"You hear laughter breaking through, it makes you want to fart. You’re heading for a breakdown, better pull yourself apart. " - John Cooper Clarke

Twattisms

This Is What I Have To Put Up With

TT: “You look like you’ve been air-brushed on photo-shop.”

Me: “Quarsan, give me your hand so I can slap it.”
TT: “Why ?”
Me: “For not having looked at the job pages today. There you go, and that means no sex next weekend.”
TT: “So that means that I can stay here then ?”

TT: “I gorrit.”
Me: “What ?”
TT: “Next door’s rabbit.”
Me: “What, it escaped again ?”
TT: “Yeah, but I gorrit.”
Me: “How ?”
TT: “Using a fishing net and a small child.”

Me: “Quarsan, how do you spell ‘courtesy’ ?”
TT: [Manic, hysterical laughter.]
“Well, that’s one word that you wouldn’t know how to spell, isn’t it ?”
[More manic, hysterical laughter.]

TT: “Hon, why are you looking like a hamster chewing a wasp ?”

Me: “Oh, Quarsan, you’ve got this book by Brian Eno ” A Year With Swollen Appendices”.
TT: “Yeah, you know Brian Eno -”
Me: “Yes, he’s the musician you really like.”
TT: “Well, he wrote this diary.”
Me: “Did he have really bad appendicitis ?”

Stunned look.

TT: “No, it’s all the fucking appendices at the back of the book.”

Me: “It feels like my wisdom tooth has popped up.”
TT: “Well, it might ‘uv done.”
Me: “Yes, but wouldn’t that hurt ? And I can’t shut my jaw properly.’
TT: “When did you last try ?”

TT: “Hun ?”
Me: “Mmmm.”
TT: “If someone has a PhD does that mean they’re a Doctor ?”
Me: “Their title is, you twat.”
TT: “Well I wouldn’t know – some of my friends couldn’t even afford an ‘O’ level for Christmas.”

Me: “You know Quarsan, I’m not sure about going to Paris on my own.”
TT: “Why not ? You could take Sue to ‘La Musée d’Orsay’.”
Me: “Hell no – you know what I’m like – I’d get lost.”
TT: “Zoe, you never get lost. I’ve been asking you to for the past 3 years.”

TT: “I bought a book all about feng shui yesterday.”
Me: “Oh really ?”
TT: “I brought it home but I didn’t know where to put it.”

Me: “Get off me, you twat.”
TT: “Why ?”
Me: “‘Coz I said so.”
TT: “Well how about a bit of nibbling and chewing ?”
Me: “I’m not a piece of fucking meat, you know.”
TT: “Damn, you could have saved me a trip to the supermarket.”

TT: “If Chris was a dog he’d be a labrador.”

Me: “Q, you’re not wearing those again today.”
TT: “Why not ?”
Me: “Because you love me, don’t you ?.”
TT: “Yes, but not enough to change my pants.”

Me: “Quarsan, you’ve gone through more mobile phones during the 2 1/2 years that you’ve been here than I ever have.”
TT: “Oh, that’s due to all the hot and steamy SMSs that I send.”
Me: “True. You do send a lot …”
TT: “Not to you I don’t.”

Me: The trouble is, Q, it’s all pink and red this year. I suppose I could get away wearing pale pink.”
TT: “Oh god, don’t you dare wear pale pink and white – you’ll look like a bloody six year-old.”

Me: “Why do I love you, you lazy cunt ?”
TT: “Because you got the assembly instructions wrong.”

Me: “No – you can’t wear those pants, you wore them yesterday.”
TT: “Yes, but it was a good day, so I’ll wear them again today.”

Me: “I love Stonehenge. Have you ever been there ?”
TT: “Yeah.”
Me: “When ?”
TT: “When I was about 3 foot.”

Me : “Twat, what do you want for supper tonight ?”
TT : “Mmm, what do you want for supper ?”

Me : “Christ, I feel bloated – and all I’ve had for supper is salad, it’s so hot.”
The Twat : “But it’s because of the salad.”
Me : “Ehh ?”
TT : “Obviously.”
Me : “Obviously what ??”
TT : “The shape of the lettuce is flatish, but is curved, so it all builds up like that, making you look bloated.”

TT : “The only religious holiday you believe in is Hallowe’en.”

TT : “Well, there maybe an aspect of validity to some elements that you may be alluding to. You can’t re-define the complexities of these issues to a simplistic response.”

Me : “Why is my son dressed up in cowboy trousers and an Indian top ?”
TT : “Because he’s playing cowboys and Indians.”
Me : “But he’s dressed up in cowboy trousers and an Indian top. It doesn’t make sense.”
TT : “Yes it does. Maybe he’s bi-western.”

Me : “Oooo, Quarsan , you’ve been here for almost 2 1/2 years now. I obviously have this magnetic attraction.”
TT : “You certainly do, darling. Shame none of it is positive.”

Me : “It’s a candle in remembrance of all those people suffering and being tortured all around the world.”
TT : “Yes, and I think of myself everyday.”

Me : “What did you tell him ?”
TT : “Zoe+alcohol+PMS=chaos.”

TT : “I only feel like groping you because of society’s pressure to conform to out-moded gender rules and expectations.”

Me : “Listen, Quarsan, our blackbirds are cheeping.”
TT : “No they aren’t.”
Me : “Well if you’d shut-up and stop moving around you’ll hear them. Lie still.”
TT : “That’s an airplane, Zoe.”
Me : “You TWAT. Not that, listen carefully.”
TT : “Yes. It’s still an airplane though.”
Me : “Oh for fuck’s sake, can’t you tell the difference between an airplane and cheeping birds ?”
TT : “Yes. It might be Aeroflot.”

Sproglet has missed 2 swimming lessons in a row at school, I got a message from his teacher saying that ‘Sproglet would need a medical certificate’. The Twat came up with the solution:
“Just tell his teacher that he’s soluble.

“Those aren’t cigarette burns, it was the rhododendrons.”

A quick fast-forward to this morning and I was asking the Twat how much his anorak had cost him.

TT : “Oh, it’s an old one.”
Me : “Old ? but I’ve never seen it before. You’ve never even mentioned it before.”
TT : “I lent it to a friend about 5 years ago, and I bumped into him on the street so he gave it back.”

Me : “Q, I was just thinking …”
TT : “Oh christ, don’t you remember what happened the last time ?”

Me : “Christ, Q, you look like shit.”
TT : “Well close your eyes then.”
Me : “Yes, you look better with your eyes shut.”

Me : “Oh fuck, I almost fell up the stairs.”
TT : “Well, now there’s a change in direction ”

Me : “Please, Quarsan, I’m dying of hunger.”
As he pinched the top of my thigh he replied :
“There’s still quite a way to go there, I think.”

TT : You know, darling, Todd can imitate you SO well.”
Me : “Wha ?”
TT : “Yes, we see who can imitate you the best when you’re angry.”

TT : “Oh it’s easy, Zoe. The shower would work all the time if it had a laminated poster of Kylie in here.”
Me : Gahhhhhhhh.
TT : “Or better still, a ‘Kylie’ shower-curtain.

Me : “Don’t you think you have a big problem ?”
TT : “Yes, but there’s not a lot I can do about you, hon.”

TT : “Just reply to the Headmistress and tell her you’ve never heard of anyone called Coralie in your life before.”

TT : “Todd pulled out your bottle of vodka and asked if it was water. Luckily I still have enough decent moral standards to say ‘no’.”

Me : “You know Quarsan, I’m not sure about going to Paris on my own.”
TT : “Why not ? You could take Sue to ‘La Musée d’Orsay’.”
Me : “Hell no – you know what I’m like – I’d get lost.”
TT : “Zoe, you never get lost. I’ve been asking you to for the past 3 years.”

Me : “What the fuck is going on ?”
TT : “Ah. Hun. I was trimming the edges and then I forgot that I’d taken the comb off and …”
Me : “You IDIOT. Now what are you going to do ?”
TT : “Ummmm, well, shave the rest off, I suppose.”

The Twat’s Cook-book joke.
Knock knock.
Cumin.

TT : “And I’ve got a lovely bottle of wine for you Zoe.”
Me : “Oh great – you’d better let it breath for ages.”
TT : “Yes – that’s the big difference between wine and children.”

TT : The bigger it is, the longer it takes.

TT : “Levels of tolerance going down ?”
Me : “What’s so funny ?”
TT : “Well, they were in the basement to begin with.”

Me : “Q, I think you’ve lost your sense of humour.”
TT : “Yes, I’m turning into a Feminist.”

Me : “Why do you keep looking at my arse ?”
TT : “Because I’m sick of looking at your face.”

TT : “They were Antelopes.”
Me : “No they weren’t.”
TT : “Yes they were.”
Me : “They were reindeer.
TT : “Yes it has clouded over and it looks like rain, dear.”

TT : “Well, we are a curry-eating nation – every true curry fan has a toilet roll in the fridge”.

Upon opening the Shed Calendar he said :
“Wow! It’s even better than the Kylie one.”

Me : “Have you read about that scientist who was killed by a seal ?”
TT : “Yes, but it was an accident. It wasn’t done on porpoise.”

TT : “So it’s all my fault. I’ve been doing too much of that breathing thing again, haven’t I ?”
Me : “Yes. So Stop.”

Me : “For goodness sake, T, it’ll be alright. I’m your mother.”
TT : “Well that’s not a very nice thing to tell her.”

Me : “Coffee ? That dehydrates you.”
TT : “If that’s the case then I should be a cream cracker by now.”

Me : “Damn it. You never think of me, do you, Q ?”
TT : “Yes, but as little as possible.”

TT : “Sproglet – zebra! They are really good to eat.”
SP : “Wha’ ?”
TT : “Oh, and look at those buffalo. Now they are great on a BBQ.”
SP : “You ate those animals ?”
TT : “All the time. Look – ostriches – you can get ostrich meat at the supermarket – it’s great. Actually, you can also buy crocodile meat, gazelle, kangaroo and antelope. Remember those brochettes we had the other day ? That was ostrich meat.”
SP : “Stop teasing me.”
TT : “I’m not, ask your mum. Ooooo, bison. Now they are delicious. You know Sproglet, it’s like coming into a restaurant here.”
SP : “Mama ….”

TT : “I’ve learnt all about tights today. They film them upside-down to hide the cellulite”.

TT : “When does Sproglet come back ?”
Me : “On the 14th.”
TT : “Great. He can cut my hair for me.”