"You hear laughter breaking through, it makes you want to fart. You’re heading for a breakdown, better pull yourself apart. " - John Cooper Clarke

More Twattisms

More Twaddle From The Twat

“Q, it’s a good job that I don’t ‘go for looks’ – you’re ugly as pigshit, but your personality is what I love.”
“Well, it’s a good job that that’s the same way that I feel about you – there’s only one woman in this household that I think is gorgeous.”
“Who is that ?”
“Kylie, on her DVD.”

On seeing the title of my last post (how to torture a 15 year old), the Twat said:

“Thinking of writing a long post today, hun ?”

“But you can hardly see the eggs in the photo.”
“Your screen must be lighter than mine.”
“People will have to squint to see them.”
“That way you know that people are reading your blog closely.”

“Please close the window.”
“Why ?”
“Because I’m cold.”
“Well try shutting your gob then – you lose 90% of your body-heat through that.”

The Twat was just wriggling his mobile phone under my nose when he asked me:
“Do you know why it’s wriggling about ?”
“Uh, no.”
“Because it’s mobile.”

I could cry.

As we arrived at our destination, the Twat turned to me and said,
Voilà! Robert est ton oncle.”
“Eh ?”
[Sigh.]
“Bob’s yer uncle!”

“Who on earth uses a sandwich-toaster ?”
“Students. It’s fed students over decades.”
“When were you ever a student ?”
“I wasn’t. I just embraced the lifestyle.”

“God, if only you had a ‘mute’ button my life would be so much happier.”

“Listen Zoe, you’re going to have to learn not to shout and swear at me when we’re at your parents.”
“And you’re going to have to learn how to eat slowly.”
“I will. Like an ickle hamster.”
“And you can’t snore either.”
“Well I’m not going to sleep with them – good lord woman, I have to draw the line somewhere.”

“I know, I’m not stupid – I just look it.”
“No you don’t, you look gorgeous – I’ve seen your website.”

“Why is Tatiana singing ? Is she happy or something ?”
“As if you’d know. You don’t even know what happiness is.”

“So I bet that’s made you the happiest man in the world,” I said to the Twat as he finished a large plate of pasta.
“Yep,” he said, rubbing his stomach. “Well, the second happiest man, anyway.”
“Who’s the first ?”
“Olivier Martinez.”

“So how are you feeling, darling ?”
“I can’t type fast and I feel very confused.”
“Ah, well, back to normal then, aren’t we ?”

“Quarsan, you do realise that I make your life as hellish as possible on purpose ?”

“Yes, and imagine how bad it would be if I actually listened to you.”

“Your fucking gaydar is the best since Stevie Wonder’s.”

“Stop behaving like an adult two year-old.”
“Wooo hoooo! They said that I’d never grow up – wooooo!”