with the nut scrub and my back with the wonderful mango scrub.  I know that I shall smell a dream.

Having come out of the bath smelling like some fruit cocktail it is time to apply body moisturiser and I am thinking along the lines of either cranberry or mango as they are a saucy mix.  I think I’ll go along with the mango as it is strong when applied, but after a day smells simply divine.

Not that I don’t on any other day, obviously.

Seeing as I didn’t get to go to my hairdresser’s, I shall simply have to do something with my hair tomorrow.  It can’t look any worse than it does today and who says the Twat will even notice?  I certainly won’t as I won’t be wearing my glasses, nor even be the one looking at me.

That’s a thought, how will I know that the Twat is even looking at me?  I’m beginning to feel like the eyes of Gordon Brown right now and am hoping that the Twat will say something about how soft and appealing I feel.  Yes, that’s quite right.

I shall also invest in some WD-40 to put on the side table for a little bit of lubrication to my joints. You may snigger, but this sort of thing is needed with age and so I shall see that I am totally prepared, but before that I am going to invest in some sexy underwear, why, I have no idea as it rarely stays on for a minute once the Twat has seen it, going by previous years. He has always told me that it’s a waste of money – but heck, did I buy them for him? (No – I got them in the sales in January, for me.)

If I’ve forgotten anything today, that can be rectified with cucumbers and lemon tomorrow, as there is one thing that never happened last year:

using my new bed on Annual Shag Day.

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